Hey there, Lost, KimC, Steve, Ukeejo, and SuperDad!
Thanks for your very supportive posts! Wow, just when I started to feel a slump, you all really know how to make a guy feel appreciated.
KimC, I think daily contact has its pluses and minuses. On the plus side, I'm not always "on" as I can go home or out to recharge via exercise etc... I imagine living with the WAS is harder. On the otherhand, daily contact makes change less obvious. Friends who see me maybe 1x/wk or month will exclaim "Wow, you look great!" or "My, you have lost wt/gotten buff..." although my change has been far less drastic physically. In terms of behavior or PMA, the change may be a little easier to show, as I feel less "riding" on the moment of contact, cause there's always tomorrow. Not that I get lazy about it - I take each contact seriously, but just that I don't feel tongue-tied.
Steve, I do hope she misses me. I do appreciate my R with S5 separate from the M stuff. S5 prayed for his Mom and Dad to have a baby brother "not a baby sister" in the truck today. I backed that prayer up silently with him ("For whenever two shall pray together.."). I'll check out that validating thread soon.
Ukeejo, I do hope she notices my changes. I think we DBers do boost each other up well, with some of us having more PMA that others each time. Its definitely a nice way to share. Koshka:
Quote: I think another possibility is she lacks confidence in the decision to D. Maybe she believes she can be a custodial parent, if she has to, but wonders now whether that is what's best. For her, for S5, for the whole family.
If this were true, I'd work all the harder for it. She did note that the D Mediator hadn't returned her calls, so the D may be stalled a bit. W asked me to sit at a table with her tonight at dropoff to discuss S5's summer and on the table was a program from her church titled "Not My Will But God's Be Done." I smiled when I saw it, thinking "Well, if she's listening to my big Buddy in the sky, there's absolutely nothing to worry about!"
The weekend wrapped up well. I did some work last night, went to get a sub sandwich and got an ego boost from a pretty redhead who owns the deli and who always pays me special attention, greeting me by name and chatting briefly. Of course, Sam did this for Norm on Cheers but I'll take what I can to boost my PMA!
W happily agreed to let me have S5 this afternoon, and when I arrived he and a friend were playing Spiderman and Batman in full costume. W had to leave immediately with the friend and his mother to check out a summercamp fair, and she asked me to lock-up behind me! Talk about a moment of truth! I made sure to finish packing up S5 and walking out with him after soothing his upset over his friend leaving so abruptly, and before my snooping monster came alive.
We practiced baseball for a bit until S5 threw more confidently and I had him try batting until he hit a few zingers to me. We went to church, as he said he hadn't gone with his mom, and then we enjoyed a nice spaghetti dinner. He ate really well at dinner, despite wolfing down a hotdog at the baseball diamond.
W called twice today, once to inquire about my willingness to discuss summercamps with her tonight, and later to let me know that she was running late from the grocery store. I said sure to the first request in a friendly but not too enthusiastic manner, and told her not to worry, as I had barely plopped S5 into the tub. I think our more open communication is removing some needless tension or anxiety about what the other might do or say, and instead is letting us support each other a bit better - like friends might.
As we discussed the summer, I made sure to point out that I hoped to do some fun things with S5, and that I hoped to reserve a week in the summer to take him camping, hopefully in Yellowstone. W exclaimed happiness for us, but looked a little sad. I don't feel too sorry for her, as she's heading to Hawaii in June. I didn't say so yet, but I hope to do the Yellowstone trip over our anniversary in Aug to help distract me from that sad day. W brought up my outings with my co-worker in Nashville again, asking how I liked going out with him (she's very transparent at times). He's a 41yo recent WAH, who is showing attraction to much younger women. I just pointed out that I appreciated his knowledge of music, and that I disliked his judgmental attitude toward others. When W specifically brought up that he liked young women "hanging on him" I noted that he and I were old enough to be their fathers and that I appreciated maturity in a woman.
There was some interesting talk about our D arrangements. W asked if I wanted all or most of the furniture, noting that I could just buy it from her (WTF!) forgetting that I had equal claim to it, and she has never offered to buy it from me! In particular, she noted "You can have my bed" (Freudian slip? ) saying that it would be easier to just buy new stuff. Typical WAS stuff - probably saw some great furniture ads in the newspaper. I just commented that we could talk about it and that I wouldn't have a lot of extra money to give her for our stuff this summer. At one point, I asked "Are you doing okay?" gently but pointedly, and she looked away and said "uhm-hmmm" but smiled a bit. Didn't get overly uncomfortable but I decided my probing a bit was enough, and I'd leave it at that. S5 was going bonkers - always get really happy/excited when Mom and Dad are seated together and getting along, so our convo time was slowly getting more interrupted by his silliness. We agreed to get together Tue eve to do our taxes and I said goodnight.
Gabriel- I totally agree with you on what you said.
"Daily contact makes change less obvious"-(one day I will learn to quote...lol)
Mostly in the PHYSICAL sense as you stated. Our S's know us pretty much inside and out. They know what to expect from us from being with us for x amount of years.
When you start to change your behavior they can not help but notice that and it can be accomplished seeing them on a daily basis. They don't always acknowlege it at first but they still see it.
I am proof of that. H now does acknowledge the changes I have made and will make comments of how "I saw the change a while back"....hence that they DO notice.
I guess if you had no/very little contact then the physical part would come into play more so.
I do think your W misses you She just doesn't want to admit it right now. And you can bet she sees your changes. Just keep being consistent and make her know that the changes are here to stay!
Here here, Gabriel, You are doing great. It sounds like you are comfortable being her friend for now, and hoping for more. I am there too, and hoping it shows to him, and hoping he misses me too. Your W calls you a lot! Just don't get pushy, and stay upbeat, that's my 2 cents.
Lost, you said it much better than I did about the WAS noticed behavioral vs. physical changes in the LBS. Thanks!
Anne, good to hear from you! I appreciate your vote of confidence.
JDD, I hear you loud and clear. I won't argue with her about furniture, and will try to follow your very giving example. I'm sure your W appreciates it from you, and I hope the same from mine.
W and I continue to have nice contact. I gave her and S5 a wake-up call this am as I needed to be at work early and didn't want to arrive with them still waking up. W thanked me for calling, and sounded so hot on the phone (something about her unguarded velvety sleepy voice). She was very pleasant at pickup and S5 was hysterical, noting how sleepy he was and asking if he could just go back to his bed. I joked "Hey, me too!" He brought his pillow and blanket to 'sleep' in my truck, but chatted the whole way to school, noting excitedly about his field trip to the zoo, and asking me if Gorillas have boogers.
W called me this am and asked me about S5's behavior at the airport and wanting me to cooperatively help her to improve his diet. I validated her worry, and noted that I'd be happy to do so with her, and she immediately calmed down and just visited a bit [Why can't DBing be taught in pre-marital classes?]. I asked her if we could postpone doing our taxes from Tue to Thur for two reasons: 1) I had already promised S5 he could stay over Tue night, and 2) There is a free orchestra concert on campus Tue night that I know W would love to attend. When I mentioned it, she softened and sounded pleased.
Here's hoping for a nice positive interaction on Thur night. Maybe I'll bring over a bottle of red wine for an after-taxes drink? Regardless, I'll hold onto low expectations.
Gabriel- Your S5 is a riot! Gorilla's and boogers....good one...lol
You handle your convo's with W so well. You have become a pro at this
You are right on keeping your expectations VERY low if any at all. It always gets us into trouble when we keep them too high.
Keeping fingers crossed here that it will go well Thursday night Scratch the wine though....she may see it as pursuing. Although it does sound very nice
Make coffee instead....lol You just don't want her to think that you are reading too much into things right now or are expecting something from her.
Either way...I know you will get through it with flying colors!
I think you're right about the wine, I'm pressing a bit with that. Gotta keep it safe and friendlike.
Any thoughts out there about W wanting me to keep a lot of the furniture? (Living room set- very nice, her bed, child furniture). Is this just a WAS wanting more money or is there more to this?
At one point, she commented about my truck and how it was a nice size to move things. Was she hinting that I help her to move? Should I?
Gabriel- I agree with Ioavva on not offering to help her move. Make her ask you. If you offer then she could say to herself "ha, still got him where I want him."
Don't sweat the furniture. There could be a number of reasons she wants you having it (even though she expects you to BUY it).
Like it was said before with the house, the furniture could be the same sitch as the house. When she chooses to come back all the familiar things will still be there
Don't let the mind start wondering. Take things as they come and continue DBing along the way. You are doing great Gabriel!
) saying that it would be easier to just buy new stuff. Typical WAS stuff - probably saw some great furniture ads in the newspaper. I just commented that we could talk about it and that I wouldn't have a lot of extra money to give her for our stuff this summer. At one point, I asked "Are you doing okay?" gently but pointedly, and she looked away and said "uhm-hmmm" but smiled a bit. Didn't get overly uncomfortable but I decided my probing a bit was enough, and I'd leave it at that. S5 was going bonkers - always get really happy/excited when Mom and Dad are seated together and getting along, so our convo time was slowly getting more interrupted by his silliness. We agreed to get together Tue eve to do our taxes and I said goodnight.