Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I do feel a lot better, especially after I have taken the medicine, though it wears off just before I have to take it again! I have managed to reschedule my lessons to later this week, so that's OK.
I have just ordered a copy of Sam Vaknin's book Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited. Here are some reviews of the book -
As for the visitation issue, the bottom line is, the only time I have during the year to carry out work on my personal project in my country of origin is the four weeks when H has D visit him in the summer. I can't think of a reason why H shouldn't have her for a straight four weeks really, can you? Even his excuse that he can't get work done applies equally to me, don't you think? And why did I only think of that point yesterday, for heaven's sake?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL - I was reading some of your older threads, and babe, you are sounding so much more grounded, confident, these days - awesome
Quote: I can't think of a reason why H shouldn't have her for a straight four weeks really, can you?
Personally, I would look to enforce the terms of the SA, but to also point out that D deserves quality time with her dad, and that shortening it would be unfair to her...
I'm glad you're feeling better. I think part of my point got lost in the mix. I'm suggesting that you give H an opportunity and deadline to state a preference. If he doesn't, then you make your plans and inform him, "I've made my arrangements. D will be with you for the month of August."
Not hearing from him doesn't mean that he doesn't do his custody. It just means he doesn't get to decide when.
If H says he can't do that, you can just say, "Well, that's fine. You can make some other arrangements for her if you need to." The SA gives him a month. It's up to him how he deals with it. Leave it in his lap and don't take any bait that leads to you having to deal with it or think about it. (Of course, you wouldn't leave your D hanging. Have a plan that you can implement at the last minute, if necessary, but don't give one inch with H unless he's completely unavailable when it's time for you to leave.) Act as if this is H's responsibility. Because it is. Act as if he'll deal with it one way or another because you're not going to fix it anymore.
Good advice, I just don't know if I have the resolve to stand by that and leave D to his mercy, no matter what. It is the standby arrangements that would be difficult. My friends willl be away on holiday themselves, and if I have to take D with me it requires expensive flights booked in advance and all that... no handy relatives nearby!
H talked to D on the phone this evening. At one point I heard her say "Are you going to get that place then?" Another time I heard her say "This place is fine for two, it's not too big!" (I think she was referring to our house. I know H will grind me down about selling up so he can get his hands on some capital). I also heard D mention OW2's name in some connection.
I am so glad I have seen the light. My H is not capable of being my friend, he is going to be a thorn in my side for a very long time. I want to move away, eventually, from having anything to bind us together financially or materially, apart of course from D. It will be the slow drip of erosion and PA, and getting in touch when he has needs to fullfil, nothing more.
My friend and sister both chatted with me today, to find out how I was. Not a cheep from H.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
After lying low Monday and Tuesday, the antibiotics kicked in and I felt human again by Wednesday. I had a guest over for dinner. She's a friend, local woman of 56 whose H walked out on her twenty years ago when her only daughter was seven (just like in my case!) She is a smart and intelligent woman, I've always liked her. H and I have known her since about 1994, but I have never talked to her about personal stuff until H left.
She told me that the fact of her H walking out twenty years ago still had a profound effect on her. The prime years of her life were compromised and spoiled. And her now twenty seven year old daughter has been seeing a therapist for the last year to help excise some "rancour" as she put it.
While friend was here for a very pleasant evening, the phone rang and it was H. He just wanted to tell me about an item of breaking news that he spotted on a website. He said he wanted to tell someone, and I was who he thought of! The call lasted only one minute.
Then D went up to his place this morning with his landlord. I got a call from H after she arrived, to say she had arrived safely (he never usually does that), then told me he had more credit on his credit card than he originally thought. The statement came here and I sent it up with D. But it hasn't come here in ages, so I assumed H had told then of his new address. But he tells me that he hasn't received a statement in many many months. Then he says, he would have to write to the bank in other city to let them know about his new address, as if that were a very onerous task. I made no comment. He said a new credit card was due to be sent and that I should look out for it. I still made no comment.
I can't figure out if he is just
1) TOOOOO darn lazy to inform the bank 1) Wants to have some control over me, instruct me about stuff 3) Wants to assert his territorial rights over this house 4) Likes me to remain in the caretaker role. 5) Needs an excuse to get in touch.
Anyway, at the end of the call he asked, so what are you doing this weekend? I gave a vague reply, and wished him a good weekend himself.
Tomorrow I am going out for the day with older guy. If the weather is good we go for a long drive to visit an interesting place and have lunch out. I get to practice my language skills.
I am trying to enjoy the moment more these days. Take the good, accept the bad and do my best, whatever.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: Anyway, at the end of the call he asked, so what are you doing this weekend? I gave a vague reply, and wished him a good weekend himself.
So why didn't you just reply:
Quote: Tomorrow I am going out for the day with older guy. If the weather is good we go for a long drive to visit an interesting place and have lunch out. I get to practice my language skills.
Quote: Anyway, at the end of the call he asked, so what are you doing this weekend? I gave a vague reply, and wished him a good weekend himself.
So why didn't you just reply:
Quote: Tomorrow I am going out for the day with older guy. If the weather is good we go for a long drive to visit an interesting place and have lunch out. I get to practice my language skills.
?
Ellie
Because, Ellie, I am really not sure at this point that I want my H back. I am just concentrating on my life and not trying to lure H.
H has not said anything about coming back or trying to work things out since he left more than two years ago now. I have DBed since October 2003. All that time I would have LOVED to have heard him tell me he had made a mistake, that he wanted to work things out.
If he were to suddenly say that now, I would seriously be in two minds.
There's the whole side of me that wants to save my marriage, work things out, actually mean my marriage vows, love my H unconditionally, be there for my H through thick and thin, not break up my family, have a reasonably comfortable life, and all the other reasons one wants to keep a marriage together.
But I don't want him back simply because he is jealous.
Or because he is not getting anywhere with his list of OW.
I am getting a fuller picture of the man that is my H, and seriously wondering if I ever want him to be my life partner again.
My love for him distorted the way I viewed him. I spent a lot of time being puzzled, or bewildered, or being frustrated, or sweeping things under the carpet, or imagining that things would one day "work out".
I thought my love for him, being there, steadfast, would "help" him in some way, allow him to relax and blossom, emotionally.
I don't think I have what he wants. And he doesn't want what I have to offer. Or wish to offer.
So many things about my H that I put down to his "quirks" over the years are explained rather more pessimistically within the NPD framework. Sam Vaknin has written an essay on "Malignant Optimism" that strikes at the heart of the matter. Mr Vaknin is not a qualified mental health professional, but somehow what he writes seems to resonate SOOOOOOO much with me.
I am still "attracted" to my H, like a moth to a flame. When I hear his voice on the phone (he has a nice voice, he's articulate, and arrogant as well), my feelings get stirred.
My H is who he is and there ain't much I can do about it. I have to live my life true to myself though.
Life with H is not smooth sailing in any sense of the term. And my life is not smooth yet, there are still major glitches that I have to smooth out, but I will get there, and I will do it MYSELF. No more relying on someone else. Especially not a NPD type individual!
My mother was a Narcissist to the hilt. But I also loved her, infuriating as she was. There is a sense in which her passing frees me up considerably. I have been released from the pincers on either side - my H and my mother. I think maybe I should grab this golden opportunity and just run!
I hope nobody thinks I am being flip here. The pressure I was under the past few years of my mother's life were almost intolerable. Pressure from H and M to "choose". I kind of dithered in the middle, tending towards prioritising my nuclear family and H, attempting to keep both sides happy. But is was evidently not enough.
Got to go now, the weather is clearing, the rain has stopped, we will have a shorter day out.
Happy Sunday all!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
