I need someone to tell me whether I'm just being negative but I feel pretty down this evening.
H and kids were late again - to the point where I rang him and asked what time he would be arriving (I always allow 1 hour before calling) - he said he was taking the girls to the park. I immediately felt angry because this was supposed to be our family time and if he was going to take them to the park, he should have included me too.
I said nothing and instead put my deck chair up in the garden and read a book.
He and dd's turned (really late) - dd4 crying and screaming. She proceeded to keep this up the entire time they were there, no matter what I did. I was already angry so my stress levels were going through the ceiling.
DD2 went in my garden and collapsed my deck chair and ended up throwing my cushion in the mud. I went out there and put the deck chair back up again. Then she did it again, so I had to tell her to get off it.
DD4 wanted to play outside, then she came in again and insisted I take her trainers off. So I did. Then she screamed because she wanted to go back outside so her father said she had to have wellies on. I went and fetched the wellies but she screamed at me and wouldn't let me put them on her, then she hit her father, so he put her in her bedroom and she screamed for the rest of the visit.
DD1 and DD3 didn't talk to me at all apart from to ask for food/drink.
I wanted to ask H today if I could have them all for the afternoon to do that art but I didn't because I was getting so upset.
H looked exhausted and said he wasn't staying long which made it worse as this evening was supposed to be our date and we had to cancel because I was ill (still not 100%) and he was already late as it was.
I asked him when we could rearrange this and he said he didn't know as he has already arranged a babysitter 3 nights this week (he goes out a lot in the evenings). My anger levels were rising to a point where I couldn't act 'as if' - I was secretly thinking 'Don't strain yourself to fit me into your diary.' I told him I would cancel it altogether.
He asked me what was wrong. I said 'Nothing.' DD1 and DD3 asked for drinks so I went and made them drinks and felt like a servant (no 'hello mummy' or anything, just get me this, that and the other. Wouldn't mind if they were actually here more. It justs feels like they turn up on my doorstep and treat me like a hotel )
DD's went off collecting ladybird's while I told them to be careful and not kill them by accident. H then started having a pick at me about these leather boots I was wearing (he's vegetarian) - he wasn't mean or anything but believe me, I was already upset so I didn't want to hear it.
Sometimes I feel we spend such little time together that I don't think he has the right to tell me whether I can wear leather boots or not - it's my life. Of course, I said nothing and the kids were fighting again so I was off seeing to them anyway, which was good as I didn't want to get into the whole vegetarian debate again. I am fully prepared to go vegetarian when we move in together because the rest of them are, but until them I am fine as I am. I don't want him having that much say over my life when we only see each other twice a week.
Anyway, then he told me about this new computer game he's bought so I chatted to him about that and I asked him if he would nip by this week to bring me my post (my business PO box is near his house so he usually brings my letters when he gets dd4 but we both forgot because I was ill) - he said he would.
Then half-way out the door, he says 'We'll have to arrange that date.' GRRRR!!!! I was torn between feeling happy and feeling angry.
DD4 was screaming still so I couldn't even hear myself think when I was saying goodbye to my other dd's.
H winked at me as they left. I shut the door and just told dd4 to go back to her room as I really don't know why she's doing it and I tried everything and my stress level was maxed out so I just didn't want to be where she was at that moment.
Then I turned my radio up full blast to drown out her crying and I am sitting here crying myself.
Is it me or him? As well as recovering from this 24 hour bug I also have my period - do you reckon it's just hormones? Except I feel taken for granted by all of them and I don't know how to get rid of the feeling.
I have visualised a STOP sign and I've tried to focus on the nice bits of the conversation and the nice bits with the kids, but it's not working very well.
)