In spite of our different situations, I think you and I are somewhat alike in our responses. A way in which I think you and I are similar is that I get my hopes up, then see them smashed, and it hurts so much. The diff is that you keep hoping, whereas I have stomped on some of my hope.

The other night, it had been so long since we were even remotely sexual (in spite of sleeping together naked every night), that I turned to him and initiated some serious kissing. He responded and we had fun with it for a few minutes. Then it was over. He didn't reach for anything, and frankly I didn't either. I didn't sense any interest from him on proceeding. I rolled over and we went to sleep. I can't find my desire. Lately I've been despondent... nothing seems to help. Even the UL stuff just reminds me that I've been feeling this way for years.

BF just got back from a physical this morning. Doc gave him two packs of Viagra samples-- I think it's 10 pills all together. He seemed really excited about it. We'll see. Been here, done this. If I get excited about his excitement, I'm just setting myself up for a crash. As a 7, bf gets caught up in planning. Sometimes he feels that if he's planned something, it's the same as doing it. Having those Viagra pills probably makes him feel that he's being very sexual and has fulfilled that obligation.

I know I'm dragging my feet and not doing my work... Like I said before, I can dish out the advice, but I can't take my own advice. I'm in a cranky mood and I think I'll go out in the yard now and eat worms...