Kids came round, that went okay, except I had to tell the 2 oldest ones to get off the roof as they'd climbed up the fence and jumped from the top of the fence onto the roof of my house and were walking around up there.
DD2 has had two broken arms before including an operation to pin the bones together which has left her with a scar on her arm, so I am not crash hot on her breaking it again.
We did that art I told you about from the art set I bought and I made them popcorn. The popcorn machine was really over-zealous and popped out the corn so hard it started going all the way across the kitchen and even went in my clean washing. The kids were squealing with laughter and I had to stand in front of them so they didn't get hit by any flying popcorn, which was hot.
Then I melted some butter, golden syrup and caster sugar and mixed the popcorn into that with the help of DD1 - hey presto, home done butterscotch popcorn, and loads more than you'd get in a shop.
They all lined up with their bowls (a bit like Oliver in Oliver Twist, lol) and I filled them, then they ate them in the front room.
DD3 drew all over the outside of my house but I didn't care. It looks okay, let the council complain. She drew a hopskotch pattern on the floor and then started skipping.
I played computer games with them.
Then their dad turned up and it was okay to start with. He looked quite smart in a black shirt, shirts aren't him normally, he's more of a baggy jumper and jeans kind of man.
I made him a coffee - he talked about this meditation technique he's learning and then he asked me what I am doing about dd4's education. I said I am sending her to nursery school because she's on her own here with me and I work a lot, writing and stuff and she sometimes gets bored so I think she would love nursery school.
He said she's too young, she's only 2. I said it doesn't start till September and she'll be 3 then. He said don't send her full time. I said I wanted to send her 3 times a week to the nursery school and twice a week to the Steiner toddler group we go to already.
He said isn't 5 sessions rather a lot at that age? I said well, 2 of them are only toddler group and that isn't stressful, plus I stay with her at those ones, so it's only 3 times a week really and it's what I did with dd3 when she was that age and she was fine.
I told him if she didn't like it I would take her out. He said what about school? I said I don't know but if everything goes okay with us then he would be home eding her anyway as it's not fair to send one and not the others.
He made this noise - can't describe it on here - but he always makes this particular sound when you have said something he finds pleasing and he made that sound so I figured that remark had his approval.
Then we talked about our sitch and I wish we hadn't actually because it's against DB'ing and I know why. I told him it was really difficult for me to see him and then wait 5 days to see him again, never have any say with the kids etc and make plan to go out and then not go.
He said he did try to accomodate me. I validated that an said he has been brillient and I loved Shrek 2 and the way he has been treating me like a lady etc and I appreciate all the effort that he's put in to us. But I said I got scared when he then walks off and I don't hear from him for days, it makes me wonder what I have done wrong. He said it is the same for me, this is my heart on the line also. What if you leave me?
The 'What if you leave me line' made me cry in front of him and I've never done that since DBing - Damn! I said he knows me better than that and apologised for crying, saying 'I know you hate emotion' He said 'Not always.' He said he was scared in case I stopped him from doing the things he does in his current life, that if I went with him and the kids on one day, I would expect to all the time. I assured him I wouldn't and told him I prefer him doing family visits alone as he gets on better with them than me, but it would just be nice to go to the home ed meetings ocassionally so I can be more involved with dd's. He said he understood that.
Then he said 'I'm not sure I can be faithful to any woman, after what we have been through.'
I looked the other way and said nothing.
Then he took my hand and squeezed it and said he wasn't rejecting me, it wasn't me, it was him and his issues he has to work through, and that we have only been having an R since December and that isn't long.
I said I'm counting 3 years, not since December. I said 'what do you want me to?' (rather exhausted from 2 yrs of DB'ing).
He said 'Wait for me'. Flippin' wait for him! God, the man asks a lot.
Then he said see you Saturday and they went. On the way out the door, he hugged me because I looked awful. DD4 burst into tears and DD3 hid in the garden because she didn't want to leave and then burst into tears also.
Now my friend has cancelled so I can't take DD4 ice skating tomorrow (I needed an able-bodied person) so I am upset about that too.
I feel like the crappest wife and mother on the planet. I mean honestly, why did she pick a cripple for a mother?? Other mothers could have just taken her skating without needing another person there
Not a good day. I loused up DB'ing, and now I'll be stuck in tomorrow.
