Do you feel like you are the peacemaker? Just trying to smooth things over between people. Try to make everyone happy but yourself? I know that I do. Trying to make sure no one gets their feelings hurt, then I'm the one who ends up suffering.
I think I know how you feel.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I realise more and more I spent too much time and energy trying to keep everyone happy. And I just found out that in any case, you can't keep all of the people happy all of the time!
My internet connection was down the last few days, so I was forced to do something more constructive than just sit at the computer for hours on end, LOL!
I had a quiet weekend. Older guy and I went out for the day on Sunday. But he is sweet on me, and it is making me uncomfortable. Drat.
D came home quite early on Monday (national holiday here) and later H called and said he was sorry he didn't check that I would be home to receive her, but fortunately I was.
He asked me what I did at the weekend, and I just answered, this and that. True!
Otherwise not a peep from him.
I know that if I don't pursue the matter, he will not tell me when he wants D over the vacations until about a week before he thinks he will have her, ie: sometime in August. So I have to work on the wording of an email to him about this. I really wish that every interaction wasn't a major negotiation or duel, but that's the reality. I am coming to accept that. My H is who he is, and he hasn't changed!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Another thing I did was go through all D's old clothes from the time she was a baby. I kept all the stuff thinking I would have a second child, maybe a girl. I did have one early miscarriage after D was born, ironically OW1 was there in the hospital with me that day, helping me...
So looking through those clothes was a bitter sweet trip down memory lane. Thinking about how beautiful D was at different stages of her life, how our children are so wee when young.
Also thinking how my dream of having a "family" has been taken away from me. Not two children, not a sibling for D, not even a husband and father around now.
How ironical that H would rage at me on Christmas Eve last that I had "stolen" everything from him.
Anyway, the clothes and toys are all sorted to give away to a couple of people with younger kids...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hugs for you, trips down memory lane can be rough. Done plenty of them lately. Eventually as I get more stuff changed or out of the house or sorted they should become less.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
You talk about what is stolen from you, LnL. I agree! But, they steal more than just a family. Sometimes, even your good memories are stolen because they're tainted with what they have done and said to you and the OW. My H totally destroyed all my wonderful memories of my wedding day because I read how if she had been there, he would've pushed me aside and married her. How does one get over that? I don't know.
I have gone through the children's old clothes many times over the years, and it always brings back memories of times with them. Mostly wonderful ones, despite what I'm going through now.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Livnlearn, read your posts, and I agree with you...you don't want H back because he is jealous or his supply of OW have vanished. My ex-bf went back to his ex-w, and while it was clear she was only jealous of our R (they were divorced when we met) he went back anyway. He just could not help himself. But nothing changed, and after countless times of him being kicked to the curb again, he left for good (again). This went on for 2.5 years, and guess what...now he is going through the same depression, has the same anxieties about not being with his teenage son full-time, and this time it is worse because he is kicking himself for going back and being duped again. She didn't want him back because she loved him...she went back to seeing other guys...again. So only give it another shot if you are sure he wants back for the right reasons, not because it is in his best interest and his alone. Personally, I am of the opinion if they want you back, they will no matter what...I would be careful too about sharing info about your R with someone else. Keep that info for when you really want to share it and with good reason. Good luck.
Yesterday morning I was chatting to my good friend and she informed me she and another friend were going out to eat at a new restaurant that evening. A restaurant that we have both talked about often, and I noticed no invitation to join them was forthcoming.
Whatever.
Funnily enough, just after that, another of my friends called and suggested a get together of a few folk at my house, all bringing a contribution, and we had a nice evening here.
I had nipped out of the house at one point and when I came back I noticed a message from H on the answerphone. Said he was coming down to city on Saturday (today), and "was thinking of taking D out to lunch, and you could come too, if you want".
There is no recognition of the fact that it is my weekend with D, he is not ASKING to take D out, he is informing me of what he plans! The fact is, we have plans to go to the swimming pool today with friends and we're taking a picnic lunch to eat on the lawns.
H rang again in the middle of dinner and told me his plan again. I said, well, we are going to the pool for the day. He said, oh yes? Maybe I can come there and see you for a bit!
This is NOT what I want, but it is a public space and I can hardly stop him from turning up, so I said, I guess.
Then he said, in his usual aggressive tone, will they make me pay $----- just to get in? I don't want to swim!
I said, I don't know, you'll have to find out!
Then he said, is there a restaurant there or something? I said, not really, we're taking stuff for a picnic.
So now I feel "obliged" to take enough for him as well. Wonder if it will occur to him to bring a contribution?
I can't believe it, just when I finally decided I don't want this man in my life any more, I really need to move on without him, he is trying to snag my attention.
Other things he mentioned - that he had completed a humungous amount of work the last week. Good for him.
Then he asked, guess what? I am probably getting a dog!
I said, oh. He said he is going to see a German Shepherd/Doberman cross. He asked what I thought.
I said, that's a big responsibility. I asked if he was going to keep it indoors or what?
He laughed, said yes, and probably no more travelling abroad, and he doesn't have any enclosure outdside the apartment, but lots of space of course, he lives in the country.
I have grave misgivings, I have to say.
He is getting the kind of agressive big guard dog type, and he lives in a small one bedroom place with no outside enclosure.
I hope it will be safe around children.
He didn't want the responsibility of a family or a mortgage, I DOUBT very much he has thought ahead to the responsibility of having a big dog.
Of course D will be happy as she is always pestering me for a dog. But boring old Mum thinks practical!
Anyway, I hope I get through H's visit to the swimming pool with grace, I will report back about it.
Oh yes, my copy of "Loving What Is" arrived in the post today, so I have some poolside reading!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Shortly after writng the last post, H rang me. He said he was planning on taking an early bus up again so he wouldn't have time to come to the pool. (I sort of expected this, he hates pools and beaches, and has refused to go even for D's sake in the past.)
So he said, I'm in town - can you stop by for a coffee on your way to the pool "so I can see D"?
Of course I couldn't easily say no without seeming churlish, so I thought, what the heck - it's only a coffee, I can handle that. So I said OK.
I turned up. The first thing D asked her Dad for was her pocket money and then she was off seeing how she could spend it in a nearby shop. H didn't look too pleased.
While she was away, he asked me how I was, and I replied, quite well thanks.
Among the things he said were -
How's work going? D tells me you have enough to keep you busy... (Looks like he asks D for info on how much work I am doing...) I told him it was OK.
I remarked that he was paying quite a flying visit to the city (two and a half hours, with at least four hours of travel involved) and he said he had really only come down to buy tobacco! He laughed. Then he told me he had been looking for a certain kind for ages, searching on the internet, for suppliers in our country etc. Yet he happened to be walking past a shop in a certain street in town and noticed that they in fact stocked this very tobacco! (That doesn't tally with his story that he CAME DOWN TO BUY TOBACCO. But I have begun to realise that H will say whatever he wants to, to obtain an effect or to serve his purpose at any given moment. He will of course deny saying any such thing in the future. And of course because his lies/fibs/exaggerations/flights of fancy/concoctions of convenience/whatever are so opportunistic or "on the hoof" he of course can't possibly remember all the sh+te he has served up in the past to convincingly repeat the same sh+te accurately the next time!) But I made no comment.
He said, so I'll have D for August then. I said, great! Let's say from the 1st to the 31st, OK? So I can go ahead and fix my summer plans. He said, well I am not sure yet exactly when I will have her, I have to ask my friend in other country when he is coming over... (Bear in mind in our agreement it says we should have agreed by end April) Anyway, he said, it is early days yet, there's still plenty of time! I said, I would like to know as soon as possbile. He said, why, are you planning to go away somewhere? I said, I am definitely going away to other country to visit my family... I didn't mention any other plans I might have in mind. I told him, I need to book flights in advance to get good deals, not at the last moment.
He said, well, I'm not going to commit to anything now!
Then he said, we need to talk about the house. I said, what's there to say about the house? (Remember I predicted that he would soon start on the house talk... Remember I heard D saying on the phone to him recently "But our house is fine for us two, it's not too big"?)
He said, I want to buy a house. (At the time of the bomb he said he would never buy another house!) He said, I want to buy a house together with my friend R and his wife and other friends. (We had notions years ago of RENTING a holiday/weekend house with others and that never happened, I just can't see buying a house in common with a group of friends working at out all...)
H said, of course it won't happen in a hurry - not like the next month or two (golly gee that's good of you!) but maybe within a year or so, but we have to talk, I need to get my part of the equity in order to buy something.
I said uh huh. At this point D returned, so I went to pay for the drinks and said we had to be going.
We then went to the pool and had a nice day.
I don't like the fact that H starts out with "I'd like you to come to lunch/ meet me for a coffee!" and then starts to talk about the house or holidays. I really don't need to talk to him about that stuff face to face, especially with D around. We have the internet and email to broach subjects.
I will NOT meet H "for a coffee" or "for lunch" again. I always come away feeling dirty and duped and used. I am going to have to work on learning to just say no, in whatever manner is best, but I am going to have to say NOOOOOOO .
H feels no compunction about talking about the house etc in front of D.
I can understand that he wants his part of the equity. But I know that this scheme to buy a house along with "friends" is just another of his harebrained ideas de jour. In a way I see D and I "sitting" on this house as the only safe investment for the future that either H or I has.
But ultimately I long to be separated from H financially. I don't want to be entwined with him in manner any longer.
There is lots I could say about our convo today, but I don't have the energy to type it out right now.
Will just end with a couple of things.
Was reading "Loving What Is" at the pool today, and can't comment yet as I haven't got too far.
The other day I bought a telephone with caller ID facility. Just wondering when to start using it. D will want to know about the new phone, as will H no doubt (the answerphone will have a different message/voice). How to get around just saying up front, I wanted caller ID so I can screen out "certain" calls at times??
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
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