Liv, just going to pipe in my two cents worth -- I agree with Ellie that we run a risk in trying to diagnose our WAs. They are so changeable, the diagnosis can change quickly! Plus, I for one am not educated enough to make a definitive diagnosis of anything.
That said, I have been seeing a therapist since about a week after the bomb. It's the best gift I gave myself. In fact, I had worked with this same therapist regarding some post-partum issues about 10 years ago, so she had a knowledge of my and my sitch which was invaluable.
It was this therapist who raised possible NPD in STBXH with me, based on our work done in both 1994 and 2004. I think that's pretty interesting. The more I independently read on NPD, and in discussions with STBXH's brothers, cousins and aunts (not all of them -- I just mean the ones who offered their two cents, believe me), his narcissism has been a lifelong trait, exacerbated, I think by MLC. STBXH began the affairs, apparently, when our children were small (think that affected my post-partum sitch? she says as a small bell rings in her head), so the MLC is not the cause of his actions, but more of a stage in his journey.
I am telling you all this because viewing it and him in this way did allow me to detach. I am not responsible for his fidelity, for his narcissism, for his stuff -- as much as he has tried to make it about me. You know, according to him, had I been "enough" of a woman, he would never had had to cheat, to do online porn, none of it. It's all my fault!
That's why I posted that I realize how free I am and how healthy I can finally be. I appreciate that you are getting to the same place. I'm here for you, Liv, as we both muddle through.
Perhaps there is a link between which marriages can endure through such a trial -- perhaps when one person is dealing with issues which prevent him or her from being clear, then those marriages can't work until the person gets clear. I don't know, and it would be interesting to hear Michele Weiner-Davis' perspective.
And, happy birthday! Here's to the Aries people on the board!
