I used to be very critical of his efforts, and flat out told him so. I can't imagine how DEmotivating I must have been. I really am trying harder now to look inward, instead of the very fun but not always effective, finger pointing.
Were you referring to a specific thing I said? If so, lemme know...I know that sometimes he takes things that I say as criticism and I didn't mean it that way at all. PLEASE clue me in if you see areas that I'm being insensitive.
Well, I kept hounding my H to give me an answer on the: which was harder, giving up sweets for Lent or giving up your W during illness question and I got my answer. Sweets all the way, baby.
I don't know why I kept pressing for an answer when I already knew what it was. It was as if I needed to hear HIM say the words. I needed to hear HIM own up to the fact that he does indeed know what desire feels like.
At any rate, I must be an idiotic masochist cause now I feel weepy and sad. I saw what he acted like during Lent and how hard it was for him to abstain from eating candy and cookies, etc. He's got a powerful sweet tooth. This tooth does not crave Honey's though.
I'm trying to find a way to spin this into a positive and be able to move on with my day but I'm coming up short.
I am venting this here because I'm already afraid that my HOM skills will be put to a serious test when I see him tonight.
There you go HP- You kept pressing for an answer. Pressing. Pressing. Get it? Stop pressing. Accept that he is there with you, accept his email to you. Accept his love for you without making him have to do it YOUR way. How about instead of making him choose which was harder, just say, "sweet heart, I know how hard this been on you to give up lovemaking and I really appreciate how tender and kind and loving you've been."
It's not easy for me to say, but I would give him the WRONG answer sometimes just cause he bugged me so much asking for it.
naughty mel-alone and without a husband
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
That is the path I've been trying to take, the kind and gentle one, but he p*ssed me off last night with his flirty email that turned out to be a Get her off my back gesture. That threw me for a loop and I felt foolish. So he starts in on me...saying he DOES desire me, etc etc, and I felt the need to clarify "desire" for him. Desire is when you want something and think about it and go after it, if you have the opportunity. It is not an intellectual feeling that you think something is nice..and pleasing..but No thanks not right now. He does not have sexual desire for me. He has desire for sweets. I don't know why but I need to make this distinction with him. I need to hear him say, I don't desire you all that much but I love you and so I make this a priority anyway. I'm tired of him arguing with me that he does desire me when it's clear he doesn't. I just want truth....even if it hurts me. Why! I don't know!!!
You are right, I'm pressing him. I need to stop, I've done this before with the same crappy results.
Fcuking sweets. I feel like throwing every gosh damned brownie and cookie in the trash. I never buy it, he went on a spree last week at the grocery store and loaded up. Must have been horny.
Bitterpot
P.S. I will read your message again later and I promise I will let the words sink in.
Honey, keep in mind he isn't giving up his W totally, only one aspect of the R (ok, a relatively minor one in his eyes, a major one in yours). I'm sure if the question was put in such a way that he was completely isolated from you the answer would be a "Honey all the way, baby". Keeping with the sweets, Giving up the nookie is like giving up only pastries (which perhaps is not even his favorite sweet) for lent, but he'd still be free to indulge in cookies and candy. He's still got a beautiful and engaging W taking care of him and willing to discuss his favorite subjects. What more could a man want? KWIM?
Anyway, maybe you should discuss with him how his answer made you feel. Just discuss your feelings. Don't vent on him, you want to get to a place where you can both open up to each other more. I know he doesn't want to hurt you, and I suspect he's wondering what he did wrong.
--GGB, wishing he was better at listening to his own advice
So, I am guessing that anything short of him singing Nine Inch Nails "closer" won't make You feel what it is you need to feel. I feel for you honeypot, I do. My husband just doesn't have sex on his mind ( at least not sex with me) very often and then it is often in response to me telling him I need this to feel what ever it is I need to feel. He tries once or twice and then forgets about it. I am not thinking he is ever going to be Mr. Passion. I know that what I want is someone to want me the way Spike wants Buffy. That in your space passion. Someone who would love me like ...what? A movie? Heathcliff and Kathy.
I am not going through my life fighting this. I am trying to find other ways of coping, short of the very convenient lover.
It does make me feel good that he is willing to make the effort for me sometimes.
des
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless. (Byron Katie)
Boy, we're busy today aren't we? Honey, I didn't want to make you mad or rile you up. I want you to relax and calm down. I don't think your H wanted to make you mad either. He's probably feeling like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs and that he just can't do anything right.
How many days until your surgery, 4? You can make it, you really can. He LOVES you. You love him. Get through this crisis first, then deal with the other stuff when you're healed.
I know it's been going on for a long time, but it can wait.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
HP, I am going to send your hubby a five pound bag of individually wrapped "Bit-O-Honey" candies.
At least you will get a chuckle out of each and every one that he eats :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
