Gabriel...It might have been a rough night but you handled it so well!
It might just be a little much for S5 to do swimming and T-ball in the same day. He is not lazy...just wore out. W will see the difference when he is not doing both in the same day.
But you and W came to a compromise without arguing Things are getting better....a little at a time
Don't feel sorry for W about having so much to do....you hit the nail on the head with her needing to see what it is like to do things on her own! Takes her out of the fantasy world she is living in real quick
Keep up the good work....you are going to come out on top
I'm so impressed w/ the degree of calm you maintain in dealing w/ your W when she is being difficult or angry. I am learning a lot from you.
BTW, good new about you watching your S instead of MIL. I see the same thing from my W in regards to her acting in ways her parents, yet that is her biggest complaints about them. Head scratcher.
Gosh Gabriel, you handled the situation with wife and son tonight like a pro. Have you changed a lot since the divorce was filed or were you always this level headed? If these are changes in you, there is no way your efforts are going unnoticed. She won’t be able to resist your stability and new body much longer.
Has your divorce been finalized yet? If it is going to be soon, I think wife feels she must go through with the divorce because you will revert to your old ways any day now. Walk-away spouses are very skeptical. I bet she is planning to divorce you and then if the changes she sees in you continue, she will know that the changes are real, selfless and permanent.
I think the fact that I have continued my new way of life even after the divorce was final has been a huge influence on H and how he sees me.
I also think the walk-aways make certain plans to try and get their lives back in order and your wife stopping the divorce last minute will throw a huge wrench in her plans. Remember her goals for her future are very different from yours. She probably had to work up a lot of courage to walk away from you, and she is terrified to have to go through that situation again if you are just making temporary changes to “win her back”.
It does sound like your wife is going through a hard time in her life. Give her time and continue to be a good role model, and she will start to mirror you more and more.
By the way, my aunt and her husband also divorced. It took two years for them to reconcile which is the same amount of time as my friend. This is another example of time healing wounds. Time is really your best friend. Too bad it takes so much patience to endure.
P.S. My computer is still not fixed. I am at my sister's again.
Quote: In reality, she mimicked how her mother acted with her coaches as a child, complaining loudly at Isaiah as to why he was sitting out (instead of calmly talking to the coach after the game). MIL had ripped W as a child for not trying hard enough and not winning enough public acclaim for her. She just couldnt' stop herself tonight, carrying on loudly until I could hear S5 whimpering in the background.
Boy, Gabriel, this one hit close to home! My FIL is a bit of a workaholic who drove his kids to work extremely hard from an early age (no kidding - working construction all summer and Saturdays from the age of 10 or so in the family business). My H speaks with great bitterness about how he was working so hard while all the other kids in the neighborhood were playing and enjoying their vacations. But at home, he often reenacts his father's role - it drives him CRAZY if the kids just lounge around on a weekend day.
Now I understand that there's this terrible voice in his head, all the time, telling him "you're not working hard enough! You're not good enough!" - and, as hard as it can be for those of us who are near him and receive the fallout, what we get is only a small fraction of the abuse he heaps on himself.
I suspect your wife has a similar critical voice in her head.
How can this information help you? Well, in my case, I think I ASSumed my H knew I was proud of his accomplishments - but I didn't realize how much he needed me to say it OUT LOUD. Because I didn't realize that I needed to drown out that negative internal critic of his.
So try some words of affirmation on your W whenever you can sneak them in. And - you better be the one to go to the sporting events from here on in
You handled that well. I suspect it will have a positive impact, but your wife might not verbally acknowledge it. I know that my WAW has not made a single comment about anything positive about me.
I'm not divorced yet either, but what Sam said about going through with divorce rings true to me. I think part of what makes me only minimally scared of divorce is that the pressure is off the R. I figure I have not a whole lot left to lose and my wife won't have so much of the "this is a ploy to get me back" feeling. And as Sam said, it gives them a chance to see the changes survive D. Sam, would you agree with that?
Hope
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I agree with kml. Words of affirmation can go a long way. I didnt ignore my H accomplishments or how hard he worked, I complimented and praised him, just not enough.
Gabe Sorry your wife has to be this way. I watched it with my mother and brothers. Sorry you have to be around that behavior, its like nails on a chalkboard.
Hope#2 (for a second I thought you were another Hope on this board),
Yes, I think my H is amazed that my changes are real and such a part of my personality. I think he truly feels that I love him to continue treating him with love and respect after everything he did to me in the divorce.
Continuing with my changes after the divorce just helped me prove he was wrong about me even more.
He is in awe of the changes I have made because he knows it wasn't easy for me to do. While we were married, I must have heard him state, "past behavior is an indicator of future behavior" 1000 times when discussing politics, criminals and events in the media. During our divorce he constantly told me, "people don't change." I have proven him wrong, and he is starting to change his thinking. Plus, he wants to be forgiven for his mistakes too.
We were actually talking about someone who had cheated on their wife a while back and he said, "once a cheater, always a cheater." I told him that I didn't believe that theory any longer. I told him that people evolve and grow during their lives, realize there mistakes and want to be better people. He retracted what he had said and told me that maybe I was right and he was wrong.
I went off on a tangent here, but I wanted to drive it home how much my H has changed his thinking. He lived and breathed the motto that people don't change throughout his life. For him to see my changes, believe they are real and be proud of my accomplishments, DBing has created a miracle in my life. I think the stuff we get from this board is so powerful.
I have told my mom about this website, and she teases me and calls me a nerd for coming here. When good things happen between me and H, I say, "it is because of my DBing." She just rolls her eyes and laughs. Real quick, it is a miracle that my mom is supportive of me and H getting back together. She wanted to kill him, and I think she fantisized about doing it. This is just more proof that time heals all wounds and melts all anger.
Thank you all for your posts. Very good food for thought and great advice.
Quote: But you and W came to a compromise without arguing Things are getting better....a little at a time
I appreciate your encouragement, Lost. I needed that.
Quote: I'm so impressed w/ the degree of calm you maintain in dealing w/ your W when she is being difficult or angry.
Thanks, Bulldogr! It still feels like swimming upstream in the thick of it, but I'm slowly learning to do what has been successful for us in the past or in others sitches.
Quote: Have you changed a lot since the divorce was filed or were you always this level headed? If these are changes in you, there is no way your efforts are going unnoticed. She won’t be able to resist your stability and new body much longer.
Sam,
I was very stable, patient, and in great shape when we met, then became frustrated and shortfused, and gained 30 lbs by about 3 yrs into our M. I think you're right, that she is intrigued but cautious, wondering if these changes are real or not. Time will prove that I've made a permanent life change.
Quote: I think I ASSumed my H knew I was proud of his accomplishments - but I didn't realize how much he needed me to say it OUT LOUD. Because I didn't realize that I needed to drown out that negative internal critic of his. So try some words of affirmation on your W whenever you can sneak them in. And - you better be the one to go to the sporting events from here on in
Ellie, I hear you here and thanks for this advice. With this view, it will be soo much easier to not get frustrated with her. I had a weird feeling last night, sorrow for her AND for S5. It really helped both to point out how much she does love our son - he brightened and she softened further and teared up.
Quote: I figure I have not a whole lot left to lose and my wife won't have so much of the "this is a ploy to get me back" feeling. And as Sam said, it gives them a chance to see the changes survive D.
Hope, I would rather prove this within M, but have shifted my focus to improving our R. I like the idea of D freeing up expectations or tension.
Quote: Words of affirmation can go a long way.
Largo, I hear you and KML, and will be reviewing my efforts to do so. Her inner voice to herself is very harsh, so my outside view might help her challenge that and heal.
Quote: He lived and breathed the motto that people don't change throughout his life. For him to see my changes, believe they are real and be proud of my accomplishments, DBing has created a miracle in my life.
Sam, this is my W to the 'T.' If she can change her view in this way, it will indeed be a miracle. Thanks for yet another success story!
