How do I detach from hope? It's not not the despair that's killing me, it's the hope (anybody else love the John Cleese movie "Clockwise"?). How do I stop having expectations? This weekend was such a painful roller coaster. I was VERY good with my GAL - I exercised, stayed out of the house, even did a minor redecoration of the living room. I was a supportive friend for his activities (actually, since he's a minister, I was really a pastor's wife with all the help I gave him with his new church services). I actually enjoyed all I did this weekend. I brought up no R or OW talk. I didn't check his cell phone (it's sitting on the shelf next to me right now while he's asleep and I know if will be ringing soon with calls from OW). He called me during the day a couple of times. We discussed his vision for his work. He didn't talk about moving out, although his moving date has passed and no packing in sight.

And yet - overlay all that with the fact that this weekend was prospective student weekend at the university where he'll be starting his Ph.D. in the fall and he spent most of his time there (I guess) and came home today saying part of the day was a tour of student housing which was "good" (I backslid - I said, "That was good?" - he said, "Yeah, for those young kids - it' mostly singles housing."). Overlay that with the good time we were having Friday night laughing about the scary little kid down the street, joking about how we give him a wide berth and H says, laughing, "Every time I see him, I think to myself, just give me couple of months little buddy and I'll be out of here and you won't need to bother me." - stopped my guffawing cold - but I was proud, I didn't abruptly stop or anything - I don't think he even realized that he pierced my heart at all. Overlay that with the fact that this Sunday he mentions my name while acknowledging all the folks who have helped him get started over the past few weeks (forget that he didn't even introduce me or thank me at all last week after I stayed up all night helping him get things together and have had endless discussions with him about this dream - oh, that's right - OW was there and we wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, I guess - never mind how devastating it was to me to watch him conducting service wearing the clothes he wore to our beach wedding because he needed to wear something off-white - how could he DO THAT???) - I'm the third person he thanks, saying "Thanks to Jane Doe for all her help putting the program together" - not "my wife" but "Jane Doe" and since we don't have the same last name, I guess that makes it safe that some folks won't even assume we're married.

Somebody help me go on. Everybody says just hold out, do nothing except GAL and act AS IF, don't bring up R or OW talks. Well, we haven't talked about anything, including his moving out schedule, and in the meantime I can only assume he's going to take advantage of the free rent on me until he moves into graduate housing in the fall, tho he hasn't had the balls to actually say that to me. In the meantime, he's blatantly keeping his options open with OW (if he's being truthful about the cuurent nature of their relationship - the last time we did talk about her last week, when I saw her name on the list of people he expected at Easter service: "I know she's still in love with me, and I'm still considering a relationship with her. If you're asking if we're still intimate, no. If you're asking if I've thrown her on the trach heap of my life, no.") while still living with me.

I kept so busy this weekend that I didn't have any gut-wrenching crying spells, and the last time I went the weekend without crying I was totally non-functional at work come Monday, so I'm thinking I may work from home tomorrow just so I can get some crying in. He's here right now and may hear if I go in the bedroom and cry, so maybe I'll go drive somewhere and cry...but since I know he won't be around tomorrow, maybe I can hold out until then.

I feel so used. Maybe it would help me to think that my marriage is over - it's just over, and I have a roommate that I run into sometimes. But - a huge complaint of his was that I never talked to him enough, that I wasn't passionate enough - so what would look like a 180 to some is more of the same for me, so wouldn't get his attention at all. Maybe I just need to accept that it's already too late and DB doesn't work for people who end up at this place because their mates didn't feel pursued ENOUGH. He's actually said that my reaction to the BOMB and his plans to leave surprised him - I think he thought I would just say, "okay, bye then." And yes, it looks like a good sign that he's still here - but I think it's only because he's either waiting for his student housing or just passively insisting on the original schedule he'd laid out for himself in his private plans, which was to tell me he was leaving in May (but I forced the conversation in November).

Do you think a telephone consultation would help? I'm seeing a therapist and even though she's appalled at how I'm being treated even she says wait, do nothing to force his hand - that I'll know the point at which I can't take anymore, that I should trust myself to know that. To which I say I can't trust someone who wants to beg H to stay and build a family one minute and then fantasizes about never seeing or speaking to him again for the rest of her life the next minute.

Thank you for sticking with this, whoever accidentally stumbled into here. I'm so sorry for the rambling, but I am so broken and confused and hurting right now.