Des, I missed the references to the song and to buffy and spike. But Heathcliff and Cathy, now that is something I can relate to!
NOP, that had me LOL and that is a feat right now. Gotta snap out of this. He is irritated that he came home and I'm down in the dumps. GGB, I tried explaining it to him but he's not in the mood to hear it. I think I've beat him about the head with it for too many days in a row, like Mel said. I need to let up and let it be.
I think that this revelation has been a long time coming. For some reason, I need him to look me in the eye and say that he doesn't desire me all that much. What he has historically done is argue with me, instead of validating what I ultimately know to be true, anyway.
Here is the biggest piece of "oh you gotta be kiddin me" info: In my head, I have this idea that having a man to desire me is my...birthright or something! It is not a gift, it is my RIGHT. I know this is screwed up thinking, but I've thought this way so long (do all women?) that it will take time to ditch it.
Uglypot (having a big time pity party today)
P.S. Mel that surgery can't come soon enough, can it. I'm going from a reasonable woman to a raving lunatic.
" I want to **** you like an animal" is just one of the lines...All about desire and needing someone sexually. I suggest you never let hubby listen. You can probably find it somewhere on google if you are not easily offended. What can i say about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Spike?
des
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless. (Byron Katie)
Honey - I think I need this too. I didn't think so, but I want to be wanted beyond all comprehension. I think that any man that is ever with me will have a life altering experience. I want him to think of nothing else than of the next time we can be together and make mad passionate love together. Earth shattering, shaking the rafters, passionate, toe curling love. Whew. And the more I think about it, the more I want it and the more I am devastated that I can't have it. I think I must have reached my limit here and I don't want you to go there. I want you to love your man and love yourself and just be.
I made a stupid mistake today and asked him if anyone had ever told him what a stupid idiot he is for screwing up our lives so bad. Like I'm some fantastic prize and any man not happy to be with me must be brain dead. But that's the way I felt. Like he should be so enamoured of me that he couldn't even THINK of another woman.
Different scenario, I know, but I see couples together and think to myself, "Don't screw it up. Cherish each other. Love each other. Do whatever you can to keep this precious." The alternative is heart wrenching, like your heart is being ripped from your body.
I want to be cherished. I want to be the one and only. It kills me to hear him talk to me about her and I told him so today. "Please, I know I asked you to be honest with me, but I do not want to hear about her or your relationship with her."
I know I'm new here, and not really one of the group, but please listen. Whatever you have to do, hold it together, because the alternative is hell.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
FWIW, I really do feel you are under so much stress. You are feeling physical pain in the one area that has brought you the most comfort. It really is a lot to deal with.
Drop the desire issue for now and wait until you are feeling better after the surgery to re-address it all here. I can tell you that most long term wives have that Mrs. Roper feeling from time to time, and it does suck. But right now you just have to concentrate on getting well.
Sending you lottsa extra chocolately hot chocolate ( Mr. HP is not the only one in the house with a sweet tooth, I bet).
xo,
IHJ---who is eyeing the mint choc chip ice cream in the fridge since H is out with his infamous "buddy"
Candy or sex, hmmm....My relatively LD married sister has weight issues. She told me I'm lucky I prefer sex to candy and other treats because at least that gives me a good motive for dieting. OTOH, my H has said that I'm dishonest when I say I prefer sex to candy because otherwise I would have lost weight years ago since it is a matter of conventional wisdom that overweight people are less sexually desirable.
My FIL has a serious sweet tooth but he is also a fitness fanatic (he biked across the country last year at 69). He is married to a professional baker so she constantly tempts him with baked goods all winter long, he gains weight, starts freaking out about the fact that he is getting out of shape and feels compelled to book himself on monthes long solo bike trips in order to get away from the baked goods and lose the weight. This causes a lot of stress in their marriage because there is no way his W is fit enough to even think about joining him on these excursions (They've only been married 6 years. This is my FIL's 3rd marriage).
Okay, I had a point here for you, HP. What was it? I know what would make you feel better about his answer. What if Mr.HP went to the doctor to find out how he might be more HD for sex and the doctor told him that he needed to cut back on the sugar in his diet. I bet he would cut back on the sugar in order to improve your situation. Just because your H suffers more physical deprivation symptoms when he gives up sugar than when he gives up sex doesn't mean he wants to crave sugar more than he craves sex.
BTW: I really think it is kind of amazing that your H can go so long without sex or MB. Do you think that during his years in seminary or the Marines he might have developed the ability to sort of "redigest" his sperm/semen. I think I read that some Yogis can do something like that.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Mellanie, Thank you. I need to be reminded of the GOOD in my life, and there is a lot of it. You know, I was going to come over to your thread today and tell you (I was thinking of this yesterday but too self absorbed to write it out) that it might be a good idea to gently and kindly set some boundaries for your H. Coming to YOUR home, hanging out with YOU and then talking about and/or calling the OW is ludicrous. You don't have to be a shrew and I'm sure there is a way to word it that makes you look like the more attractive alternative (cause no doubt she's using her anger to control him) but the days of him treating you like a buddy have to be GONE. If he wants to be your lover and your husband, then by all means come around.
JJ, Your posts always crack me up because it is a bit like watching some crazy TV program with folks who are too strange to be for real. Except yours are real! LOL The cross country biking fitness freak FIL married to a baker..now I've heard it all. lol I don't know about redigesting sperm but I do feel that 99.9% of MrHP's sex drive is in his head. Kinda like a woman's sex drive, I guess. We don't have loads of testosterone floating around, so the urges we feel are going to be generated from a different source. HOW he can ignore the T floating around, I do not know. But he does. So here we find ourselves in a state of semi-abstinence and there is no reason for him to be thinking sexually, so he acts more and more like a roommate and less like a husband. Once his brain starts thinking Sex again, he acts like a semi-normal guy.
Well, last night was fine. He is really good at de-fusing me, I must say. He uses a special blend of humor, reassurance, love, harshness, and talking until things are calmer. I think I needed to hear him say that he DOES know what a strong physical urge feels like and he does NOT feel that about sex. For so long, he has argued with me that he does feel that way and it has made me feel invalidated. I would try to explain how I felt and he'd chime in, Yeah I feel that too!
True to form, though, he is making this all about sweets. He now wants to give up sweets! I told him, H you do whatever you think is prudent in that area, this was NOT about you binging on sweets, for me. I was just trying to illustrate what it is, specifically, that I feel as desire--the same thing you feel for sweets.
So that was that.
Thank you all for the kind words and the HoneyTrain is officially back on the tracks.
HP
P.S. To Cemar: Well nanny nanny boo boo, right back atcha!
Funny, my H has a major sweet tooth also. I also think he may have given that same answer. Why? He has been accustomed to depriving himself of sex over the years - seminary, dating with religious values that prohibit sex, and a personality that places sex at the bottom of the list of what is important. And I really do understand that you only want to be WANTED in your marriage and that every other part of marital happiness somehow comes in second to this. I feel that way too. I feel that the desire to be a good partner in the other areas flows from sexual bondedness. That I want to keep a nice house, be a good partner etc... because HE is the person that I am sexually bonded to. I want him and that is part of my motivation for the other things. KWIM? It does ick me out to have to request touch. It does make me mad and make it less sexy. I do feel slighted but I just can't seem to get out of this dilemma without communication and as you said, confrontation with my own demons.
The thing I keep realizing is that for my H it doesn't work that way. I think that sexuality meets his physical needs first and emotional ones second and that those physical needs can be sublimated to an extent that makes them easy to ignore. Given all of that Mr. HP doesn't even see the sweets vs Honey as an issue to compare. He doesn't equate the desire for sweets and the desire for Honey. To him, his desire for Honey is a given, a part of him, almost like his favorite shirt. Everyone (including you) knows it is his favorite shirt and to him it seems obvious that honey is his favorite girl. The sweets are something outside of him and therefore, more problematic. Does that ring true at all?
BTW - I think things will look up considerably after the surgery and recovery.
