I have a friend whos mum has BPD (borderline Personality disorder). I've talked to her for a long time about how to deal with a BPD mum. We used the theory that two heads are better than one. I've read the websites etc and they've been a great help. By using me and a sounding post she felt she was able to balance the head/heart problem. I was using my head and she was using her heart. She's 38 and has finally given up and has made the decision never to see her mum again. This has been made very reluctantly but has been done because of the effect the BDP grandmother was having on her children.
From the outside it's easy to see what needs to be done. And in her case her head kept on telling her what needed to be done. But of course ones heart tells us something else.
I'm guessing that similar things apply to anyone with a personality disorder.
Only you can decide Liv what needs to be done for your family. And by using that word family I include your h too. If he does have NPD has that been properly diagnosed? Does he accept the diagnosis? And is he willing to do anything about it?
Thanks for your thoughts. It is funny, I woke up this morning from deep sleep (I have stopped waking up at unearthly hours, fretting and worrying) and the thought that was on my mind was - why did I say I would meet H for lunch?
I realise that the bottom line is - I don't wish to have lunch with H, period. Why was I not able to just politely decline?
I am stuck in being nice mode, and smoothing the way mode and being grateful for crumbs mode, and being honest mode (after all, I didn't have a proper excuse to decline, I didn't have another lunch engagement, for instance...), being obliging mode, being available mode, and on and on.
I just realised, if I don't wish to have lunch with H, then I don't have to! Simple as that! There!
So this morning I emailed him to say that I had to cry off the lunch. But I couched it in as polite a way as I could, without explaining myself.
Fact is, I have loads of things to be getting on with, that I would rather be doing.
I am beginning to feel a lightness and a sense of freedom!
I went to the hairdresser today, and he asked if I was married after I mentioned having a daughter. I said yes, married and separated. But for the first time in ages, I didn't feel married, just felt myself and happy to be me.
Yay me!
NOTE: I am aware that I will probably have to pay a PRICE for backing off H so completely, but if I'm lucky, he may just simply lose interest in me...
You ask, Mojo, whether I have got a diagnosis for H about NPD etc. That made me laugh, with no offence to you intended.
H won't even go to see a regular doctor unless he is desperate. I can't say I go much either!
The idea of H going to consult with someone is SOOOOOOOO difficult to imagine, that I can't!
H is not into self improvement or exploration - he would rather die than read books like the ones I have been ordering recently.
See, H is very clever (as I might have mentioned before) and if he wants to, and only then, he can pick up knowledge and skills remarkably quickly and well, and has done so. But true introspection is not on his menu.
Interestingly, I have read that narcissists seldom if ever go for councelling or therapy. There's lots of stuff about that -
I don't think I need an official diagnosis. I know what H is like, having lived with him for ten years, and I am basing my decision on that.
I spent years in slight puzzlement, frustration, bewilderment, hurt and rage, at various stages. Being "Miss Perseverance" I stuck at it, trying to figure him out. Trying to make things work. And papering over the cracks..
What I have read about NPD just sort of "clicks" in a big way. The pieces of the puzzle fit together.
It really does take two to tango and I don't think my H is capable of doing that.
I think he is kind of capable of coexisting alongside someone else on a sunny day, but come the rain, the storm, the difficult times, anything deeper or more demanding than a picnic and he is suddenly not interested, he feels threatened by the "demands"...
I think I'd rather struggle on my own, thanks. And maybe one day I might meet someone who will be a real partner to me, who knows?
One more thing, for years I was sandwiched between TWO narcissists - my H and my mother, but that's a story for another day folks!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I didn't mean to be offensive in my questions to you. I'm sure you didn't take it as offensive but I just wanted to let you know.
I think you're right They don't get better not unless they really want to work at it. So bearing in mind your h doesn't even see a doctor he doesn't sound like he has much of a chance.
I may have said this to you before but you h sounds a lot like my h who does have a diagnosis of BPD.
Absolutely no offence taken, Mojo. Did you get my email, by the way?
I didn't hear from H in answer to my email earlier, so I emailed again to see if he had got my message about not coming for lunch. H rang just now.
Firstly, he wanted to know if I had the telephone number of one of HIS old friends in other country. I said, not. It is not in H's nature to keep a track of the addresses and phone numbers of even his own friends! This has happened all the time. I was his keeper of documents, records, information, whatever. Oooops - I take that back - I did NOTHING!!!!!
Anyway, then he says, it is a shame I can't go for lunch, he really wanted to give me my DVD present himself! He asks me if I really am so busy? I say, I have stuff to be doing... Then there is this long silence. He says, it is like D on the phone sometimes, only you can hear her breathing! (She used to be more like that when she was younger and she had nothing to say on the phone...) H says, pity, I wanted to see you...
Then H asked what I was doing this weekend. I told him his nephew and family were coming down. He said, oh nice, maybe we could meet up for lunch? I pointed out that they were only leaving to come here after Saturday lunch, as the kids have Saturday morning school, and he said, oh yeah.
I was wondering to myself what became of his plan to spend the weekend walking with friends... but I didn't ask about that.
Funny old world.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I missed the party, I am so sorry, please forgive me. Can I still get a treat bag?
Happy belated birthday to you (on Key of course).
I don't want to make excuses but yesterday was a heck of a day, I found out over the morning paper about the acquaintance that had died. I have also been taking antibiotics (which have made me loopy)for this abssessed area in my mouth, turns out I have been grinding my teeth at night since H left.
Hope you have a fab party with yopur friends over the weekend. Will you be joining H and D for lunch tomorrow at the Chinese restaurant?
Don't worry, there's a treat bag for you, and loads of grub left!
No, I held out with my decision NOT to go. H is so used to getting me to do what he wants and I have always been so available to fall in with his plans, but I have decided that I didn't really want to go, so I'm not!
And the fact that he is 'available' to meet his nephew etc leads me to suspect that he is probably staying in town this weekend, and who would he be staying with, I wonder????
Actually, I don't really care any more.
What I still worry about is the parenting aspect, and perhaps H taking D to see OW1 and co in the future... puke.
Mojo
I will try again with the other address!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL - I wanted to wish you a fabulous celebratory weekend. One of your comments especially caught my eye
Quote: Firstly, he wanted to know if I had the telephone number of one of HIS old friends in other country. I said, not. It is not in H's nature to keep a track of the addresses and phone numbers of even his own friends! This has happened all the time. I was his keeper of documents, records, information, whatever.
This was the case with us too. I often wonder why keeping track of friends can be such a chore for some people.
