I'm having a bit of a struggle with my H this morning, as well as myself.

Note: Before I start, I would like to say that any and all whacks are welcome. I know I need em.

I woke up yesterday morning in a foul mood because I was having a wonderful romantic dream....about another man. Whenever there has been a week (or more) in which he does not treat me like a lover, my wild dreams start taking over. Sexual dreams, sometimes romantic stuff. It is as if my mind just writes him off. Now, I never dream about HIM, usually, so it's not that he's being replaced...it's that I start having romantic or sexual dreams whereas before I wasn't having any dreams of this sort.
I'm sure it is resentment fueled, also. I tried to get something going with H last week, every night except Saturday. He didn't notice any of these nights. I was feeling mildly (ok evidently more than mildly) resentful about this but he is being SUCH a great husband in all other areas that I really tried to blow it off.
What I should have done is to address it, right then and there.

Instead, I tried to let it go and my dreams got the best of me. So I woke up actually MAD at him because he "caused" me to dream about other people, by treating me as a roommate these last weeks. !!!!!!
I know, I know, whack me people...what can I say...I was acting like an idiot. He asked what was wrong and I gave him a snide answer. (he deserves better than that, I totally blindsided him) From that point on, he avoided the convo for the rest of the day and was extra nice to me and pretended that I had never said that I was dreaming sexual dreams about other people because he was ignoring me. So I stewed all day and tried to get over myself but ultimately couldn't do it.

This is the fourth time during the time I've been ill that I have asked him to please NOT treat me as if we are roommates, even though there is not a lot of opportunity for nookie. He agreed last night that he is not doing this at all and has no reason why. All he can tell me is that he's sorry and he wants my forgiveness.

I finally said, Look H. You either WANT to be a different kind of person...the kind of person who wants his wife openly..or you don't.
Saying that you are sorry is fine, but it doesn't mean that anything will be different next time. The only way it will be different next time is if YOU want it to be different. So far, you are changing--if I get upset--because you don't want me to be upset. You look to me to me to be your guide on how you should act. If I'm happy, you keep doing what you're doing. If I'm upset, you mentally agree to change until I'm happy again.

This is about YOU, though. It's about whether you want to be the kind of guy who desires his wife. It's not, in the end, about whether I'm upset or not.

MrHP: I know you want me to be that kind of guy but I've never been that way. I keep all my feelings bottled up inside.
HP: That's not true. You tell me everything and talk all the time!
MrHP: Hmm, that's true. Ok, I keep my sexual feelings bottled up and don't let them out, ever.
HP: Well, that's a problem.
MrHP: I don't know what to tell you, except that's the way I am.

(side note: NOP talks about "scripts" for infidelity, well lemme tell ya, there's scripts for all sorts of situations..how many of us have heard that line?!)

HP: I know that's the way you are and I also know that I prefer a guy who knows how to let it out.

This morning he wrote a flowery note to me and, while I appreciate the doting sentiments, he still seems to miss the point. He seems to always throw this back to QT...he promises to spend more time with me, etc. That would be great, but that's not what I'm requesting at ALL.
This always blows my mind--I think, Is he doing this on purpose? I mean, how can a person deduce that I need more QT when I'm specifically asking for desire and sexual stuff? He even mentioned playing Scrabble last night and I thought, where in the world did that come from?

This morning he wrote more about the QT and I had to, again, gently steer the convo back to what I'm talking about. Ok, it wasn't that gentle but I don't know how else to get my point across. Believe me, folks, I'm using blunt language and exact requests. No euphemisms or cloaked language. I don't GET THIS!
So I end up looking like a hag because I keep steering the conversation back to the original topic and I get graphic-er and graphic-er as he gets more and more off topic. I hate this cause it makes me look like a psycho. I just asked him if he is back to avoiding cause that's what it seems like to me...trying to throw me off topic or something? You'd think this was high level espionage or something but it's just a plain ol husband and wife trying to talk and negotiate their way through a problem.

Really, what this comes down to is that I need to lose my expectations of him.

I still have this idea that if I do the things that other wives do, that I should get a reaction. I used to think that I should get a similar reaction but I have ditched that thought. Now I'm just looking for A reaction. I am admitting this because I think it is an area that I have long needed to work on. It's not really fair to do anything with the idea in mind that your partner should be reacting a certain way.
As ATLDave said, I need to do more "I desire you tonight" and less "you are improving but I still need more xyz".

The problem with this...and one that I am not finding any resolution on...is that it doesn't address the feeling of being pursued that is important to me (and probably to all females). I am discovering that I can't MAKE my husband pursue me. Such a simple and duh! concept but that hasn't stopped me from attempting it.

So.......that's the update from the hive.

Cheers,
H.