Thanks for your thoughts. It is funny, I woke up this morning from deep sleep (I have stopped waking up at unearthly hours, fretting and worrying) and the thought that was on my mind was - why did I say I would meet H for lunch?
I realise that the bottom line is - I don't wish to have lunch with H, period. Why was I not able to just politely decline?
I am stuck in being nice mode, and smoothing the way mode and being grateful for crumbs mode, and being honest mode (after all, I didn't have a proper excuse to decline, I didn't have another lunch engagement, for instance...), being obliging mode, being available mode, and on and on.
I just realised, if I don't wish to have lunch with H, then I don't have to! Simple as that! There!
So this morning I emailed him to say that I had to cry off the lunch. But I couched it in as polite a way as I could, without explaining myself.
Fact is, I have loads of things to be getting on with, that I would rather be doing.
I am beginning to feel a lightness and a sense of freedom!
I went to the hairdresser today, and he asked if I was married after I mentioned having a daughter. I said yes, married and separated. But for the first time in ages, I didn't feel married, just felt myself and happy to be me.
Yay me!
NOTE: I am aware that I will probably have to pay a PRICE for backing off H so completely, but if I'm lucky, he may just simply lose interest in me...
You ask, Mojo, whether I have got a diagnosis for H about NPD etc. That made me laugh, with no offence to you intended.
H won't even go to see a regular doctor unless he is desperate. I can't say I go much either!
The idea of H going to consult with someone is SOOOOOOOO difficult to imagine, that I can't!
H is not into self improvement or exploration - he would rather die than read books like the ones I have been ordering recently.
See, H is very clever (as I might have mentioned before) and if he wants to, and only then, he can pick up knowledge and skills remarkably quickly and well, and has done so. But true introspection is not on his menu.
Interestingly, I have read that narcissists seldom if ever go for councelling or therapy. There's lots of stuff about that -
I don't think I need an official diagnosis. I know what H is like, having lived with him for ten years, and I am basing my decision on that.
I spent years in slight puzzlement, frustration, bewilderment, hurt and rage, at various stages. Being "Miss Perseverance" I stuck at it, trying to figure him out. Trying to make things work. And papering over the cracks..
What I have read about NPD just sort of "clicks" in a big way. The pieces of the puzzle fit together.
It really does take two to tango and I don't think my H is capable of doing that.
I think he is kind of capable of coexisting alongside someone else on a sunny day, but come the rain, the storm, the difficult times, anything deeper or more demanding than a picnic and he is suddenly not interested, he feels threatened by the "demands"...
I think I'd rather struggle on my own, thanks. And maybe one day I might meet someone who will be a real partner to me, who knows?
One more thing, for years I was sandwiched between TWO narcissists - my H and my mother, but that's a story for another day folks!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
