It took me a LONG time to learn not to pursue. In the end, it got to the point where I realised that he would only upset me or not give me the response I wanted so I decided then and there not to contact him unless it was essential to do so (i.e, work or kids) - and my work I can do on my own aside from the web and asking him to forward my emails etc.
These days I don't even ask him that - he usually forwards them without being asked, although sometimes a bit late.
Ocassionally he will apologise for not sending them earlier, and I've had a kiss on the email 3 times now. Other times he doesn't put a kiss.
I often wonder why I get a kiss on some days and not others. Blokes are a total mystery
Lessons learned? Okay..
1. If you're always there and always in touch, you are not interesting and your partner can take you for granted and learn how NOT to respect you.
2. If you know your partner wants space etc and you and phoning up, you are going to get a negative response. I learnt not to call because I love myself too and didn't want to be upset for the rest of my day.
3. If there's something that needs saying, unless it is urgent it can be put off until you see them in person, that way you're not pursuing all the time.
4. Having less contact means when he says 'what have you been up to?' I've actually got new stuff to tell him - it keeps me exciting for him.
5. If he does something I find upsetting or treats me in a way I don't like, I can have a few days to myself to cool down and so can he. It allows clearer perspective on the sitch, which then doesn't seem as bad.
6. When he does something great I reward him with my company, time, love etc and on the times I distance myself, he knows it's because I'm not happy with a certain thing - so, if you like I am REWARDING GOOD BEHAVIOUR with love and TOTALLY IGNORING bad behaviour.
If I ignore the bad behaviour for long enough, he usually tries a different way of communicating. It's a bit like with a toddler - they will throw a hissy fit to get your attention but if you distract them or ignore them they usually stop.
Sometimes (like last week) he has come to me because he had time to think about the sitch and his role in it. He wouldn't have done that if I'd been on the phone, trying to state my case like flogging a dead horse.
Lastly, if it's not positive, don't say it. I sometimes fail at this, but I try my hardest with it.
If it's liable to hurt the other person or make them angry, there's no point.
It doesn't matter who is right or wrong.
What is more important, being 'right' or getting what you need? For me, I decided that I would rather not 'win' the arguments because 'winning' him and having my H and kids is more important. Sometimes I know I am right, but as long as I know for myself, I don't have to prove that. Harmony is more important than point scoring.
I've gone on a bit, but these are my feelings around how I manage my sitch.
