Those are very good points - I like the idea of her positivity mirroring mine at some level. I heard something similar about how I was always negative about things and folks. I haven't seen that, either.
This weekend I'll have S5 again - back to 1st and 3rd weekends for us. We may get together with a friend and his 2 sons and have a testosterone-filled guys weekend. If it stops acting like summer around here and we get a break in the evening rain, we may do a campout and BBQ hotdogs and marshmellows over a campfire. Perhaps some boating down the St. Johns River. Otherwise, S5 and I will go to church, enjoy some donuts and just hang out.
S5 seems very excited to see me. Last night, W said "Hey, what am I, chopped liver?" in a joking tone, b/c he asked me to spend 3 days with him rather than him spending Fri w/her. I laughed at her comment, and told him I was sure that he'd have a great time with her.
Hey Gabriel. Glad to check in and see lots of positives in your life. Weekend with son sounds great. Your W seems upbeat, etc.
I liked how you told about your feelings a couple months back, on if you really wanted the M. Then you remembered back to all the great things and times with your W. That is a good way to look at the bigger picture. Your love for her is obvious.
You both are right. At the end of September is when I became much happier and confident, things did get much better from there.
DBing is right, we not only do this for our M, but also for ourselves.
You see Gabriel, the more you show us folks, the more we learn. God put you here in this situation to help all of us out there with our marriages. I am certain of this. I followed your lead numerous times, and I think I am actually getting somewhere. If EVER you doubt what your purpose is in this sitch you are in, DON'T!
Hope your weekend is going well with S5. I bet you two are kickin it on the couch right about now, watching toons or a movie and taking breaks in between playing superheros!
You're in my prayers hun....as always.
~Sacrifice is not what we give up, but what we ultimately gain~ My Sitch
I had a good weekend with S5. We spent the day w/a friend and his 2 sons. Still did outdoors stuff, but since it was windy, we changed the agenda a bit, riding a small metro train and going to kids campus - a playground w/a minature cityscape where kids can ride their bicycles around little streets, etc...
Had some good talks with my buddy, mostly about stuff other than R - a change from before. Played the villian ("Ghost Pirate" - Arrrggh!) for the superhero kids.
Came back to my place in the late morning and started to rush to get S5 and I ready for church, arguing w/him about playing, hanging out with him, then I shifted mid-sitch and said "You know what, let's do just that - hang out first all day, then go to Mass this evening." S5 just beamed, enjoyed a bath, and we just hung out in our grubbies, playing, eating, watching a bit of a movie, then napping, and reading, before church. Church was nice - a less formal teen Mass. I reflected on Pope John Paul II's passing, and thought, gee if I can become half the man he was in terms of prayerfulness, well-roundedness, and focus on others, I'll be able to die a contented man.
S5 and I went out to eat afterward, then came back 'home' to pack up. S5 complimented my cooking, saying he liked it when I make supper, so I went to the grocery store later tonight to buy ingredients for latter meals together.
At dropoff, W was friendly and genuinely happy to see S5. She brightened when I said I'd be able to pay off ($1600) the c.card she wanted me to prioritize first, by Tues. I thought this was a control maneuver of hers initially, then she explained that she wanted to close out all of her accounts with this particular bank due to their many 'unfair' fees and open herself an account at the credit union I use. I'm chalking it up to an AOS from me to her by doing so. No expectations, just a hope that she appreciates it.
We're traveling separately to a conference in Nashville this Wed, w/ W taking S5. She had bought S5 a handheld computer learning system and when I shared how all 3 little boys were jostling for it on the weekend, she beemed. I really complimented her on this, and told her I appreciated it. She mentioned that she bought S5 and herself new swimsuits, and invited me up to their room in the hotel to maybe go swimming with him. I wonder if she's curious about my 'new' in-shape bod? I doubt she'd go swimming with us, but I will be sure do appreciate her being so much more inviting about letting me into her 'space' - ala the house or the hotel room.
Isn't it nice to get away from R talk for a bit with friends? Glad you were able to do that. Seems everyone that is friend always wants to know how things are going with the R or what the latest "gossip" is.
Sounds like you and S5 had an enjoyable weekend. Hope things go well with the trip. Be sure not to hang on W too much...let her see you do your own thing when you can.
I haven't been able to post. My computer let me post on this message board for a few days and now it is back to it's same annoying self. Ohhh! It just drives me crazy. I am at my sister's watching my nephew for the weekend and using her computer. I read your thread each day though and get lots of inspiration from you.
I notice that you have moved to this board. Hope you don't feel lonely on this forum after you had such a huge fan base on the other one. I see you've brought some of your friends over to this forum though. That's good!
As usual you keep plugging along like a trooper. You always have the most positive attitude.
I wanted to tell you a short story for a little inspiration. I recently spoke to a friend of mine from highschool. Her and her husband had divorced because of an affair by the husband. Well, her and her husband remarried two years after their divorce. She did no divorce busting, and from what I can tell the reason they remarried is because of enough time passing to heal the anger and hurt. I always liked the husband. He is truly a kind and nice man. I can tell that after enough time passed and the anger started to melt, they probably realized that divorcing was a mistake.
My whole point to this is to encourage you to continue what you are doing because your wife's anger will also melt more and more as time passes. Once it is gone, she will have replaced her anger with new memories of you being the kind and loving man and father you are. I know it will happen for you. You have to just continue being patient.
Just wanted to say hello and tell you to keep on doing what your doing. I think you are an inspiration.
After I post here I am posting an update on my thread. Things are going really, really well with husband. Hopefully you can get some inspiration from my thread. Take care.
Sam
P.S. I have a new and slightly different username because I couldn't get the password to my old one from my sister's computer.
Wow, did you ever inspire me with that story! And I appreciated your reassurances deeply as well. Thank you!
DBing is making a difference in my sitch via making a difference in me. Case in point: last night I got about 4 hrs of sleep. In the past, this would have spelled trouble for about 1-2 days. This morning, I was b#tt-tired, yet in a good mood.
I was running about 5 min late to pick up S5 for his first day back to school, and the house was dark. I rang the doorbell twice, then W came to the door apologizing and rubbing sleep from her eyes, looking like she was getting anxious. I smiled and said I had trouble waking and stayed relaxed, focusing on her. [Wow, did she ever look sexy with tossled hair and in her pjs!]. W asked me to get S5 ready and I know she could over hear us joking and playing while I got him into some school clothes and brushed his teeth and combed his hair. W noted her surprise that I could convince S5 to wear some new pants that she couldn't and complimented the combo match of shirt/pants. I complimented W's checking out of a neat series of library books about animal facts that S5 was excited to share with his class. W is very creative and thoughtful this way.
Anyway, in the past, I would have been worked up about being late and all I had to do today. Now, I roll with these lesser events, and make things happen at a later time if need be, focusing on my higher priorities of W and S5 and myself first. What a difference that makes in terms of mood!
These changes aren't just for W's eyes, either. As a joke, S5 smeared some peanut butter on my shirt sleeve (he has my practical joker trait), but I merely gave him a brief reprimand and told him that we don't dirty other people's clothing. It was another 180 for me, as this would have upset me in the morning of a busy workday in the past.
Thanks for stopping by my thread, thought I'd return the favor. Wow, a lot happened in just a couple weeks.
I have no new vantage point. As everyone pointed out, you are doing an excellent job. Interactions with your wife sound positive. Nice job of looking for compliments. Might want to stock up on a few indirect compliments just in case.
In my sitch it always seems the interactions are positive, I get my hopes up, push a little too much, and go back to square one. It sounds like you are learning a great deal of patience, that's good. It's too easy to lay your cards on the table too soon.
I let my crazymaker run amok all the time. I'm still not controlling it well. I think....she's found someone else. Actually I have to rationalize by saying "she's 39 years old, she's with her kids 24/7, knows hardly anyone in this town, and is shy....when could she find time." Of course the crazymaker doesn't care about rational stuff. I'm just saying don't look for any signs of OP. It doesn't matter anyway...you are trying to become her best and indispensable friend and she will be drawn back to you regardless. For her you are the best possible catch.
Well Gabriel, best of luck. I'm going to take my cues from you since you are doing so well. Unfortunately, I don't really have a reason to see her daily or even several times a week unless I initiate something. Make the most of each opportunity to show what a great guy you are.
btw I like your name...my son shares the same one. Do you go by Gabe?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Yep, mainly buddies, friends call me Gabe, many women in my life, including W and Mother, call me Gabriel. Not sure why the difference. Your son is named well!
I'm working hard to avoid signs of dating/OM. That crazymaker stuff really zaps the PMA and my zest for GAL work.
W and I had several calls back and forth that she initiated, requests for info about airport transport/parking, sharing into about S5 with me regarding his summercamp plans, and about this evening. Saw her at his swim lessons. I had asked her if she wanted me to pick up a slice of pizza for him and she said yes, so I did so. While there, I called and asked if she'd like a slice and she acted pleasantly surprised, but noted "I'll pay you back." I told her not to worry about it, but felt something important there - like I need to respect her need to be/feel independent right now.
At swim lessons, she was sitting with a row of mothers, then moved up to sit with me 2 rows up after I arrived. It was a pleasant convo and laughing about S5's antics during the lesson. Once during horseplay on the side of the pool, S5 let go of the side and went under the water. W bolted upright and started to race toward him, but a lifeguard promptly lifted him up and placed him back on the pool wall. I'm one to let him struggle a bit before I do rescuing, just to see how he does. Without saying anything, W acknowledged the benefits of doing so - letting him try a bit more, and noted how it was good to see him holding his breathe automatically.
It was a good interaction. Not completely comfortable, yet better than during last week's lessons.
W's past reared it's ugly head tonight. W called in a fury, telling me how 'no one respected' our son, how he was lazy, and wondered whether he was MR, had no motivation, etc... very loudly. He's friggin 5 yrs old and she acts like hes a 40yo man sitting on the couch drinking beer all day.
He had a TBall game tonight, the 2nd of 3 I can't attend due to my teaching at the same time. W described how he 'sat on the bench' half the time and was the 'only child to do so.' She was also mad that he sat down in the outfield again, and had a hard time following the coaches instructions. Her description matched how she described her MIL in her stories to me.
In reality, she mimicked how her mother acted with her coaches as a child, complaining loudly at Isaiah as to why he was sitting out (instead of calmly talking to the coach after the game). MIL had ripped W as a child for not trying hard enough and not winning enough public acclaim for her. She just couldnt' stop herself tonight, carrying on loudly until I could hear S5 whimpering in the background.
I asked W if I could come over, noting I could hear S5 crying hard (was going over anyway, but prefaced it to give her this ability to provide permission), and she said yes. When I got there, W had softened her reaction, and I picked up S5 and hugged him and sat him on my lap. W admitted that S5 had gotten a single, and had scored. I told S5 that his mother loved him so much that she almost jumped in the pool during his swimming lessons clothes and all to save him at one point. She and S5 smiled and lauged at this. She does passinately love our son, and I was glad to be able to point this out. I talked with her and we decided that it might be a bit much for her and him to be running from swim lessons to TBall in one evening.
She got close to admitting that this was hitting a little close to home for her history, but couldn't quite go there. I did my best to validate her frustration, and yet to defend S5 from any more ripping. I didn't follow her into tunnels of arguing about her "you always" or "you never" claims against me, merley reassuring her about my desire to help S5 learn.
At one point, W began to cry about all she has to do, and I felt very sorry for her. Things could be so much easier if only... yet she needs to go through this to learn about life, and to change.
A big change occured that I forgot to mention earlier. W introduced my taking care of S5 while she is away on a trip to Hawaii (instead of MIL) in our earlier discussion of summer camps for him. This is very big, as it had triggered that great reaction on Thurs 3/24 when I signed the papers. She may have come to the conclusion that it was healthier for him to stay with me than with MIL. Thank God! She is healing, if so.
It was a rough evening for all 3 of us, but I think we survived. And I was able to do okay despite 4 hrs of sleep!
I bet you two are kickin it on the couch right about now, watching toons or a movie and taking breaks in between playing superheros!
I doubt she'd go swimming with us, but I will be sure do appreciate her being so much more inviting about letting me into her 'space' - ala the house or the hotel room.