Jo, you are doing a good job of DBing, a better job than me but please listen from a forner controller. Read page 269. From what I read he's a controller and you're a pleaser. It's not you it's your ex H. Don't be sad. you deserve better. You're doing great its your H that needs discipline so read the book.
I've not read the book, don't have a book. I learnt DB'ing not from here but from Ash, my life-coach. He taught me what I know so I never read any books.
I didn't come on this site till February, even though I've been separated 3 yrs.
I am aware he is more controlling now than he ever was in the M. I think he will get better once we have a proper R, as our choices were always joint when we were married. He has just taking to running everything since.
My feeling is, he may be more equal once we have told everybody and eventually move in, if that happens. Judging by the past, I'd say he'd leave more decisions to me when he's clear our R is permanent.
Quote: Not a good day. I loused up DB'ing, and now I'll be stuck in tomorrow.
Jo, you see it as fouling up, I see at it as you working and bumping in to the ceiling (old comfortable limits you or your H has) and want to raise the ceiling (ceiling is not high enough now) you want more from and give more to the relationship.
Jo, I see why you might feel you fouled up but I don't see any really bad foul ups. Both of you guys were dealing with internal emotional stuff. Talking like this and not blowing up (row type of ending) is a sign of progress. Do you think everything has to end perfectly? Not in the real world unless one of you assumes the doormat role or wants things to go on the way they did last month.
Quote: why did she pick a cripple for a mother?? Other mothers could have just taken her skating without needing another person there
More irrational talk Jo. Kids grow up and are well adjusted with parents who have fewer skills and assetts than you have. I understand you wanting to be able to do more but you have to work with what you have. Kids wont die if they can't go skating with you. Some day, maybe someone else will take her skating. Use what you have to offer. You can't give what you don't have.
You are doing well. Most likely problem is you have been at it (DBing) a long time and have progressed but your H is not there where you are yet.
If I stop accomdoating this guy I've lost my H, my R with the kids will probably be obiterated (I'm not going through all that fighting over them again) - he is get even more critical if he's not in an R with me and apart from anything else, which I think you are missing, I LOVE THIS GUY.
Always have, always will, and I sure as hell aren't going to waste all that time from 16 years old, 1 year of life-threatening depression, 2 years of DB'ing and FINALLY, I am dating him.
I'm not throwing it away now when I've waited years to even get to this point.
What about all the times early in our R when I controlled him instead of the other way around? He put up with it for years, he stuck by me through all my medical problems. They told me they thought I had cirvical (sp?) cancer once and he was with me through the testing and all the procedures they put me through to find out what it was (it wasn't cancer, thank God) - so now for the first time in years he has his own problems and I'm not going to walk off and leave him to it when he helped me with mine.
I'll only walk off if he tells me to walk off or if he moves away without me. Otherwise, I am staying and working on this R. I am lucky I've got one at all in my circumstances. Most divorced people haven't.
I didn't mean the comment about me being a cripple. I am having a bad few days.
I wanted to take my dd ice skating as I noticed that she can roller skate perfectly without falling over once and this struck me as exceptional balance skills for a 2 year old so I got the idea of her having ice dancing classes as I want to support and enhance her natural skills.
They have a toddler group at the ice stadium where they teach them from 18 months old up. There is a teacher but they're not allowed on without a carer until 4 years old and my dd is only 2 yrs, 9 months.
I told them I couldn't skate so they said bring someone who can. My friend had to cancel.
I really want to do this for her as I know she'd make a great ice dancer and might even get into it for a career if I push her in that direction a little. She never gets out of the roller skates when we go to her friend's house.
I think I will try to find another friend to go with me (there's 1 more person I could ask) or maybe just have to wait until she is 4 and then I won't have to go on too.
Jo wrote
------------
I know she'd make a great ice dancer and might even get into it for a career if I push her in that direction a little.
--------------
I have seen a lot of kids in several types of classes. At first they struggle or are in the learning mode. then they get better. Some think professional. Many go to college and the professional thoughts they had per college go out the window.
The Kids graduate from college and now what was a professional intended dream is now a ocassional hobby. Anyway that is the way I have observed things from when mt Daughter was 14 and now is 34.
D and I were in college about the same time. Even had a couple of classes together.
---------
or maybe just have to wait until she is 4 and then I won't have to go on too.
-----------
Waiting a little is OK. Main point is not to let this eat on your mind. Take it slow.
Admittedly, most people don't become professional, but I think if it's what she wanted to do when she's older, she should follow her dream.
I decided when I was 7 I would be an author and I am. My first article was in print when I was 13, and I carried on writing magazine articles all the way through my teens. First TV appearance at age 19 (also done all the way through to mid-twenties), first book on sale at age 21, second book on sale at age 27 (quite proud of the new one as I did that completely alone), third book almost done.
I decided at 14, I wanted my own business, so I founded that at 19 years of age.
I decided at 14 what my dd's name would be if I had one so when I got with H, I told him 'if we ever have a dd, her name is...and you don't have a choice' - lol. We did call her the name I picked 4 years before she was concieved.
I achieved everything I wanted in my dreams, apart from this D.
My point being if you want something badly enough you can get it, even if you struggle trying. I think that's why I am putting such a lot of effort into this R for a prolonged period of time. Failure is not something I am used to or which to put up with. It is my dream to reunite my family, so I guess I'll have to toughen up.
Anyway, If DD4 wanted to do ice dancing I would send her to a dance school rather than a college, so she could concentrate on it. But I am assuming as she might hate it and want to be a boxer - I just thought she would as she loves roller skating which is similar.
Quote: They told me they thought I had cervical cancer once and he was with me through the testing and all the procedures they put me through to find out what it was (it wasn't cancer, thank God) - so now for the first time in years he has his own problems and I'm not going to walk off and leave him to it when he helped me with mine.
This was a beautiful statement, and an opinion I share with you. Even though the WAS is not appreciative of it at the time, it is a side of fidelity to be true to the R during the WAS' bad times, not just one's own. I appreciated this from you.
Quote: I achieved everything I wanted in my dreams, apart from this D.
That is what I am trying to learn from you and appreciate the most about you. Your positivity and determination. You really shine a light for me.
Something that I haven't shared on the BB, but I've noticed since the beginning of the S, is that my W still has our wedding picture, and other photos that I am in, hanging/placed in an armoire in the bedroom. The doors are always closed, but I know that she has been in there because the photos were rearranged at one point, so she hasn't forgot about them. However, other photos that were in other parts of the house have been taken down.
I am summoning Jo the Great, DB Oracle, to look into space and time and help answer a question.
What do you make of that? The wedding picture still hanging as if in a shrine. Yet, other photos w/ me taken down. Does this go along w/ your previous assessment of W still having feelings/loving me?
Kids grow up and are well adjusted with parents who have fewer skills and assetts than you have. I understand you wanting to be able to do more but you have to work with what you have. Kids wont die if they can't go skating with you. Some day, maybe someone else will take her skating. Use what you have to offer. You can't give what you don't have.