Accidentally posted same message twice there - sorry.
It's helping me to get these thougths out so forgive me for blathering on...didn't do any work today but enjoyed the pretty sunshine and I think I can make it up over the next few days. H spent the day on campus having a wonderful time talking to professors, students, etc. Didn't call me once. But bought batteries for a new phone set we bought a couple of weeks ago...when I commented on one of the features it had, he said "That's why I bought it." WHY, if you're not going to live here anymore?????? Then we're having a pleasant time playing with settng up the phone and his cell phone rings and I pick it up to take to him on the other room and see that it's OW calling - really messed me up, since I've been so good about not checking his cell phone history - I'd even allowed myself to think of the possibility that maybe they weren't in contact.
A friend of ours called and asked how I was doing and when we could get together. She hasn't called in a while, but I know that her H and mine are good friends and I just wonder if H told him/them something about his plans and so she, assuming I knew, was calling to check on me and make sure I was okay. He just left again to go have dinner with some of his colleagues at the university, asked me what I was going to do. I just said I didn't know - hadn't thought to have something ready yet.
Just remembered that last night when he called after being gone all day and I asked him where he was headed he said, "To...the apartment." - so careful not to say "home" anymore. Why doesn't he have the balls to say what he's planning???? And I can't say ANYTHING, right???
I redecorated the living room a bit last night - it's where he's been sleeping and was just a mess. It was getting depressing to me. There were these shelves I bought literally 2 years ago at least that have just been sitting in boxes against the wall. A couple of weeks ago when he was talking about leaving he cried when he said that every time I would go out of town he would say to himself that he was going to put those shelves up and surprise me - and he never did. He said, "I'm sorry I never put up shelves for you, for us." That is representative of all that HE hasn't done to strengthen our marriage, even when I've asked. I wonder if he just feels too guilty to go on with me, that there's just too much water under the bridge, or his pride won't let him admit except under duress how much HE would need to humble himself to work on this M, and it's just easier to say goodbye.
Anyway, I took the shelves out of the house last night and put them in the trunk of my car to donate to Goodwill - seeing them sitting there was probably very unhealthy for us both for a long time.
Thank you, allmyfault, for giving me the example of journaling some of this stuff - it helps.
There is so much that I've only recently learned from him that he assumes about me and us, that he keeps inside and acts upon without verifying it. That's what's making "no R talks" SO very difficult.
I did something before I started DBing that may have done/is doing irreparable harm to us. When I found out about OW I took our wedding rings off - pulled his off his hand and took mine off. His is sitting with his cuff links, and I carry mine with me and wear it only at work because I'm not ready to talk about anything yet there. I can't help thinking that he's reading huge messages into my not wearing the ring, even though I've told him I don't want him to leave. Starting to wear it without saying anything seems so "too little, too late" now that it's clear that moving out is the only thing on his mind - but I can't SAY anything, right, because that would be initiating R talk - but doing it without saying anything is almost like encouraging him to do what has contributed to our problems - see something and "read" meaning into it. If anybody's out there and still reading this - what do you think?
