Thanks for your post. Although I read your thread a couple of months ago, I hadn't recently. Went over today, and was amazed that you have said so many things that are direct parallels of what I have been saying here about my H.
Ok, H rang and talked to D just now, then he talked to me.
He said that D told him I was ill. I said yes, I have a painful gland that makes swallowing difficult, and right now I felt a bit shivery and feverish.
H of course knew all about that! He said, I too have been feeling bad the last two days, it's just something to do with the change of weather! I said, OK, fine. I know now, he ALWAYS has either the same thing or worse.
Then he said, this year I want D in this country for her birthday (in August) because for years she has been away. That's quite true, it is the worst month weatherwise (unbearably hot and humid) and I have made it a point to be in other counrty visiting my family during August, and H has declined to come over for years now.
So I said, fine.
I said, this year, I haven't made any plans yet, so YOU TELL ME what you would like, when you would like D, and I will work my plans around that.
H says, well, I would probably like her for about three weeks in August. ( I know his neighbours will be there with children around D's age, so she'll have company).
Now just see how this works...
I say, well, just give me the dates you would like to have her asap, because during the time when she is with you, I will use it to do whatever travelling I wish to do...
Does H like that? NOT A BIT! He says, well I can't tell you right now when exactly I can have her, but it will definitely be for at least two to three weeks. (Notice how he has already decreased the period he wishes to have her, to sabotage any plans I may have to go further afield...)
I say to him, H I am asking you now when you wish to have D. I am giving you absolute first choice in this matter, then whatever you say, within reason of course, I will plan around.
Does this sound like a good thing to H? You bet NOT. After all, from what I have read, YOU CANNOT EVER PLEASE A NARCISSIST.
He starts going on about how his friend from other country is coming over at some point, he doesn't know when yet, even though he would like to have D there the whole time, he can't get much work done etc. (Hello? He keeps telling me to get a PROPER JOB, but what happens when D has fourteen weeks of summer vacation? Either I manage to work with her around or I have to find lots of cash for expensive childcare.) Last year he had OW2 around with him to help entertain D, I don't know if she will be around this year as well, so H will have to actually do something with D himself!
The fact is, as far as D is concerned, H is 'free' to go away and travel with regard to his personal projects at any time of the year, year round. He merely has to 'inform' me. I am only able to do that during these fourteen weeks, either with D (when I don't get much work done), or without if she is staying with her father. But either way even there, H is annoyed that I wish to do so.
Towards the end of the call, H said, well it's still three months, so we don't have to agree anything now, there's no hurry. I said, well, I would like to know as soon as possible from my point of view... (If I am bookng long distance flights, for instance, the good deals and seats are available now, not two weeks before the date of travel)
H sounded highly irritated, and said, well, I can't say anything now, hope you get better, and then said bye abruptly and put down the phone.
If I am not mistaken, in our SA, it states that the dates for visitation during the summer vacation (which start at the end of the first week of JUNE, should be decided between us by the end of April. That's only about five weeks before the start of the holidays. I am going to dig up the SA and check.
I am so TIRED of being jerked around by the Jerk.
He did the same thing last year - I asked him when he wanted D. H said as he was going nowhere, it was all the same to him. Then when I came up with concrete stuff, he hit the roof. I made it a point to be here for the four weeks of visitation stipulated in the SA, but he didn't take up all the days of it, he spent a couple of weekends in between with OW1! (He evidently likes to ground me with babysitting D while he is of f******* with his OW - sorry to be crude.)
Also a couple of days ago, he said, next weekend D has Monday off as well, so I will have here for three days! (Remember this weekend was supposed to be his, but HE TOLD me he wouldn't be able to take her. So technically next weekend D is with me)
I said, if that's the case, fine, but I will not change back as I am making plans this weekend that include D. H had to accpet that. It turns out his friends cancelled the plan. Just as well I was firm, otherwise H might have tried to change back again. But, it doesn't make next weekend his by right. He himself made me change weekends around so as to coincide with the D of W3, now those weekends will be out of synch. When I pointed this out to H, he got annoyed, and said he couldn't help it. I said H, I am only pointing it out to you, it really doesn't matter to me either way, it's just that I don't want to have to change around every second time, at the last minute, that's all.
He said, you've had D this weekend after all...(yup, that's because you informed me you wouldn't be taking her!) and also pointed out that he agreed to let me have D two weekends in a row when my sis is here. He makes it all out to be a great gift from him, rather than mostly him changing his plans around every second weekend!
I wonder if anyone has read to the end of this boring and convoluted tale?
Basically, I am going to have to read my SA and get firm with him about things. I am certain he will decline to have D for a straight four weeks, plus alterante weekends the rest of the time, so as to stymie any lengthy travels on my part. I am wondering if his 'four weeks' could be claimed by him as one week at a time, every three weeks, so as to cause maximum inconveninece to me?
I must explain, the reason I travelled away for a long time last year was to include visits to my dying aunt (I knew it would be the last time I ever saw her, she had had a serious stroke two years before) and mother (mum had been given about two years to live and she died ten days after her two years were up). I managed to get some interesting travel in for D to enjoy and a bit of work on my project as well.
This year I would travel so as to complete more of my personal project which has to be done in my country of origin, far away, needing more than a couple of weeks really.
OK, today's meal went well, lots of folk turned up and we had a nice time. My house guests also had a nice visit. The only bad thing was that my throat hurt and I felt under the weather in parts, but I managed to get through the weekend doing everything that was planned.
So now, early to bed.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
