Last night D was a real cutie. First she made a jelly (Jell-O) all on her own, and she was mighty proud of herself. Then she melted Easter Egg chocolate to make a "cake" for me, stuck candles in it and sang Happy Birthday to me! Although it is only on Wednesday.
And she wrapped something of hers up to give me as a present.
She was a thoroughly nice person throughout!
H called this morning. Asked me to please, this one last time, ring him back to see if the phone fault was completely fixed, though it seems it isn't.
Then he asked, was I havng a big party tomorrow? I said, no, it was a normal working day. I didn't mention the lunch at the weekend.
He said he might be coming down on Friday so maybe we could meet up, and I just murmered, let's see... He mentioned that his present of the DVD should be arriving soon. I said I would let him know as soon as it did.
Interestingly, I feel neither excitement, nor fear, nor happiness when he rings now.
But I am bracing myself for the future when he starts working on me regarding the house, I know it will start some time. He has inched his way into the tent (story of the camel who starts out with only his nose in the tent, but lands up with his whole self in, and no space for anyone else) and I know he will only really stop when there is nothing further to concede to him.
Seeing him so much more clearly now is helping me to get closure, which is what was preventing me from really "letting go" for so long.
I have cried a few short times in the last two weeks, but they are more cries of relief and letting go of tension, rather than ones that generate tension and anxiety.
I have had breakouts of acne in the past few months, but I feel sure that everything will clear up with time and acceptance, and I will look and feel better too.
One thing - I realize that this is a board for fighting for one's marriage, and I don't want to be a party pooper here. It was the two year anniversary of the bomb last Sunday and I have been DBing for the last eighteen months.
I don't regret that time at all, because it has finally brought me to some understanding, which I didn't have before. Without any understanding, there can be no closure. The open wound stays infested with the buzzing of the "whys?" (flies).
Michele does state clearly that not all marriages can be saved, but she doesn't go into which ones can't and why they can't. It would be helpful if she did.
I have come to the conclusion that I don't wish to save my marriage any more. Because we would return to the previous status quo, which would be unacceptable. That staus quo brought us to this point in the first place.
Why do I say we would return to that previous stauts quo? Because all the evidence from H is that he does not wish to change or fix or solve, and all that I have read about NPD (which he fits almost to a "T") is that change is not possible.
So much that puzzled me about H throughout the marriage is amazingly clearly explained by this dynamic. Sooooooooooo very much.
I don't even feel anger towards H any more. Just a detached compassion that he had to have such a lousy childhood, and a need to protect myself and not be a victim any more.
And while I have felt great anger towards his OW, especially OW1, I now know that H is really the architect of his own fate. The OW are gullible and naive and needy, just like we have all been once, and may continue to be.
I am choosing to open my eyes and make some decisions. It is easier to make these decisions once one has LET GO.
