Koskka, its really important for me to teach S5 another way of being, so that he'll end up so much more emotionally and relationally healthy than his mother or I. This increases as I see W starting to repeat her past with him.
Lost and Martha, I get you about the reassurance and I do see the need for more mystery. W actually probably was bothered that I did not stay with this pack. Reality is that she'd probably be most threatened by an older, more established woman, as this would communicate that I'm not as her own worries/self-esteem stuff painted me before - relationally shallow, led by my penis, etc... My absence from the pack may have meant that I found someone and headed back to my room. She did call in the early a.m. the next day, and had to leave a message 'cause I was getting sweaty with several great looking women - but they were members of the UNC Lacrosse team, and we were all exercising in the hotel gym!
Lost, a very busy time is quieting at work, and I'm planning some fun stuff - just for me! Martha, I'll take a peak at what SD has to say about WASs.
Thanks for the reassurance about handing S5 back, Ioavva. In the moment, it made me feel like a jerk to do so, yet my eye is on the longterm. W blamed me so many times for not letting her mother S5 more/have more time with him. Now that she does so, but alone, I think she's feeling overwhelmed. I'm hoping that she can figure out how to parent him in a healthy manner, and be able to celebrate being a mother more. I'm also hoping that she can recall how it was nice to have me around co-parenting with him as a couple in the same house.
I'm wondering if the calls to as me to talk with him are related to that or if they are just focused on S5 and co-parenting from separate households?
I understand the idea of getting her to miss me. I truly hope that happens at some point.
There are a few possibilities I see (and this is speculation):
1. Because you 'took over' with S5 when you were together, she is not used to having to do it alone and therefore calls to get your permission or acceptance on parenting him.
2. She may lack confidence because she wasn't previously given the mother role she wanted, so she is wanting to co-parent even though getting a D.
3. It may not be about S5 at all. She may just be using S5 as an excuse to call you and hear your voice.
I used to do that all the time before I learnt DB'ing, because I missed him so I'd talk to him about the baby or our 5 yr old so that he would have to speak to me.
These all seem like strong possibilities. It may be a mixture of the 3, depending on her nad the situation. I hope there is more of the last one (her missing me).
I worked out at the gym, went on a 3mile run, then went on to Mass. I ran into 2 friends from work afterward, and talked with them briefly before having a conversation with the priest about my situation. Not any major insights from the convo, just very strong encouragement to keep at it from my end, and to trust God. Coming from a priest whose own parents reconciled just shy of D and who runs 2 miles every morning as a commitment to himself, the words rang true.
Thanks so much for responding to my post.... I have always valued your opinion and appreciate your comments with my sitch... Sometimes I wonder what would be easier to deal with as far as the DBing goes, having very little contact with the WAS as I have with my H or having almost daily interactions with the WAS as you seem to have with your W? It seems that perhaps seeing your W more frequently (perhaps due to your son), she is able to pay more attention to your changes. My H, on the otherhand has no clue of all of the changes I have made in just the past five months because we never see each other! Anyways... I really just wanted to say "hi" and let you know that I really do appreciate you taking the time to read over my post and give me your opinion with everything. I am curious what your thoughts are on the idea of having more contact with the WAS vs. very little contact at all. Do you think it makes a difference? Talk with you soon, Gabriel! Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend! -Kim
Hey Gabriel. I guarantee she misses you. Your attitude of continueing to work on yourself and let her see you at your best is fantastic. It is so easy at this time to want to get down, sleep and watch tv for many. But that only makes things worse. GAL, working on being best, etc., give much hope to the future and builds up personal happiness and relieves stress.
As said a million times, you and son stories show so much love between you two. I've found that when I'm with son, it often makes my M stresses seem so small, compared to all the happiness I get from him.
Heeey, you are the king of validating. Sgctxo... just posted a new question of "What is Validating". Maybe you could give your opinion there.
Thanks for checking in on mine. All is about the same. Been like friends again. I've been busy with work, so not here quite as much.
Gabriel, I just wanted to pop in and give you my support.. I have seen your changes through your posts,and have faith that your wife will notice them, sooner or later... maybe we have to develop an alien repellent, get them to release our spouses.. You are doing a great job, both with maintaining your PMA and giving some of it back to us other DBers... thanks for all you have given to us, and keep up your good work...ukeejo
I think another possibility is she lacks confidence in the decision to D. Maybe she believes she can be a custodial parent, if she has to, but wonders now whether that is what's best. For her, for S5, for the whole family.
Gabriel, you're making steady progress on yourself, and I'm certain W notices that.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
