I am going through the same cycles of wondering why it all happened. I woke up in the early hours this morning, thinking about it all. Even after reading all about NPD etc, it is still churning in my head. I think it was brought on by reading all H's emails to me since the autumn of 2003 yesterday. He has ranged from rage to almost affection. And lots of blame. About how I do/did so little.
So then I think, I do so little!
But wait - what brings me up short is thinking about a period about a year before the bomb. I have recounted this episode in detail before on a much earlier thread. But in a nutshell -
My mother (82) had been visiting, fallen and fractured her hip, but it was not picked up at the hospital so I was looking after her at home. I was nursing her 24 hours, doing every intimate job, she was in agony the whole time, on pain killers, couldn't walk, sit, lie down, nothing. She used to sleep half propped up on the sofa. She needed to go to the toilet twice or thrice a night, of course it meant I got up to help her. She was verging on incontinent. You get the picture.
D was off school with mumps for a couple of weeks in the middle and had to be entertained, yet kept away from her friends for a while. Our small overcrowded house was on the market, and we had prospective buyers coming around every second day, in groups, so the house had to be kept really clean and tidy. Of course I was also shopping, cooking and cleaning as usual, and H works from home. Can you say I had my hands full?
It turns out that H was crying on OW1's shoulder that he never got to relax after a day of work! And she turned around and told me that! Poor him!
I guess the fact that my hands were full with mostly OTHER people is what really rankled.
If you look at Betsey over in Hoping and all she has done to "improve" herself in the past two years, and it still isn't enough to interest her H in their marriage...
My H doesn't want to repair the marriage and I have also come to that decision. But it still follows that I am "doing nothing" and he shouldn't have to pay me so much blah blah blah. I think he will only stop applying the pressure if he is paying nothing and I am also looking after his daughter most of the time, so he has his "freedom", all his earnings for himself, and his daughter when he wishes but not otherwise, like when it's raining - I kid you not, LOL!! (I actually found that in one of his emails yesterday. )
So I have got to think of him as strictly business.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
(I actually found that in one of his emails yesterday. 
)
