Quote: A "there you go again" feeling clicked with me, and I realized that I need to work hard at giving W kudos for being a good mother, and stop worrying so much about S5.
What are some ways you can think to do that? In my case I realized today that I have begun "checking up" on W when she's off somewhere besides MIL's apartment, and it might seem to her that I'm "supervising" her time with kids. What specifially do you think you can incorporate as a regular part of your G-W-S5 interactions toward meeting the goal of showing W appreciation for her mothering/parenting?
From an earlier post:
Quote: Probably should be angry, upset about how I'm being treated to. Scary, but I do believe this treatment is not too far from how she was in the latter half of our marriage. That hurts to admit.
I don't follow. Did you mean W is treating you as she did in your M, or you believe you now know better how she felt in the latter half of your M?
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I pilfered this quote from Honeypot to TAG, as it spoke to me as well about my W's run toward D:
Quote: I see her as a woman on the run. She is rebelling in a big way..and I think this fits with her declaration that she couldn't do it without you. Meaning, she realized she COULDN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU. That is a very scary realization, kwim? To realize that you are dependent on another person; that you've never really stood on your own two feet. The urge to be our own person is very very strong. If you've hindered this in any way, then I think you should validate to her that you were controlling and that you support her growth as a person who is finding out what she wants and needs out of life.
This fits W well. She sees me as a big control-monster. Not really true, but I did have my days. More so, I'm a much safer target than is MIL, who is the queen of controllers [Ex: had W pay her $10 per each visit to W's friends houses as a kid, then interrogated her about the visits]. Regardless from whom, W does need her space to grow up and come into her own.
Koshka, I meant that I realized W was treating me rather crappily, and that hurts to face a negative reality. I've been on starvation-mode in terms of love/affection for some time now, and can understand my resentments and acting a bit better in that light. It brings up the importance of my self-care/self-love, as I can't really depend on anyone else to do that for me. I needed to mature a bit in this area.
I'm one to push for the positive explanation or to try to persevere and win in nearly any situation. Failing is a rare event for me, so the D hurts, W not loving me in return hurts, seeing S5's family "apart" hurts.
In terms of validating W's good mothering, just doing so in a genuine, yet expressive fashion. I'm a bit too laid back, and when something happens well, complimenting in a way that shows my pleasure would be important for W to see. In other words, I need to translate to her level of emotional understanding instead of hoping she'll meet me halfway.
As W is working hard on herself, in therapy and out, I have to trust that she'll do her best not to harm S5 or herself and they will be okay in the end.
Sat next to W at S5's swim lessons. Some good chatter about her condo, my house refinance and his swimming, yet some awkward moments, too. I'm still battling a stomach bug, and a bit tired/stressed from work, so not at my best PMA. I ran into them on campus at a pizza stand, as I raced to get a slice before giving an exam. W and S were there and I made a joke of it, "Fancy meeting YOU here!" S5 squealed in delight at seeing me, W merely rolled her eyes and seemed a bit embarassed about me seeing her buying them dinner there. I commented to generalize things, "Aren't we all eating healthy tonight. Looks like we're all busy, huh?" A bit too much contact, though more harmless cause not planned. Not the best of interactions but yet not bad interactions, which counts for something, right?
Gabriel- Being one that pushes for positive explanation or trying to win is something that working on yourself will help with.
W is not going to give you all the positives right now that you want. Do things that make yourself happy and proud and that alone will make you feel a whole lot better.
It is a substitute for what you desire but that will have to do for now. Keep working on yourself.
I hope that you are feeling better. Take some time this weekend to rest a bit if possible
Thanks for pointing out those benefits, Lost. I will use those traits to help me right now.
Feeling a bit better. Of all things, fighting off a bladder infection. Having had one of those since childhood/adolescence. No, I'm not visiting houses of ill-repute or anything. Think my late hours and caffeinated drinks are to blame.
Worked out and went for a 3mile run last night. A former student approached and thanked me for my influence on his career. Told me he was going to Italy for grad school - cool! It was a bittersweet exchange, as W and I teamtaught many of these students in a larger Intro course, and our couplehood became the fodder for hot gossip among the undergrads for a bit. At the time, I was quite proud to be linked with a woman like my W. Now, I need to accept publicly being her "ex." Has a much different tone, doesn't it? Now I know how Brad feels about articles about Jennifer. (joking!)
PMA is up, thanks to workout and interactions with friends and S5.
Nobody can truely know your sitch except you and W. A lot of people (and ALL my family) still think that H and I are 'ex's' - well, if you and your W get back together you will have the satisfaction of proving everyone wrong.
Re your W's depression and possible hurting of your son, I don't think she'd do that. Even when I was suicidal, I never laid a finger on my kids and never would. Mothering instinct goes beyond depression in most cases unless the person is psychotic or something.
It's good you can parent your child together after just 5 months of separation, that's something to build on.
Interesting day. Am nearing exhaustion, yet there will be quick pace at work for another 8 days or so. I'm getting better at delegating work and giving needed criticisms to get my supervisees work to a higher level.
Had a nice lunch with a Buddy. Talked more about business stuff than about D, which is a new shift.
W and I have been stressed. S5 is out of school, so we've been watching him longer, which is a joy, yet it means less sleep as the work must be done as well. Today, W forgot S5's TBall uniform, and so we waited for W to have time to go home to get it with us. W was stressed, S5 was acting out, and I felt grumpy, as we were going to have little time for dinner after this delay. W was down about not having washed S5's uniform yet (likely lots of negative self-judgments going on). S5's baseball pants did look like he'd rolled around in the mud, but neither S5 nor I cared. W asked me to buy him a new pair of pants and I said Id try.
My former behavior would have been to stay stuck in grumpiness. This evening I said to myself, 'F#ck it! We're going to eat s/t decent and if we're late we're late.' As we headed down the road, I noticed a rain cloud coming toward us. On a whim, while on the road, I called W who was still home, and said, "Hey W, just called to tell you that I know how busy you are right now and I appreciate you going home to get his uniform. I'm taking S5 to eat, and he'll wear his pants that he has, and we'll look for new ones later." W seemed to exhale and softened a bit on the phone, especially when I noted that it would likely rain (it did).
S5 and I went to a burrito place where the staff shouts out "Welcome to XXX!" whenever a new customer comes in. S5 took to shouting out spontaneously (he has a true stage voice - very loud), "Welcome to XXX!" - triggering the same by the staff. He was fascinated by this, saying that they were copying him. I watched their confusion as this happened 4-5 times before the "Boy who cried wolf" effect took hold. It was a nice fun ending of a previously stressful outing.
At dropoff, W had hunted up a few extra documents that I needed for my mortgage. It was a bit strained in atmosphere, then she listened to our stories about the rainout and the burrito shop and laughed a bit, as S5 and I laughed in the telling. W talked w/me in S5's bedroom, and when I said it was getting late, she said "What time is it?" as if I didn't need to leave quite yet.
I noticed a heart drawn in ink on the back of her right hand, and felt my heart sink a bit. She is right-handed, so it would have been difficult to draw on herself. Looked like a girl-drawn heart. Rather than let my crazymaker loose, I figured that she may have done so to herself (tested it on my own hand and found it possible ). However, right as I noticed this, W's phone rang, and she picked up right away and noted to someone that she'd call them back. W came back and said it was a former grad student who is a good friend now, calling about job advice. We talked about work and W told me more about her condo, noting that she didn't really like the area, and described it as a shortterm fix. We talked about debt payoffs and we both used "we" and "us" and "our" several times.
As I was about to leave again, S5 asked me to read a hilarious book titled, "Everyone poops." Probably a toilet-training book - that a little boy and lots of different animals and creatures doing their thing, but great bathroom humor for a 5yo. It was great to see that W had chosen that for him, a nice change from past patterns. W read it and started to show me the pics, so I sat down next to the bed as she and S5 laid in it reading. A very nice time with all of us laughing and both of them enjoying sharing this experience with me.
I fought of the urge of kissing S5 goodnight and carrying W off to the bedroom or livingroom - felt a great amount of love and attraction to her after this scene, yet I must respect her need to grow and learn about herself. She seems to be acknowledging this a bit. How I love her!
Dear God, please help my family through this tough time. Keep W and S5 safe, and guide me in my actions. Amen.
Rain has let up, so I'll be going for a latenight run tonight.
Quote: Talked more about business stuff than about D, which is a new shift.
No doubt it was a welcome relief, too.
Quote: He was fascinated by this, saying that they were copying him.
He's right, of course. They were copying him!
Quote: Rather than let my crazymaker loose, I figured that she may have done so to herself (tested it on my own hand and found it possible ). However, right as I noticed this, W's phone rang, and she picked up right away and noted to someone that she'd call them back.
Let it go. "Please don't feed the crazymakers."
Quote: As I was about to leave again, S5 asked me to read a hilarious book titled, "Everyone poops."
We've read that one. I bought S12 another, more advanced text last year, "The Gas We Pass."
I hope you enjoyed the run. I need to get more active, once I get the kids back to school. S12 was off this week; his sibs were off last week. Argh!
You stay close to God and He'll stay close to you.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
LOL....had to laugh at that book title...never heard of that one.
You had a great interaction with W! The 3 of you together reading a story...now that sounds like progress!
At least things are still on the "up" for you. You did great keeping your grumpiness in check. I know how hard that can be.
Don't start A$$uming about the heart. You will drive yourself crazy and there is no proof of anything going on anyway. You did real good tonight Gabriel
Nice to see things staying on the up with your sitch. I think you are making some great progress. I was worried there for a bit, but I sense something good coming your way. You are so strong....keep it up.
Still praying...
~Sacrifice is not what we give up, but what we ultimately gain~ My Sitch
Now I know how Brad feels about articles about Jennifer. 
(joking!)