Didn't watch the DVD this weekend, but we did connect sexually and had some interesting convos. H told me that he feels more frisky when he feels I am being friendly and non-critical...that he needs to feel that kind of feeling from me in order to feel sexual. I know I am working on being less angry and more chipper, but I have to balance this with being true to myself and not some Barbie Doll for him. I pointed out to H that he provokes me in a way to bring out the negativity, and to his credit he said he realized this and that it was all part of the puzzle.
In another convo, I mentioned my concern that our sex life would revert back to nothingness if I start having issues with my sex drive again, and he replied that he felt the thing he needed to do was concentrate on his sex drive and that would help us along. I like this answer becasue it showed a level of differentiation and H not just relying on my moods.
One area that bothers me is that I can't capitalize on my own randiness when it hits me...I mean, I can be aggressive and have him 'take care of me" but this won't lead to him feeling up for IC, and this makes me feel unattractive/rejected, although I know somewhere that it's his issue. I have to get back into that space of feeling my own sexual confidence and having patience for where he's at. The schedule really helps me because it's a way of my having some control in the initiations.
I have been more responsible to myself during the scheduled encounters, making sure I feel satisfied, instead of playing the martyr ( which I did yrs ago). Again, to my H's credit, he is coming forward to ask me how I am feeling and showing more interest/concern, which is nice.
