I'm just going to try and take my mind off it for a few days. I've got this newsletter to finish, email to the printers and send out to hundreds and hundreds of people (all envelope stuffing done by hand so it takes me 2 days just to do them all), and I've got all the work emails to answer and my book to work on (so close to the end it seems a shame not to get on with it, I have now introduced OW into the plotline).
I thought since we aren't going skating, we could go out later and see if there are any cheap videos at the store (they sell videos sometimes for �3) so I could get one for dd and one for me and then we've got something new to watch later.
I have to keep distracted and upbeat until Saturday, then I can act happy when he turns up.
Re your wedding photos - I would say she has some private sentiment about it because she has them up but only where she can get use out of them. There are definately some feelings or she wouldn't have them up, but to what level I don't know.
When I split up I destroyed half my wedding photos even though I love my H - I was so hurt and depressed I just ripped them up. He took the album off me and begged me not to because it was 'memory'.
He got all the ones which weren't destroyed and has them at his house. I still won't have any here because it hurts to look at them. He keeps them hidden away (we had two huge wall portraits of us on our wedding day and they are behind his sofa) but in the last few months since we started dating, he has been looking at them with DD1 because he told me one day he was showing her the pictures and she said
'Dad, you look really different then, like you were young, but mum, she still looks young the same as then!'
Then he winked at me and told me I look like a 12 year old, and that was how I found out he'd progressed to looking at the pictures.
If your W is quite a hard type of person I would say it doesn't mean much. If she isn't, then that's definite sentiment.
Don't mention it when you see her, though, as that would put her off.
As most of you know, I have been feeling a bit down lately so I meditated on it and prayed and asked for some help as I am fed up of being lonely and fed up, and p*ssed of at more than 1 of my friends for letting me down.
This morning I did half the newsletter for work (will finish it after dd4 goes to bed) and some housework.
Then we went out into town in search of those cheap videos I told you about. Just my luck, there are none today. They don't always have them in stock and when they do, you have to get them quick because they're so cheap everybody wants one.
I was stood there thinking that is murphy's law that they haven't got any and why is my life like this etc? Then this woman I used to know from ages ago came up to me and told me she loved my jacket (hand knitted, fair trade from India) and asked how me and dd4 were and what happened at court. She was at these religious meetings I used to go to but then I stopped going after I lost custody because I was so angry at God I didn't want to know. Anyhow, after a while I hadn't been for so long that I felt embarrassed to turn up again. She was at DD4's child blessing and I felt guilty that I just cut everyone off.
We stood talking about my H and the sitch and she told me she thought I was a really strong woman to go through that and still be standing and that she sees me and dd4 walking past her house regularly and thinks I am amazing to be looking after the 2 of us alone the way I do.
I laughed off her compliments, I felt a bit self-conscious. Then she started praying for me in the middle of the supermarket and I thought I bet people think we are completely crazy, praying in the canned food aisle amongst the Branston pickle!
After that she confided in me that she is also extremely lonely - she comes from France and her English isn't very good and she lacks confidence so she doesn't know many people, and she invited me and dd4 over for dinner tomorrow night!
I don't often get invited out to dinner on the spot! My prayer about being fed up of my life obviously worked. As I said before, God only takes about 2 days to process applications
It's only a small thing but it helps to keep me in a good mood and hopefully I will be better when H visits on Saturday.
I've also got the phone number for a nursery school and I've decided to take the plunge and book her into that, rather than waiting around till H agrees for me to go to the home ed meetings!
Quote: and she invited me and dd4 over for dinner tomorrow night!
Good Jo. It's part of getting a life. You know if you were in my neighborhood (7 time zones away so fat chance that would ever happen) you would be invited to dinner too. I suspect almost everyone here on the BB would feel the same way as I do.
Quote: I've also got the phone number for a nursery school and I've decided to take the plunge and book her into that
I hear a lady in charge of her life here!
Quote: hopefully I will be better when H visits on Saturday.
I may well be in your neighourhood at some point in the future as I've been to America before and intend to again. I have friends in Orlando and Ohio whom I forged friendships with through my work.
You should travel, Lou, instead of reading travel books, realise your dream and actually go there! You've still got 20 or 30 years to roam the planet and if you live as long as that French woman (oldest in the world at 123) then you're only middle-aged
If one day you do decide to venture out, you and 'BB' would be invited here (but you'd have to eat take out off your laps as I don't have space for a table ) or even better, when I finally get Andy Pandy to re-marry me I can invite you both to my 4 bedroom flat by the sea that I have been fantasizing about
Quote: but you'd have to eat take out off your laps
Jo, when I was a kid "take-out" food consisted of going to the store, buying a loaf of bread, a pound of sliced cheese, no mayo, mustard, lettuce, just plain, and eating that in the car parked along side the road/motorway. Sometimes we had milk to drink. sometimes soda. Sometimes nothing.
Todays "take-out" or "fast food" as it is referred to in the US is about 10 times better tasting than my 50" experiences. I still like cheese sandwiches but almost always put something with the cheese or toast the sandwich in a frying pan.
Quote: when I finally get Andy Pandy to re-marry me I can invite you both to my 4 bedroom flat by the sea that I have been fantasizing about.
Jo, getting Andy-Pandy to marry you would make me happier than going to merry old England IRL. I do apperciate the thoughts/offer.
Do you think he would be moved toware marriage faster if he thought you had a sugar-dady like me chasing you, or another guy your age on the string? Not in real life of course, but only acting like one. I would not do it myself as I think something like can backfire. I only want you two guys to fix things between you two so you have your whole family living in the same house/flat.
Quote: that French woman (oldest in the world at 123) then you're only middle-aged
Amazing Jo. No, 123 for my genes. Family history averages suggest 80 for me. I have been around a couple of people (90 to 102) that were active and mostly happy.
I used to tell the boys in the group home to take care of them selves and not get drunk and do other poor helth things so often. I said life is good for at 80 when you have your health. The boys looked like I was crazy and said they assumed they would all be dead by the time they were 55.
Quote: You should travel, Lou, instead of reading travel books,
I looked at a 24 foot travel/camping trailer about 2 weeks ago. I have pictures of Arches National Monument one Arches web page. Looking at some other equipment and destination too.
Oh no, Andy Pandy would go CRAZY if he thought I had another man, and he'd be so angry it'd wreck the DB'ing if he even thought that.
I did actually sleep with a 46 year old once, when I was 26 and even though he was living with OW and having an ocassional SL with her (once a month, she later told me), he displayed all the classic reactions:
Betrayal - 'How could you do this to me?' (when he was living with OW, go figure!).
Anger at his lack of control: 'This isn't you, you don't do one night stands' and 'I'm NEVER getting back with you EVER again!'
Sexual Insecurity: 'I can't sleep with you now, you've had another man, I can't even go there' (said when he had OW!).
He would alternate between extreme hostility and nastiest to being 'civil' but with sad looking eyes and the warning 'don't talk to me about your life' because he didn't want to know about any bf's!
It would be over forever if I even PRETENDED to have another guy, although given his 'I don't know if I can be faithful' remark, I have been wondering whether to tell him I won't be either, until we work this out.
My gut instinct is to ignore the remark, but just tell him less about my life when he asks, not to let him sleep with me every time he wants and I have taken off my necklace to test if that approach works.
It was his - one of those chunky gold chain ones for men and he wore it every day for 8 years, then took it off when we split up. I got rid of my rings straight away, but took his necklace and I have worn it all the time for the last 3 years. I don't even take it off when I'm in the shower. Well, I took it off yesterday. Still love him the same, but I thought that might jolt him a little if he notices me without it.
If it backfires, I shall put it back on, but it's worth a try, so he knows he doesn't own me
As for re-marriage, it wouldn't be re-marriage in the legal sense as he would never do that anymore, not with me or anyone else. It would be a commitment ceremony but that to me would be my 'marriage' and I'd still have a ring.
That's a long way off in the future, but I still focus on it as one of my long-term goals.
Ellie /kml had some suggestions on how to be coy/mysterious to give the impression to her H that other people (female and male "friends") would like her dispite what her H thought of her at the time.
About your H saying he does not know if he can be faithful, you might say you can wait for for a while and that he is your first and best choice, but asking him if he is suggesting you find someone, using your curious, questioning voice. This should not look or sound like a " do this by X or I will move on" thing.
Imply you only want one guy in the end and will work for a good R, but you don't wait more than X years for someone to make up their mind. Only do this if you think the R is solid enough.
I think my H would perceive a convo like that as rejection of his efforts at the R (E.G, coming over when I've asked him, buying me a present, fixing my computer, buying me take-out, the chats etc which although small things are efforts for him).
I think also that actions speak louder than words and if I do decide enough is enough I would just cut him off without forewarning.
I have also told him after the first time we slept together (Dec 04) that I would call it off if he moved house without me and he wouldn't be able to have casual sex with me.
He is intending on moving at some point late this year, early next year and that will be the crunch point. Sleeping with me was never unconditional as it's my body/my life etc. He accepted this at the time and said he wanted to work on the R.
If he doesn't move out in the next year and still carries on without much improvement in the R, I will apply for a bigger house and say to him that this is for all of us. If he chooses not to come, they'll be no more messing about. Everything will then be on a 'civil only' basis.
I am confident, though, that I will be going with him. Despite the latest installment, I think we have made massive progress considering where we were last November and esp. considering where we were last April. It was only a year ago that I was in court with him, with barristers etc. Now we have been dating 4 months which is an amazing step.
I am just going to be less available/less interested for a while and see if that does the trick.
Jo. You sound like you can take care of yourself and have a good plan in place. I just would like to help you with the PMA stuff. I think the lady in the grocery store might help you a little, or at least I hope it helps.
that would ever happen) you would be invited to dinner too. I suspect almost everyone here on the BB would feel the same way as I do.