Hi James - thank you for your comments, you are right, I hate the idea of having to keep in touch with her.
Well, my update is not so good again and it is mainly me. I am having second thoughts as to what I want. I am so upset I feel like leaving him and he hasn't even really done anything wrong.
I just can't bear this pain and I'm sitting here in tears. Sometimes I think I'd be better off being single and childless.
My children and H came round and DD1 was dressed up to the nines in new clothes I'd not seen before. She boldly prnounced that Nanna (my mother) gave them to her, which got me wound up before we'd even started.
H came in and complimented me on my dress and then complimented me on the living room which I had changed round and built new shelving units etc so he asked me about those.
He asked for a coffee. He looked shattered. I made him the coffee and the girls asked to draw so I got the art set out for them.
H then told me that my sister is having a baby girl in 2 weeks time. I burst into tears and told him not to mention her or my mother
DD1 started trying to talk about it and I just told her to shutup. I was sitting there with tears streaming down my face. I said to H, why did you tell me that, I don't want to know.
(I wasn't going to tell anybody on here but the reason we split up the second time after the 7 months was because I lost a baby at 12 weeks pregnant - I have been grieving for this child ever since and still cannot bring myself to hold really tiny babies. The trauma at the time was so bad that in our sitch we couldn't handle it and he left with the pronuncement I had killed his baby).
Anyway, he said 'Okay, I won't mention it again' but then made this remark that we have had ours so it's my sisters turn now.
I thought this was really insensitive considering what I've been through and I just sat there in tears, thinking I can't be with this man. I can't do it, too much has happened to me.
Then DD1 says 'Mummy, why don't you ever come to our house?'
I said
'OMG, I'm not going there, no way, not ever.' (Ex-OW and bf are there, plus it was where my baby was created that I lost).
H huffed like he was upset or offended that I wouldn't go there so I attempted to soften the blow by saying 'EX-OW'S DS 14 yrs is sleeping on the sofa so there's no room to sit.'
H said he's not sleeping now, is he? It's day time.
I said well, you never know with a 14 year old lad, and tried to make a joke out of it. Then I wiped the tears out of my eyes and decided to make an effort to quit crying about my sister's DD and my stupid mother.
He held my hand and rubbed his fingers round the palm of my hand which I found comforting.
DD1 asked if I would go to DD3's ballet class so I said it's up to your father. He said I could if I contributed to the petrol as it costs him £10 return every time he comes to my house. I only had £5 in my bag so he said why don't you come on Monday in 2 weeks time as they have a parent's afternoon then where you can watch her dancing. So I said okay.
Then they left to go to the class and I am sat here in tears again. It wasn't him, it's me, I am not over it and right now my sex drive has plummeted through the floor.
I cannot imagine I will be able to get in the mood now as hearing about my sisters baby just brought back all these terrible memories.
I have too much baggage and I feel really ugly and horrible and not remotely feminine.
I thought I'd come to terms with it but then he told me that...I just don't know.
He was being nice and I was awful.
Somebody say something that helps. My DD4 is painting and I'm just sitting here at my desk, in tears. Lord only knows what she must think of me
