I've been a long time lurker in this forum and am truly astounded by the wisdom and insight of so many members. Now that I'm done with the flattery, I could really make use of some of this wisdom. I'll keep this as brief as I can and will provide any additional details as needed.

I'm 31, W is 29. Married for 9.5 years. 2 children, ages 9 and 5. Important fact: we married after dating for about 5 months due to pregnancy. W was unable to finish college as a result.

We have had sex related problems for the length of our marriage (frequency is maybe once every 3 weeks). W is LD and never really seems to take any great enjoyment in sex (at least with me). I can provide more details regarding our sexual dysfunction if necessary.

W has had problems with fidelity in our marriage. There have been 2 known drunken one-night stands (one of which occurred in January of this year) and at least a 1/2 dozen episodes of kissing/sexual contact without complete intercourse. After the first one night-stand 2 years ago, we both made a concerted effort to work on our marriage. I found out 4 days ago about the January encounter which occurred while W was on vacation in Europe with a friend. After this most recent discovery, I told W that I would like a divorce. She expressed the usual sentiments of remorse, regret, etc. Now that my emotions have calmed, I am considering whether I should "take her back" again. She has been in therapy since her return from Europe and thinks that she is making progress in determining why she behaves the way she does.

This is what she told me:

1) Because the sexual dynamic in our relationship has never been stellar, she has acted on drunken impulses to see whether the sex could be better with someone else. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) because the sex encounters occurred while drunk, she doesn't really remember them well enough to know if they were better than sex with me.
2) Because of our early marriage and her dependence on me (she is a stay-at-home mom) she longs for independence. She doesn't wish to abandon the children (we would opt for joint custody), but would like to get a job and support herself. I've encouraged her for a long time to either go back to school or get a job that makes better use of her talents (she presently works as a waitress one night a week). She has told me she doesn't feel good about herself which is one reason she has acted the way she has.

I am really at a loss as to what I should do. After reading so many other threads about LD spouses, I wonder if our sex problem can be remedied. How does one create the passion that so many LD spouses seem to lack? My W tells me that she finds me physically attractive but does not have the passion that she thinks she ought to have for me. Considering the infidelity, perhaps it's time for divorce, but my concern for my children makes me think that I shouldn't give up yet.

It just occurred to me that my situation would probably fit well into the infidelity forum, so please let me know if I should move it there instead.

Last edited by joeconrad; 04/02/05 08:29 PM.