Gabriel It seems like you are making some progress. I agree with the advice you are being given, dont do any excessive offering. You are being friendly, but shouldn't be doing any pursuing. I think to some extent, our behaviour with our children is a good reference of character, and will have rewards with our W's... if not, we are still doing the best that we can with our kids, which is what we would be doing anyhow.. I just wanted to pop in to offer some support.. I do give you props on your attitude... you are doing terrific, mental health wise..
I know I've said it before, but I truly appreciate input from women, as I often get caught up in the gender difference stuff. Sometimes guys just can't catch those sort of patterns.
Lost, I will do some thought-stopping and not let my mind wander.
Had S5 over yesterday. W had asked for me to have him overnight, so I did so. Lots of fun, ate supper at a sandwich shop cause we were out doing chores, stopped off at a library and we took the time to read 3-4 books there before leaving with a small stack plus some cartoon videos, did some grocery shopping then came 'home.' S5 is so hungry for my attention, it makes my heart ache. He began asking me if he could stay 3 nights, then "how about 2?" I'm sick thinking about how he might be turning this all into a rejection of him by me. I reassured him as best I could that I loved him and would spend as much time with him as I could. I noted that I knew this was hard on him and it made me sad to think he is hurting.
S5 brought up his 'baby brother' again. I just said that I knew he was a very loving boy and would make an excellent big brother. He noted that he told W this and I couldn't resist asking, "What did she say?" His response: "Maybe" Hmmmm. I know, I know (Gabriel thought-stops! )
Had severe thunderstorms last night that woke me up and I tossed and turned, started to think about my sitch, and then any chance of sleep went out the window. S5 came to me a bit scared, tossed and turned himself like a grizzly cub, and I escaped to the couch eventually. Caught another 2 hrs of sleep eventually. It was nice to wake up and share breakfast with him.
Hey, Buddy! I'm not up w/ your sitch, but I hope things are going well. I have an update on my new thread that i'd like your opinion on if you have the time. Do you mind?
Hey there, Bulldogr! Good to see that you've posted.
After a bit over 48 hrs of darkness, W breaks silence and calls me. Very cheery and happily told me about S5's swimming lesson. We laughed together about his antics and progress, and I explained how I was conducting interviews this week, so that was why I've missed his last two lessons. She seemed to relax and brighten further.
My crazymaker is telling me that W is so very happy now cause she's Ding me or has found someone new. My rational side is saying that she is attracted to my ability to support her as a friend and that our R is moving exactly the way it should. I feel lots of warmth between us right now. Knowing her she really wouldn't be this way if an OP was involved.
W expressed concern for me, saying "You looked really tired today." Rather than fishing for pity, I joked, "Sleeping w/ S5 was like sleeping w/ a grizzly cub!" resulting in more laughter. W talked about work and I was able to validate things.
Well, I'm off to work out and run, then to bed to catch up on sleep. We're doing taxes together tomorrow night, and I need to be rested for a nice level of PMA! Are you sure no wine for tomorrow?
Quote: My crazymaker is telling me that W is so very happy now cause she's Ding me or has found someone new.
That sounds like something I posted last week.
Don't listen to the crazymaker. Have you read any of John Eldredge's stuff? ("Wild at Heart," "The Epic," "The Sacred Romance," etc.) The crazymaker is The Enemy, and his first, favored method of attack is pretending he's not there. If he doesn't exist, if we're not under siege, then all these thoughts are really from ourselves, not his temptations. That line of thinking makes it easy to get down on ourselves.
I keep hoping that someday in my sitch I will start making the kind of progress you are making. W just started the official D court proceedings yesterday, but I think we're farther from reconciliation than you and your W are.
Keep the faith!
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Once again our parallel unvierses/separated at birth similarities are coming out.
As you read in my post, I was wondering the very same things about my W's behavior in relation to being comfortable w/ how our R is now and that it validates her decision for D. I just have to enjoy the R for what it is right now. I asked W to make other arrangements for the K's on Tu/Th nights as I need the extra time to focus on studies, so I won't be over at the house for a while and that will give me the chance to be a little more gray than I have been in the recent past. It will be interesting to observe W's reaction. Although, I told her that I would resume the help once school was finished.
Koshka, I'm getting better at squelching the crazymaker. It may take a night of sleeplessness, but if I fight the good fight and don't give in, then I find myself more at peace the next day, or especially during my next interaction with W. Jo posted:
Quote: Don't you bloody dare bring the wine!! I might just have to fly to the States and lock you in your house if you do that!
Ha! You are so right, of course. Just getting a bit ansy over here. Also:
Quote: And stop being so cynical. She's cheerful because she likes you! That much is obvious.
I thank you for this. I truly hope that she is starting to enjoy my company again. She's starting to acknowledge my presence positively at work, with smiles/nods/waves that were definitely not present before.
Kevin wrote:
Quote: I was wondering the very same things about my W's behavior in relation to being comfortable w/ how our R is now and that it validates her decision for D. I just have to enjoy the R for what it is right now.
These are wise words - I'll try to follow this too.
Taxes aren't the most pleasant topic for tonights interaction, but I'll be handing her 3 checks for her share of the equity, paying off a c.card, and child support, so maybe that will be positively reinforcing!?
Looking forward to S5's TBall game tonight. W won't be going due to work demands - probably better, as she is a bit too competition-minded.
I just got a call from the D Mediator. The official D date will be May 2nd. I told him I won't be attending the court hearing. I just can't face hearing what she has to say about me and us in front of the judge.
This news is going to make tonight's interaction very challenging. My PMA just blew away like air out of a balloon.
I know how much this hurts. You have to go to court? How awful. (You don't have to go to court for a D in the UK)
I think you're doing the right thing, protecting yourself, by not going.
I will advise you of the following:
1. DON'T mention the D at all when you speak to W; act like you're not bothered or like it isn't happening.
2. Remember, the D is a piece of paper, not your R. It cannot cancel your R, no matter what. It does not change what you have now. You loved each other before you married, right? M is an institution, not your R with your W.
3. My R with H only improved drastically post-D. Sometimes it is necessary to save your R as it releases the pressure from your spouse.
4. Post-D sex is the best sex I've ever had in my life - think what awaits you!
5. You can always re-marry if you succeed at DB'ING. Your old M is dead anyway and you are working towards a new and more fulfiling M, so you would need another ceremony regardless.
)
I told him I won't be attending the court hearing. I just can't face hearing what she has to say about me and us in front of the judge.