Well, I'm not sure how strong I am, but I'll keep put-putting along: "I think I can, I think I can..."
It's been a crazy week and a half at work, leaving me with little sleep, so my PMA has dipped a bit, at least in terms of foggyheadedness. Folks seem to be seeking me out for support/leaning and I feel the need to create some time/space just for me.
I had S5 this afternoon. We did various chores, got our hair cut, and had supper together before I gave him a bath. W was nicely dressed up at dropoff. It made me wonder if she had the D court date today, but maybe it was counseling. Need to not go there - Stop, Crazymaker! I got W and S5 some waters and snacks for the plane ride (they're flying separately, and she had asked). W noted that she didn't like S5's hair cut, but oh well, I have better taste in men's hair and it looks great on him.
W told me that she's traveling to Hawaii in June, and noted that she's staying there for 10 days. I kept my emotions in check, and she shared with me that she's traveling with students that work with her to present her work. To me, it sounds like a mixture of safe (she's their professor and has to hold some respectability around them) and unsafe (they're single, immature young women, and she'll be hanging out with them, I'm sure). It has a MLC flavor to it, as I know her professional travel budget will cover only a portion, and that much of the cost will be coming from her (actually, the large equity check I would have paid her by then).
She again asked if I'd like to watch S5 during these 10 days: "Otherwise, I can just leave him with my parents." She just won't get it, or admit things (their abuse of her) at a conscious level, will she?
My plan: to keep the self-improvement up full-force, to have a blast with S5, maybe to go on a trip of our own, so that W returns to an empty house and time to herself. In the longterm, I'll keep at it, paying off my debt, and preparing to fix up my house and settle in.
I plan to go gray, not letting her have so much access to me, to create some mystery and to give her the sense that I have dropped the rope and am ready to move on. No matter how MLC wacky or like her MIL she may become, I will keep on keepin' on, improving myself so that S5 has an amazing father to look up to and depend on.
Well, I'm off to Nashville! I'll likely post next this weekend.
Sounds like you want to keep 5S for the 10 days, so why not tell her that. Or maybe you already have? I think a trip with 5S would be good for both of you. Good was to GAL.
Drop that rope, and go with the mystery. Make her wonder what is going on. I need to do the same over here. Have a new job with lots of hours, but not letting her know where I am.
Hope you enjoy the time with your son.
Thanks again for dropping by my thread. It helped me alot at a tough time.
G- I am in agreement with Riverrat, we all need to drop the rope (I think of it in my little brain pics as cutting a beautiful velvet cord that connects me to my H and letting the ends drift out to the universe-pretty groovy, but it helps).
Busyness is good for the WAS to see we are GAL and worth it to other people. And to ourselves!
Hey there! Well I'm back in town. Thanks for the posts, Lost, Hope, RR, and Anne.
My trip to Nashville went well. It was a nice mixture of business and fun. I was able to work in some great outings with S5, taking him to a science/adventure place where I ended up sliding down a 2-story playtube with S5 and other kids, dress pants/shirt/tie and all. I'm letting my fun side show, and others seem to be noticing. A stranger commented to his partner this morning as S5 and I were in line waiting to get into a popular breakfast place, "You can't take the boy out of the man" as I was horse-playing with S5, and I smiled to myself, as I would have stayed 'proper' in the past.
To summarize the trip: On Wed, I flew in early, hung out at a coffeeshop by a local university and got some work done, went out to dinner with a co-worker and an old friend who now lives in Nashville. It was hard to tell the friend about my and W's upcoming D. I turned in early to catch some sleep (had only 1.5 hrs the night before), while coworker went out for more fun.
On Thurs, W was very pleasant, happy to have me take S5 off her hands, and I validated her for her tough time traveling alone with him. She came to a presentation I had at noon, and brought S5 snacks and when she clearly noted that one bottle of water was for me, I thanked her for being kind. We agreed for me to bring S5 back at 8pm, but she tried to have me watch him so she could go out with several young students. I reminded her that we had agreed on 8pm, and exchanged S5 with her at 8:30 pm at a blues club, where she was eating and drinking with her students.
I had a mixture of sadness and guilt about dropping him off with her: sadness because there was not one bit of interest on her part to spend the eve with me, but guilt because I know that she needs time for herself. It just had an icky feel to be watching our son on a night that was regularly hers. W smiled and was kind, but she's a great actress, and I didn't weigh this very heavily b/c it was in front of others. Her student team is loyal to her (naturally), so it was awkward with several 'glaring' or refusing to not look at me at we exchanged S5. The poor little guy tried to cling to me but I kissed the top of his head and told him to stay with his mother and that I'd see him the next day and walked out. I went out with a friend and went bar-hopping to listen to different country music acts, turning in by 12:30.
I woke up early, and worked out at the hotel gym, then saw that W had left a message. Called her back and she tried to say goodbye and not to worry about watching S5, but I insisted, noting that she could probably use the break. She brightened a bit, noting that she would like to work out and go to eat breakfast (alone). S5 and I headed out to a pancake place and had a great time.
I offered to drive W and S5 to the airport (I had a rental car there) and she accepted, and thanked me at the airport. On the drive, W noted that she had wanted to go line dancing in Nashville, and I told her I was sorry that it didn't work out. She noted that the coworker I went out with had been seen with some women hanging all over him on Wed eve, but I merely commented that I wasn't with him then. We took different airlines, mine was a direct flight that got me back 2 hrs ago, her and S5's flight was cancelled with them still stuck in Atlanta. Do you think I'll earn any points for choosing a better flight?
RR, I think the mystery will help, especially if there are obviously positive things happening in my life as well. Hope, yes, I jumped on the offer to watch S5 for 10 days. I'll make it happen while I'm still teaching, then he and I will take a fun trip ourselves - I figure something out that also provides some mystery/intrigue.
W just called my cell phone. I hesitated picking up and now I know why!
W complained about S5, telling me that I needed to talk to him, saying he had been misbehaving with her the whole trip back. W sounded very stressed, and S5 sounded loopy. Those 2 poor souls have been traveling for about 8 hrs now and are just barely arrived, waiting for their luggage at the airport. I validated W's tiredness and upset, noting that I really felt for her and S5.
I did talk to S5, and did some 'mini-DBing' with him, noting that I knew he was tired and so on... He actually calmed down too, and W thanked me for talking with him. This stuff reallly works!
W wrapped up the call with comments about how she didn't have any fun, "just 1 hr at a blues club" and "why did [she] even go." The past me would have said, "No sir! I gave you 9 hrs of S5-less time yesterday! I did too help!" The current me just listening, and validated her feelings of tiredness.
Think any of this will sink in?
Well I'm off to watch a movie and veg for the rest of the evening. Feeling the traveling blahs. Back at it tomorrow.
Gabriel- Glad to hear you had a nice trip. Good thing you picked a better flight
Continue to give W the space she needs. You have to keep working on your GAL but don't make it all about work. Do some fun things on your own when you don't have S5.
Keep trying to add mystery. It works so well Also do fun things when you do have S5 but the mystery is really there when you don't have him. Then W cannot grill him on what you were out doing.
Believe me, she will ask him. My H does that to D3 all the time. It keep them on their toes and their minds racing.
The comment you made to W about you not being with the guy who had women hanging all over him......I would not have told her that. Just my opinion...but I would have just smiled or "yea I am sure he did" or something to keep from reassuring her so much.
WAW's can be so sneaky with how they go about getting info from us. I am learning this from my H. He has a million ways of trying to get info from me and now I listen REAL well to what he says and I have starting thinking before I speak.
That is just something that popped out at me in your post and thought I would give you my 2 cents on
Quote: I did talk to S5, and did some 'mini-DBing' with him, noting that I knew he was tired and so on... He actually calmed down too, and W thanked me for talking with him. This stuff reallly works!
Welcome home!
I've noticed success in helping my kids by simple validation of their feelings. Even S12, who's not the most emotionally expressive member of the family, reacts well when I let him have his say and validate.
Too bad you missed out on the Wednesday night "hanging all over" fest!
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Welcome home! I have to say that I'm with what Lost is saying here. Try creating some more mystery. I know that's what I need to focus on (if you've read about the recent email from SO on my thread). Keep responses short, simple, upbeat.
I don't know if you're familiar with StubbornDyke on the bb, but she just posted some very illuminating stuff about from the WAS's perspective. That may help you gain some clarity about what to do.
I got W and S5 some waters and snacks for the plane ride (they're flying separately, and she had asked). W noted that she didn't like S5's hair cut, but oh well, I have better taste in men's hair and it looks great on him. 
I'm letting my fun side show, and others seem to be noticing. A stranger commented to his partner this morning as S5 and I were in line waiting to get into a popular breakfast place, "You can't take the boy out of the man" as I was horse-playing with S5, and I smiled to myself, as I would have stayed 'proper' in the past. 
I went out with a friend and went bar-hopping to listen to different country music acts, turning in by 12:30.
