Quote: Anyway, at the end of the call he asked, so what are you doing this weekend? I gave a vague reply, and wished him a good weekend himself.
So why didn't you just reply:
Quote: Tomorrow I am going out for the day with older guy. If the weather is good we go for a long drive to visit an interesting place and have lunch out. I get to practice my language skills.
?
Ellie
Because, Ellie, I am really not sure at this point that I want my H back. I am just concentrating on my life and not trying to lure H.
H has not said anything about coming back or trying to work things out since he left more than two years ago now. I have DBed since October 2003. All that time I would have LOVED to have heard him tell me he had made a mistake, that he wanted to work things out.
If he were to suddenly say that now, I would seriously be in two minds.
There's the whole side of me that wants to save my marriage, work things out, actually mean my marriage vows, love my H unconditionally, be there for my H through thick and thin, not break up my family, have a reasonably comfortable life, and all the other reasons one wants to keep a marriage together.
But I don't want him back simply because he is jealous.
Or because he is not getting anywhere with his list of OW.
I am getting a fuller picture of the man that is my H, and seriously wondering if I ever want him to be my life partner again.
My love for him distorted the way I viewed him. I spent a lot of time being puzzled, or bewildered, or being frustrated, or sweeping things under the carpet, or imagining that things would one day "work out".
I thought my love for him, being there, steadfast, would "help" him in some way, allow him to relax and blossom, emotionally.
I don't think I have what he wants. And he doesn't want what I have to offer. Or wish to offer.
So many things about my H that I put down to his "quirks" over the years are explained rather more pessimistically within the NPD framework. Sam Vaknin has written an essay on "Malignant Optimism" that strikes at the heart of the matter. Mr Vaknin is not a qualified mental health professional, but somehow what he writes seems to resonate SOOOOOOO much with me.
I am still "attracted" to my H, like a moth to a flame. When I hear his voice on the phone (he has a nice voice, he's articulate, and arrogant as well), my feelings get stirred.
My H is who he is and there ain't much I can do about it. I have to live my life true to myself though.
Life with H is not smooth sailing in any sense of the term. And my life is not smooth yet, there are still major glitches that I have to smooth out, but I will get there, and I will do it MYSELF. No more relying on someone else. Especially not a NPD type individual!
My mother was a Narcissist to the hilt. But I also loved her, infuriating as she was. There is a sense in which her passing frees me up considerably. I have been released from the pincers on either side - my H and my mother. I think maybe I should grab this golden opportunity and just run!
I hope nobody thinks I am being flip here. The pressure I was under the past few years of my mother's life were almost intolerable. Pressure from H and M to "choose". I kind of dithered in the middle, tending towards prioritising my nuclear family and H, attempting to keep both sides happy. But is was evidently not enough.
Got to go now, the weather is clearing, the rain has stopped, we will have a shorter day out.
Happy Sunday all!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
