Still working hard at all of this. H and I will try to watch more of the DVD tonite or tomorrow nite.
I am paying closer attention to this dynamic where H provokes abandonment fears in me and then I get all angry and he acts like he did nothing wrong. Slowly we are working our way out of this...H is more aware of how he stirs me up, and I am ditching the anger and we are feeling closer.
Last nite was a bit tricky...H went out with a friend, but it was also a ML schedule nite, so I asked him if he wanted to let it go, and he said no. He came home later than expected, but made sure to call me and let me know. So something is getting through.
Since it was late, I asked again if he wanted to rescehdule, but he said "absolutely not" and got started on things. I felt tense and it took me a long time to loosen up...H was also struggling just a bit...there were a bunch of starts and stops til we got into a good groove and both " got there." I am writing all this down to show that although I would like the fantasy of the two of us really connecting and being blown away by each other, the reality is that because of our history and such, it does take work and patience on both our parts. We have so much baggage...my insecurities that he isn't turned on by me, his resentment over my rejection of him in the past, performance issues, pressure, overcoming shyness/awkwardness etc...it's all there.
One nice thing was that since it took me a long while to heat up, I thought he would make some comment about the time...instead, he said he had a lot of fun. This morning he was very affectionate and mentioned he wants to give me a message tonite( non-sexual) with one of the bath products he got me for Mother's Day. Also, I asked him his thoughts about the schedule, if it added too much pressure, and he said no, that he thought it's a good idea.
So we're trying to get through all the muck...patience, patience, patience.
