I attempted to email you again and a window kept coming up after I hit the send button to say it wasn't a valid email address! Don't know what's happening....
I have to confess that my emotions DID get a little stirred up when I spoke to H yesterday and he was wondering why I couldn't or wouldn't come to lunch with him. But my heart has been ruling me for so long, it is time to let my head do some work for a change!
This morning I had a slightly sore throat and in the last few hours it has developed into a painful gland on one side... I really hope it doesn't stop me having a good weekend after all my plans...
I have eaten carefully and taken some Vitamin C tabs too... I haven't had a cold or 'flu in a couple of years, thank goodness, but I guess my good run is coming to an end.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL, hope you'll be feeling better soon. I like your idea about letting your head do some work now. I think I should follow that advice too. I've also let my heart rule me all these years I've been married, but NO MORE! A new day has dawned!
Have a great birthday weekend! Hope the weather behaves in your neck of the woods.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I just came across your post on NPD..I have been researching it myself as my H has been diagnosed with it. He has a real difficulty showing his emotions and has NEVER cried in front of me in 15 years. Although, he had cried, so I have heard when I had a restraining order against him in November.
I am going to check out the websites you posted. Thank you so much for posting them. I am going to read more of your sitch.
Good for you being happy for you! Way to go!
I think that when you live with someone with NPD and then you don't, you feel a sense of relief when you are alone. You don't feel like the "transmitter" of all the emotions that exist in your M..
Food for thought. Typical spouses of NPD's are often diagnosed with Borderline Personaliy Disorder. You tend to be "overemotional" when you are not getting any emotion from your spouse...Interesting thought, huh?
Thanks for your post. Although I read your thread a couple of months ago, I hadn't recently. Went over today, and was amazed that you have said so many things that are direct parallels of what I have been saying here about my H.
Ok, H rang and talked to D just now, then he talked to me.
He said that D told him I was ill. I said yes, I have a painful gland that makes swallowing difficult, and right now I felt a bit shivery and feverish.
H of course knew all about that! He said, I too have been feeling bad the last two days, it's just something to do with the change of weather! I said, OK, fine. I know now, he ALWAYS has either the same thing or worse.
Then he said, this year I want D in this country for her birthday (in August) because for years she has been away. That's quite true, it is the worst month weatherwise (unbearably hot and humid) and I have made it a point to be in other counrty visiting my family during August, and H has declined to come over for years now.
So I said, fine.
I said, this year, I haven't made any plans yet, so YOU TELL ME what you would like, when you would like D, and I will work my plans around that.
H says, well, I would probably like her for about three weeks in August. ( I know his neighbours will be there with children around D's age, so she'll have company).
Now just see how this works...
I say, well, just give me the dates you would like to have her asap, because during the time when she is with you, I will use it to do whatever travelling I wish to do...
Does H like that? NOT A BIT! He says, well I can't tell you right now when exactly I can have her, but it will definitely be for at least two to three weeks. (Notice how he has already decreased the period he wishes to have her, to sabotage any plans I may have to go further afield...)
I say to him, H I am asking you now when you wish to have D. I am giving you absolute first choice in this matter, then whatever you say, within reason of course, I will plan around.
Does this sound like a good thing to H? You bet NOT. After all, from what I have read, YOU CANNOT EVER PLEASE A NARCISSIST.
He starts going on about how his friend from other country is coming over at some point, he doesn't know when yet, even though he would like to have D there the whole time, he can't get much work done etc. (Hello? He keeps telling me to get a PROPER JOB, but what happens when D has fourteen weeks of summer vacation? Either I manage to work with her around or I have to find lots of cash for expensive childcare.) Last year he had OW2 around with him to help entertain D, I don't know if she will be around this year as well, so H will have to actually do something with D himself!
The fact is, as far as D is concerned, H is 'free' to go away and travel with regard to his personal projects at any time of the year, year round. He merely has to 'inform' me. I am only able to do that during these fourteen weeks, either with D (when I don't get much work done), or without if she is staying with her father. But either way even there, H is annoyed that I wish to do so.
Towards the end of the call, H said, well it's still three months, so we don't have to agree anything now, there's no hurry. I said, well, I would like to know as soon as possible from my point of view... (If I am bookng long distance flights, for instance, the good deals and seats are available now, not two weeks before the date of travel)
H sounded highly irritated, and said, well, I can't say anything now, hope you get better, and then said bye abruptly and put down the phone.
If I am not mistaken, in our SA, it states that the dates for visitation during the summer vacation (which start at the end of the first week of JUNE, should be decided between us by the end of April. That's only about five weeks before the start of the holidays. I am going to dig up the SA and check.
I am so TIRED of being jerked around by the Jerk.
He did the same thing last year - I asked him when he wanted D. H said as he was going nowhere, it was all the same to him. Then when I came up with concrete stuff, he hit the roof. I made it a point to be here for the four weeks of visitation stipulated in the SA, but he didn't take up all the days of it, he spent a couple of weekends in between with OW1! (He evidently likes to ground me with babysitting D while he is of f******* with his OW - sorry to be crude.)
Also a couple of days ago, he said, next weekend D has Monday off as well, so I will have here for three days! (Remember this weekend was supposed to be his, but HE TOLD me he wouldn't be able to take her. So technically next weekend D is with me)
I said, if that's the case, fine, but I will not change back as I am making plans this weekend that include D. H had to accpet that. It turns out his friends cancelled the plan. Just as well I was firm, otherwise H might have tried to change back again. But, it doesn't make next weekend his by right. He himself made me change weekends around so as to coincide with the D of W3, now those weekends will be out of synch. When I pointed this out to H, he got annoyed, and said he couldn't help it. I said H, I am only pointing it out to you, it really doesn't matter to me either way, it's just that I don't want to have to change around every second time, at the last minute, that's all.
He said, you've had D this weekend after all...(yup, that's because you informed me you wouldn't be taking her!) and also pointed out that he agreed to let me have D two weekends in a row when my sis is here. He makes it all out to be a great gift from him, rather than mostly him changing his plans around every second weekend!
I wonder if anyone has read to the end of this boring and convoluted tale?
Basically, I am going to have to read my SA and get firm with him about things. I am certain he will decline to have D for a straight four weeks, plus alterante weekends the rest of the time, so as to stymie any lengthy travels on my part. I am wondering if his 'four weeks' could be claimed by him as one week at a time, every three weeks, so as to cause maximum inconveninece to me?
I must explain, the reason I travelled away for a long time last year was to include visits to my dying aunt (I knew it would be the last time I ever saw her, she had had a serious stroke two years before) and mother (mum had been given about two years to live and she died ten days after her two years were up). I managed to get some interesting travel in for D to enjoy and a bit of work on my project as well.
This year I would travel so as to complete more of my personal project which has to be done in my country of origin, far away, needing more than a couple of weeks really.
OK, today's meal went well, lots of folk turned up and we had a nice time. My house guests also had a nice visit. The only bad thing was that my throat hurt and I felt under the weather in parts, but I managed to get through the weekend doing everything that was planned.
So now, early to bed.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I just want to add, that when I asked H to tell me when he wanted D this summer I asked him to send me an email about it. That way I would be able to pin him down and have it in writing, right?
So what does H say?
No, I don't want to put it down in an email, I think it would be better to meet and discuss this in person.
I am giving him first pick - he just has to email me, but that's not possible?
I can only imagine that he doesn't want to commit himself in writing or that he wants to be able to fish for info about what I might be doing this summer, although I honestly don't even know yet!
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
After making sure that you're not violating the SA, how about telling H a specific date? Rather than arguing (note that word) that you need to know as soon as possible because blah, blah, blah... It's as if you're operating under the assumption that you have to get H to see the reason in your actions. He has no intention of seeing the reason in your actions-- that would mean he'd have to cede his way.
How about (in email): "As I said, I'm happy to work around your schedule. I'll be making my reservations on May 1st (or whatever). Please email me your preference before then, or I'll assume you have none."
I went to bed at ten and woke up at half past midnight in pain. The pain seems to be shifting towards my ear now. Still can't see much actual swelling , but it sure hurts! Took a couple of pain killers and am here to distract myself until the effect kicks in...
Before going to bed I rang my students and cancelled tomorrow's lessons, and after taking D to school I plan to visit my doctor. Finally!
Thanks for your visit SD . I was reading that if you tell narcissists what your weak points are, instead of going easy on you, they actually use them to gain leverage. This seems to be the case here too, as far as I can see. So perhaps instead of telling him honestly what I would really like (even if it is in HIS own interests, like him having first choice of dates and then telling me) I have to be cleverer and play him so as to make it seems he is winnng something. This is the general advice on how to deal with a narcissist, apparently. I can see how this could work. In their bizarre world, inviting them to 'commit' to first choice is PRESSURE!! We must be endlessly at their disposal and change our plans at their whim...
Code:
How about (in email): "As I said, I'm happy to work around your schedule. I'll be making my reservations on May 1st (or whatever). Please email me your preference before then, or I'll assume you have none."
The thing about our SA and his visitation rights is, I can't actually force him to take his visitaion, as it were. He can play the "I don't know what my plans are" at any stage of the game and I, at best, have to assume that D is coming with me, unless he says he will take her. This makes it expensive, if I always have to take D where I go, and I can't do all the things I might want to, workwise. I have to think about this carefully, and work out the approach that will function best with my H. I'm sure I'll get there in the end! A continual challenge!
The effect of the painkillers has kicked in, thank goodness. Maybe I can get some sleep?
Goodnight
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I went to the doctor this morning and was prescribed antibiotics for an infected tonsil, and then went to bed! I am looking forward to feeling a bit better.
When??
(An aside: H had his tonsils removed as a child, but will it stop him from claiming to also have a swollen tonsil? )
By the way Ellie, I forgot to ask the doctor, can I continue to take the occasional paracetamol to lessen the pain, while on the antibiotics? I have also been given a mouth spray disinfectant.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
