There’s some powerful stuff in your post. I’ve done a lot of this work already, after reading and slowly digesting PM. Maybe UL is the next book for me, but I am not ready for another book just yet! I need to coast for a while
Quote: Here's the thing: it's not your H's behavior that hurts, it's your feelings that hurt. IOW it's your response to his behavior that causes you pain.
This is very true. Somewhere along the line, I realized that unless his behavior was rooted in an intent to hurt, then the hurt I feel is mine and of my own doing. The solution to this was to stop taking his behavior personally, and stop being reactive to him. It is easier said than done, but I really have come a long, long way in implementing this. However, there is a caveat. This has to be balanced with a genuine attempt on his part to change his behaviors in accordance with my desires. The two go hand in hand. The tricky part is recognizing when one’s partner is making that genuine attempt, and not invalidating that by wallowing in one’s own pain.
Quote: Or an analogy closer to home: let's say that part of who you consider yourself to be is a woman whose house is always spotlessly clean. Your H is in the habit of throwing his dirty laundry on the bedroom floor. (I said this was fantasy. ) It makes you furious to see his stuff on the floor and you tell him over and over again that it's important to you for him to put his clothes in the hamper. Let's say you go through a process of some kind, and the possibility of you getting okay with his laundry on the floor presents itself as an option. I would guess that your first reaction might very well be: "But I'd have to get used to lower standards of housekeeping. If I do that... then what? I can no longer claim a spotlessly clean house as one of the things that identifies me as me."
I was laughing while reading this because I have lived this. One of the things that made me a ‘not-so-nice-person’ is that I gravitate towards organization and cleanliness, and used to nag everyone around me into submission. My H is a slob (said in the most loving tone!). He wouldn’t notice laundry on the floor if it flew up and hit him in the face. He needed for me to be a more pleasant person, so I needed to increase my tolerance for chaos. I am actually enjoying leaving dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor, while I wear a smile on my face, lol! Who knew?
