I didn't mention the baby before as it was horrible so I just didn't want to write about it.
H and I reunited back then (in 2003) and I was living 2 days a week at his place, he was 2 days a week at my place, the rest of the week apart.
We were looking for a house. The pg was accidental, due to carelessness. We'd both been drinking on the evening of dd1's 7th birthday and we got a bit merry and just didn't bother. Of course, I caught immediately.
We were thrilled (even H, his response really surprised me, considering he didn't want anymore). The baby was due Boxing Day 03. Then I lost it, the grief was terrible, he got really angry and said he wanted a D.
3 months later, OW was on the scene.
Now H says he doesn't want anymore and wants a V. I told him when we got together, not to get a V and he accepted this. I said if he still wants a V in 5 years time, I will give him my blessing, and in the meantime, in this next 5 years we are using contraception religiously.
I am okay about it 99% of the time. It's just hearing about my sister's baby was awful. But to my H's defence, I don't think he realised how much loss I still feel over our child.
That's why I suddenly thought I can't do this, because I thought I can't live without my baby permanently, but I think it was just an upset reaction as I am calming down now.
He was still holding my hands and being nice, the poor man, I feel empathy for how awkward it must be for him. He wants dd's to see their grandmother and then there's my terrible R with her, he is caught in the middle really, which is why I wished he hadn't contacted her again.
It is straining our R when we've just got started.
