He wasn't always a controller though, some of the reason why he became more like that is because of me. I wasn't always the perfect wife, and remember, he left me - men don't leave for no reason. Some of it is because of his father.
I'll give you some background. H's mother is a matron at a hospital in charge of a whole department. She is that way with her life and not just her job. When me and H were little she used to talk down to both of us like her patients (I knew her from age 10, H was 13, I was there in person so can tell you this from my eyes too).
She was great as long as everyone agreed with her, otherwise all hell broke lose - a bit like my mother but without the allegations. Anyway, H's dad broke under the pressure of being constantly shouted at/put down so he started drinking and became an alcoholic. He started hitting H's mother and spending all the family wages on booze and most of his time in the pub. He'd throw plates at them. H and his mother used to hide behind the sofa
H's father would threaten to leave so H went out and slashed the tyres on his car so he couldn't leave.
There is other stuff worse I won't put because this is H's private life and I don't want to upset him should he ever read this.
H's dad got that personality disorder where you hear voices (can't spell it) so he was put in a hospital for a year. H was forced to visit there.
H never had any control over anything, not the domestic violence, not the alcoholism, not his parents M and not his own freedom. She let him have parties - that was about it.
Then he fell in love with me and he gave me everything for years. Bent over backwards to do anything I wanted. He asked before he bought anything, asked before he invited his friends to our place, took me on holidays wherever I wanted to go - basically nothing was too much trouble.
But then there were certain things which went wrong. I had a traumatic birth experience with dd1 and blamed him overtly for it ('you should have protected me. Why didn't you do something?') - he had to watch the woman he loves go through that agony while feeling totally powerless to help, only to have me turn on him afterwards. I had PND for a year and he had to juggle university with our baby because of this and I was getting panic attacks etc about the birth and my injuries so I didn't want him to go out anywhere in the evenings and he started feeling hemmed in.
This was solved when DD2 was born as I needed another birth experience to heal me from previous one.
I also had other medical health problems which meant I was in pain most of the time and would not go out to parties etc so I told him to go on his own. He wouldn't because he said it wasn't fair to leave me by myself and it was selfish of me so he ended up sacrificing his social life for a number of years while I was getting diagnosis and treatment.
(Now 95% cured apart from when I have a cold, then the symptoms come back).
Then he met this woman at work whom I mistook for an EA but it wasn't - he talked about her a lot, used to give her a lift back from work, invited her round to meet me maybe twice but the rest of the times just saw her privately at work and when driving.
I started getting insecure because his shift didn't finish till 10pm and he was driving her ack at that time, they were talking on the phone etc. I eventually accused him of an affair, which he denied. We had a row, I told him I didn't love him and loads of other really nasty stuff I didn't mean (bearing in mind I was 21 when this took place and stupid) - well, he started crying and wouldn't speak to me.
We made up but I felt he was never as willing to see my side after that. He was always helping me with my business, going to work himself, then there was all that stuff with my mother where he'd sit on the fence and not do anything. He felt sandwiched in between the two of us, and the poor thing still did romantic stuff too, like taking me to Paris for my 21st.
(I did stuff too, valentine's meals, wrote him love poems etc).
3 kids later he set up shop and got so into that he wouldn't come home till 10pm, not call me to let me know etc, people know the rest and I went into nag mode.
I know by the time he walked out he must have thought I have given my life to this woman and all she does is nag me and blame me for stuff He had total burn out and although I tried to give back at the time, now I look back I know I didn't do enough and I judged him too much and that is why now he won't give over an ounce of control.
He's terrified that my family will put on him, he's terrified I'll put on him, he's terrified one of my illnesses will re-surface and then it'll be him that has to sit and watch me in pain - but he wants all the good bits, the picnics, the poetry, the messing about in boats (yes he even rowed a boat for me once).
I have no doubt in my mind that this man loves me, he just doesn't want to be hurt, and I don't either. That is why I have always been willing to keep going.
I just wish he could realise I have grown a lot since then and I'm not that person anymore and my health is a lot better and it would be different. All I want is a normal R, I don't want to trap him.
It's making him see that, as now everything is his say and I feel as if I am to blame.
Sorry - I am in a bad frame of mind, blame it on the period.
