I'm new to this section of the forum so here's my sitch in a nutshell.
My W is 25 and I am 26. We have been married for almost 2 years and together for 6. She had an EA/PA that ended 3 months ago and we had been seperated for almost 4 months with her movnig back in about a month ago. Things have been going pretty well for us since she moved back in. The lack of sex and physical intimacy was a problem before the affair and remains one now.
We have discussed this at length and she has told me that I am absolutely not the problem and that she finds me attractive, blah blah blah but she just has no sexual appetite. Like i said she didn't before the affair but now in the aftermath this makes me a little unhappy. I am obviously HD and she is LD. She never thinks about sex, never wants to have sex, never fantasizes about sex and isn't very experimental either. basically we are on opposite ends of the spectrum and I am not sure what to do. I know that I will not be happy in the long term in a low sex marriage and am not sure what to do. I am hoping that our marital counseling will help somewhat but I am doubtful.
Any suggestions would be helpful?
Oh and as far as low sex I mean maybe a couple of times a month and since the affair ended 3 times since January. it's more than a little frustrating.
mdmiller wrote: "She never thinks about sex, ..., never fantasizes about sex"
Did she give you a brain monitor? How do you know she never thinks or fantasizes about sex? She must, or she wouldn't have had the EA/PA. There is more to it than LD to be sure.
I know about the frustration...twice since Oct., but I WAS the LD.
You stated that she has always had a low SD is that correct? If that's the case then do you think she would be willing to see her Dr? There could be something medically wrong with her that can be corrected.
Then again she may simply be one of those women who just truly does have a very low SD.
I think we may need some more background on her however before anyone can truly give you some help here. What's her background like? Family? Past romantic R's? Any history of abuse/trauma?
If you can answer these things it will really help.
I hate to generalize this, but I'm going to do something I rarely do...and that is to generalize here. Most women, when an affair starts aren't looking for the physical aspect. There are other needs, often emotional, that aren't being met that somehow the OM does meet. Often affairs that women get involved in don't become physical for quite some time.
I just wanted to point out that she may not necessarily be thinking sexually...when it comes to the OM. She could be, but it's not necessarily the case.
Greeneyeglass is right about the EA/PA. It was not about sex and when most women have affairs it isn't about sex at all but about emotional needs that aren't being fulfilled. That was my fault for neglecting certain things and I have paid dearly for it. As far as other things in her past, her family life is really, really good. Her family is very close, parents are still married and very loving, an extraordinary low rate of divorce in her extended family, no abuse and nothing traumatic in her past except for when she was a little kid she had a real strange condition involving her intestines where she had a grapefruit size growth on them (non cancerous) that I doubt would have an affect on her today.
As far as a monitor, I don't need it because she has told me that she doesn't really think about it or fantasize about it. She said that she could go a couple of months without thinking about it. I don't know if there is a medical condition or not. Yes she has always been LD, except when we first started dating but then it is completely normal for someone that is LD to be temporarily HD. Before she and I dated she had only 2 sexual partners because she has never been all that into sex. I hope that little bit of more info is helpful for you.
BTW, I have really strived to put all of her needs before mine since we started dating again 3 months ago. I started doing all of the things that I used to do (which i will continue to do) and it hasn't really helped us in that department. It has made other parts of our life more enjoyable but not in the sex dept.
mdmiller & GEL, sorry if I seemed like I grump. I am sure that is why my W sought EA as well. I was curious about the head monitor thing though, because NOPkins has made it clear that feelings and sayings are quite different during and after EA/PA.
If she was always LD, Gel is right about the need for more details. I am obviously in no shape to give advice. I now know that my LD is multifaceted, and it is a puzzle still missing a few pieces.
Thanks for answering the questions, I appreciate that.
There's one definite thing I want to point out though k?
Quote: That was my fault for neglecting certain things and I have paid dearly for it.
Her having an EA was NOT your fault, it was her choice and it was a BAD choice. Yes, you may have neglected her needs...but you did not make her choose an affair. Do not accept the blame for that. I understand where you are coming from when you say it was your fault...but I will say once again...IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, IT WAS HER CHOICE...and leave it at that.
Also, since you mentioned she has only had 3 sexual partners (including yourself) that leads me to believe she has very limited experience sexually speaking. Please do not take offense to this, this is an honest question I need you to think about....has she ever really had an "O" w/you?
You are both really pretty young still...and just to let you know...I used to be LD myself. I didn't discover my own sexuality until I was just a bit older than the two of you are now (around 29-30). I had limited experience and had never had an "O"...and I had been married twice by then.
It is definitely possible because she's had limited experience that she's not discovered her own sexuality yet. So how does one go about that? Well it's different for everyone. But I can try to respond more to that later.
Uhm yeah, she has an orgasm almost everytime we have sex. Pretty much the only time she doesn't is when she has been drinking. I know, I know, you might think that she is faking but she's got this spot that I can feel until she has an "O" and once she does the spot goes away so I know 100% for she when she has an "O". Also let me clear up one misnomer about sexual partners for her, there were 2 before me and the OG so including me she has had 4 partners.
No she gets into while we are ML. She (not to be too graphic) gets pretty loud and really into it.
Her affair was both EA and PA. It started as an EA that led to a PA. She was, self admittedly, stupid.
She has repeatedly said that she enjoys it while we are ML but when we are not she doesn't think about it or want it. It's really tough to get her going in that direction. I have tried just about everything I can think of to no avail. She believes that our low sex marriage is normal because when she talks to her friends that are in long term relationships they all feel the same way she does and they have a lack of wont to do ML as well. I can see her point that it might be kind of normal but it certainly isn't a good normal (in my opinion). TO be honest I don't think that I am asking for much, considering that we are young and don't have kids to take care of. more than once every couple of weeks or more than once a week isn't that much to ask of.
