Quote: Lillie, I do think it would be beneficial to me to do the work you are suggesting. I can think back to many times in my early days when I felt 'less than desirable' (not sexually, of course). My dad had several unflattering nicknames for me and was neither loving nor affectionate nor kind nor attentive to me, as a child. He basically neglected me (and the rest of my family) to the extent that we scarcely had food, clothing and shelter and frequently went without these. So I realize that a lot of my neediness with H is due to FOO issues. He has even pointed this out to me.
He is not responsible for "healing" these past issues (that I truthfully never even think about) but he IS responsible for his own personal growth. This is where the whole thing breaks down for me, I guess. I do need to work through some FOO issues but guess what? At the end of it, there will be my H..still professing that he's too shy and awkward to force himself to show his desire. That I will just have to trust that it's there.
Here's the thing: it's not your H's behavior that hurts, it's your feelings that hurt. IOW it's your response to his behavior that causes you pain. I know we've covered this before... but just a recap: it's because of who YOU are that his behavior triggers feelings of hurt, annoyance, irritation, futility, etc. As Cemar pointed out, there are probably plenty of women who would LOVE his behavior-- or at least claim to love it (Mrs. Hairdog springs to mind).
It occurs to me that one reason for resisting going through the exercise of connecting today's pain with a hurt from the distant past is that maybe you're apprehensive that after exploring your feelings, his behavior might actually NOT bother you any more. And THAT prospect is very unappealing. Seeing yourself as passionately desired by a man-- particularly an admittedly LD man-- is part of YOUR OWN identity. To be so attractive sexually that a deeply religious, ex-Marine cannot resist you-- that's powerful. In high school, I had a crush on Mr. Spock. I wanted to be the one who "got to" him. (Now I've got a guy I can't "get to.") If you got to the point where his hesitance to reveal his desire and act on it really didn't bother you, I think that would be a pretty scary prospect. It would mean letting go of a trait of yours that you have convinced yourself is absolutely essential to Being Honey. To become okay with his behavior means relaxing your standards and settling for less, and that's not a happy thought EVEN IF it makes the hurt go away.
Here's an analogy. Suppose growing up you always wanted to go to Harvard. You studied hard, got fab grades, decorated your bedroom with Harvard items, and told everyone that one day you would be a Harvard graduate. When you finally graduate from high school, money is tight and your dad suggests you go to the local junior college for a year or two and then transfer. You really don't want to do that. And when you search your feelings to figure out why you really don't want to, you're afraid that you'll LIKE the junior college and will abandon your Harvard dream. You've always thought of yourself as Harvard material. If you graduate from a local school, what happens to that part of your identity that was totally bound up with being a Harvard graduate? If it turns out you like the local school, how will you get okay inside yourself to having succumbed to lower standards?
Or an analogy closer to home: let's say that part of who you consider yourself to be is a woman whose house is always spotlessly clean. Your H is in the habit of throwing his dirty laundry on the bedroom floor. (I said this was fantasy. ) It makes you furious to see his stuff on the floor and you tell him over and over again that it's important to you for him to put his clothes in the hamper. Let's say you go through a process of some kind, and the possibility of you getting okay with his laundry on the floor presents itself as an option. I would guess that your first reaction might very well be: "But I'd have to get used to lower standards of housekeeping. If I do that... then what? I can no longer claim a spotlessly clean house as one of the things that identifies me as me."
These are gross (large and clumsy) examples, but you get the idea. Go through the process and see what happens. The prospect of change is unsettling-- not HIS change: that's a comfortable thought! But what about change in YOU? Change you didn't plan for and didn't ask for?
And no, it's not your H's job to heal you, but we are unconsciously drawn to individuals who present us with emotional situations that need healing. I didn't make that up. We encounter those childhood hurts in our primary romantic R's so we can heal them. This idea is central to UL, but didn't originate there, by any means.
Edited to add: I don't mean pretending to be okay with the junior college or the laundry on the floor. I mean going through a process where you really DO become okay with these examples or with H's behavior. The prospect of becoming okay with something that right now totally bugs the cr&p out of you is yucky and it feels like the ONLY way for that to happen is to relax your standards in some way or put your needs aside. But going through the process of connecting present with past pain is kind of magic-- ask cinemanymph-- she's living it. No one is suggesting you "talk yourself out of" being pissed at his behavior. This is not a rational, logical process; it's experiential.
) It makes you furious to see his stuff on the floor and you tell him over and over again that it's important to you for him to put his clothes in the hamper. Let's say you go through a process of some kind, and the possibility of you getting okay with his laundry on the floor presents itself as an option. I would guess that your first reaction might very well be: "But I'd have to get used to lower standards of housekeeping. If I do that... then what? I can no longer claim a spotlessly clean house as one of the things that identifies me as me."
But what about change in YOU? Change you didn't plan for and didn't ask for?
