Thanks Gabriel,

He did apologise but not till months later. I can see why he feels like that, though. I had some bleeding problems with the pg and low HCG so we were going back and forth to the clinic for blood tests and scans. I saw the baby on the scan and then they said after another bleed, well, we could leave it and see what happens but it's pretty hopeless, or you can have a EPC (evacuation of products of conception)...I chose EPC (BIGGEST mistake of my life).

I should have left it up to God, I felt like a murderer and H told me I was one. He was furious.

I forgive him, he was hurting as much as me at the time.

I can accept not having anymore as we didn't plan more than 4 anyway, but the whole experience has just left me with this hole in my heart where my other child should be. He says I am mother of 4 as if that is supposed to comfort me, but I see myself as mother of 5. One is just with God instead of with me.

I feel guilty that I cried in front of my dd's now.

I have talked about womanhood a bit with my 9 yr old as when the contact re-started she was asking me about how I made Alicia and H couldn't handle telling her so I did. I told her about sex and periods and pregnancy.
She wouldn't be bought off with the stork idea anymore.

Her response was 'yuck, that's disgusting!' I told her that when she gets older she will change her mind.

She asked me if childbirth hurts so I told her not if you stand up when you do it (it didnt hurt when standing up for me).

I must say, the convo was weird because I hadn't seen her for 8 months and she brought it up and wanted to ask me, so I was quite pleased that she still wanted to talk to me).

Re the egg donation, they don't take all of them, just a few, and according to the website www.donateanegg.co.uk it doesn't affect my fertility.

I just thought since I am probably not having anymore, then it might be nice to help an infertile woman.

Do you think if you get back with your W, you would ever think of giving S5 his baby brother, 'not a baby sister'?

Jo.