I can completely relate to how you are feeling right now. I'm in a similar situation where my W is taking advantage of a situation here to avoid anything sexual. And while I have to keep telling myself that "she does not have natural sexual feelings...deal with it" , I still can't help but resent the hell out of her. It's like she has a sprained ankle and wants me to push her around in a wheelchair indefinitely rather than try to do some minimal amount of work to stand on her own. I'm not looking for her to run a marathon, just stand on her own feet and stop depending on me to initiate 100% of the time. honey, ya, you deserve some whacks, but maybe with a whiffle ball bat instead.
The tough thing is that I'm really starting to be less attracted to her the more I tell my self "this is just who she is". Before, I had "hope" that she would change. But now that I've been thoroughly brainwashed by my C, I can no longer live in delusional bliss that she will become more sexual. Not that things can't work under these circumstances but we are so different in so many ways that it's just plain hard to deal with one more thing.
Anyway, I think I'm going to give her unlimited space and see if she initiates (or even notices). The problem is that I will have a really hard time being sweet and f-able the longer I wait.
Yep, I'm not feeling good right now. Maybe it's the fact that I have a pretty bad cold. Honey, I'm not meaning to hijack your thread, I just wanted you to know that these feelings probably happen to all of us regardless.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Dave, I feel myself getting into a bad space where I am wanting to be controlling and tell him what to do, etc, that's why I started writing all this here so that I can get it out of my system and keep my yap shut tonight.
If he wants to be more sexual, I'm presuming he will do so. I have asked him many times to work on that, and he has said he would. So far, I see little tiny signs that he is trying but many more times of deafening silence, so to speak.
I need to search back in the archives and find the book Corri told me to read long ago about expectations and how to ditch em. As a woman, I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect that my H be turned on by me when it has been weeks since our last sexual encounter and I'm trying to seduce him. He doesn't feel this way and feels that he does "desire" me (I put it in quotes because I seriously do not understand what desire means to him, if not physical desire..ie, hardons and such) but will wait until I say "I want you to do xyz".
I want him to be overcome with desire and approach me with abandon.
See all the expectations I'm harboring?
I have to tell you folks that I am realllllllllllllllll good when having regular sex. Hell, I'm a regular marriage therapist, move on over MWD! But put me in a celibate situation with a guy who flat out ignores me, and I turn into a quivering mass of idiocy.
I'm off to take a hot shower and collect myself before H gets home. I'm turning this day around if it's the last thing I do.
Your feelings do sound a lot like when you were preggers ( towards the end); you're in need of some TLC of the sexual kind, and H is counting the days til the procedure. I have noticed a few times where he pulls back when he's concerned about your health...unfortunately, that is the time when some loving physical comfort/release would do you some good.
Do whatever you can to relax...be good to yourself...sending you extra huggs...
If I were your husband, with your religious sentiment and my normal horny, I would be doing whatever I could to get my mind off of sex. No cuddles, a minimum of sexual touching.
The reason has to do with testicles. Yep, those things. While it is true that they don't actually turn blue, they do get awfully painful when they are full. That is doubly bad if you repeatedly get turned on. Production steps up, but no release. Rinse and repeat.
I think that you two should discuss the issues and come up with an equitable solution. You can't expect him to know what you want automagically.
Communication is your friend. Conflict avoidance is not.
Tell him what you want and find out what his issue is. Figure out a solution. Maybe he doesn't suffer from the dreaded 'blue balls', either way, you will find out.
Hands are pretty useful when you can't do it the normal way.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Honey, what about oral? That seems like the obvious question to me.
This might be a good occasion to explore the UL approach to your feelings. You were asking about it the other day.
Can you think back to a time when you were a little kid that you wanted to know that someone important missed you? When you think about the core of the irritation you are feeling toward your H, try to trace it back to its roots... back past the sexual ingredient... to a time when you were wanting to be noticed or missed and you did everything you could to elicit that response from some important person in your life, but you were unsuccessful. Try to do this without judging or blowing it off. Imagine you're interviewing a three or four year old child.
When you get into the feeling, ask yourself what familiar response the feeling evokes in you (e.g., wanting to run and hide, wanting to shout and break things, etc.) AND what familiar beliefs does the feeling evoke (e.g., I'll never get exactly what I want, I could disappear and no one would ever miss me, and stuff like that). Spend some time on this part; don't rush through it.
Here's a tough one: what's the payoff to YOU if he stays this way forever?
And what is your deepest fear about things staying this way?
Just explore these. There's no door prize or anything. It won't make the infection go away or your H change to be the way you want him to, but you might get some little insight that will take off some of the pressure.
Just deciding to squash your expectations or "get over it" or not be mad when you're really mad-- those things don't work for me. It's like I have a tangled ball of yarn in my hands and I can't just keep knitting from there. I have to untangle the tangled strands or I can't rest.
HP, just wanted you to know I stopped by. Thanks for the visit over in affair land. Bad stuff happenin there. Here, all you talk about is sex. No wonder you're all so horny! If you want to talk about going without sex, It's been 10 months or so for me and if you want to hear about dreams, well, I've had some doozies.
Last night I was in a huge bed with LOTS of people, including kids and inlaws. Some young studly man slides up behind me and it's just starting to get to the good parts and ...yes, my 3 year old walks in and wants to climb into bed with me. Doggone it. Even dream sex would be a good deal. Can't even get that.
So just try to relax and take care of your non-sexual self for a bit til you are 100%
Just a question, I know it's probably been answered somewhere here, but what happens when YOU ignore HIM for a change? Does he wonder, hmmm, wonder why HP's not all over me tonight?
Well, off to psycho land for me. Let's see the big bed symbolizes my life and all the people in it. The nameless faceless man, he must be my future Mr. Mel if H doesn't get his act together.
BTW, I had a very minor infection while nursing D3 ( a while ago) and it ain't fun. Take care of yourself. me
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I sent Mr.HP a psychic message to "do you" last night. Did it work?
I'm going to recommend a mental exercise that's been working for me lately. Think about a time in your life when you made a conscious decision to be less sexual. For instance, I think about the semester in college when I made the big mistake of taking three 300 level physics courses at the same time. Realize that this is a skill you possess or a tool that you have at your disposal when you need it. If you feel yourself becoming upset about lack of sex, you can choose not to make it a priority. Of course, at least for me, this only works in the short run. I can tell myself "You can survive without cookies for the next month because you need to make losing the 5 lbs. you gained over Easter a priority." but I can't tell myself "Cookies are bad. It is wrong to want a cookie. You can never have a cookie again.".
Basically, what I'm saying is forget about Mr.HP and his ways for a while. Do what you have to do to make yourself comfortable until you have healed from this infection. It's okay to put dealing with your LDH on emotional hold until you feel better.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Last night was fine. We talked it out a bit..as much as you can with 3 little kids around..and I do feel better this morn. Nope, JJ, he fell asleep on me last night (while I was touching his penis, sigh) so no nookie but I feel better nonetheless.
NOP, MrHP considers any sex that is not penetration to be a mortal sin. So I probably could talk him into it--if it had been long enough--but he'd feel terrible the next day and so would I, knowing he felt like that.
Lillie, I do think it would be beneficial to me to do the work you are suggesting. I can think back to many times in my early days when I felt 'less than desirable' (not sexually, of course). My dad had several unflattering nicknames for me and was neither loving nor affectionate nor kind nor attentive to me, as a child. He basically neglected me (and the rest of my family) to the extent that we scarcely had food, clothing and shelter and frequently went without these. So I realize that a lot of my neediness with H is due to FOO issues. He has even pointed this out to me. He is not responsible for "healing" these past issues (that I truthfully never even think about) but he IS responsible for his own personal growth. This is where the whole thing breaks down for me, I guess. I do need to work through some FOO issues but guess what? At the end of it, there will be my H..still professing that he's too shy and awkward to force himself to show his desire. That I will just have to trust that it's there.
Last night, during part of our conversation, he said "I feel like the fact that I love you means nothing unless you get sex." I pondered on this for a moment and replied, in a nice tone and one that didn't match his snottiness, "I don't see it that way. It means everything to me that you love me, but...for me...the love can't stand on its own for very long." He loved this reply! It seemed to really convey what I am all about in a way that he could relate to. He repeated those words back to himself and said, Yeah I see what you're saying! I hate that my husband thinks that his love is secondary or not important to me. It is everything to me. But it is also important that he show this love in a way that is meaningful to me and not just a way that is meaningful to him. Otherwise, I don't get its full impact.
Mel, ignore MrHP for a while, eh. Intriguing idea. When I don't give him physical affection, he tends to think that I am mad at him. Or he does as he did last night and say, Put your leg over me. So he doesn't want to touch ME, but he feels like he needs to initiate some sorta contact or I'll be out of sorts. For those of you who are thinking, Oh he just likes it when you do that! I don't think so...he was asleep within seconds and then within minutes he was shaking me off. He did try to explain to me that he just doesn't like to be touched or talked to while in bed but I wasn't in the mood to talk about him, lol. I've told him that I need some extra reassurance and love and somethinsomethin while I'm ill and he doesn't do it. What I'm supposed to make of that, I don't know.
However, it was really a nice night. At one point, I mentioned that I would like to get a new robe this weekend, as I don't want to walk around the hosp next week wearing a gown with no back on it. And I know that I will not be able to lay in bed for 2 days and will want to move around. He jumped up, loaded up the kids and we went to the mall to buy one. This is NOT like my H. He is the most anti-shopping person you'll ever meet. He calls the mall nothing but "hedonistic consumerism". I was so surprised and delighted that he would do this.
He is a fantastic person. Kind and loving and generous and funny. If he were sexually responsive to me, I think I'd be over the moon for the rest of my life!
