I pilfered this quote from Honeypot to TAG, as it spoke to me as well about my W's run toward D:
Quote: I see her as a woman on the run. She is rebelling in a big way..and I think this fits with her declaration that she couldn't do it without you. Meaning, she realized she COULDN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU. That is a very scary realization, kwim? To realize that you are dependent on another person; that you've never really stood on your own two feet. The urge to be our own person is very very strong. If you've hindered this in any way, then I think you should validate to her that you were controlling and that you support her growth as a person who is finding out what she wants and needs out of life.
This fits W well. She sees me as a big control-monster. Not really true, but I did have my days. More so, I'm a much safer target than is MIL, who is the queen of controllers [Ex: had W pay her $10 per each visit to W's friends houses as a kid, then interrogated her about the visits]. Regardless from whom, W does need her space to grow up and come into her own.
Koshka, I meant that I realized W was treating me rather crappily, and that hurts to face a negative reality. I've been on starvation-mode in terms of love/affection for some time now, and can understand my resentments and acting a bit better in that light. It brings up the importance of my self-care/self-love, as I can't really depend on anyone else to do that for me. I needed to mature a bit in this area.
I'm one to push for the positive explanation or to try to persevere and win in nearly any situation. Failing is a rare event for me, so the D hurts, W not loving me in return hurts, seeing S5's family "apart" hurts.
In terms of validating W's good mothering, just doing so in a genuine, yet expressive fashion. I'm a bit too laid back, and when something happens well, complimenting in a way that shows my pleasure would be important for W to see. In other words, I need to translate to her level of emotional understanding instead of hoping she'll meet me halfway.
As W is working hard on herself, in therapy and out, I have to trust that she'll do her best not to harm S5 or herself and they will be okay in the end.
Sat next to W at S5's swim lessons. Some good chatter about her condo, my house refinance and his swimming, yet some awkward moments, too. I'm still battling a stomach bug, and a bit tired/stressed from work, so not at my best PMA. I ran into them on campus at a pizza stand, as I raced to get a slice before giving an exam. W and S were there and I made a joke of it, "Fancy meeting YOU here!" S5 squealed in delight at seeing me, W merely rolled her eyes and seemed a bit embarassed about me seeing her buying them dinner there. I commented to generalize things, "Aren't we all eating healthy tonight. Looks like we're all busy, huh?" A bit too much contact, though more harmless cause not planned. Not the best of interactions but yet not bad interactions, which counts for something, right?
