Quote: I should be receiving the UL book today and look forward to reading it. I would like to be able to manage my feelings better when I start feeling hurt or slighted by something she says. When I feel that way, I throw up my defense which is becoming distant and pissed off, which causes her to lash out with her hurtful words (which is her defense). If I could break that cycle before it begins, I think we will get somewhere.
I think this is what the book helps with the most. You pick one of those times when she says something that really feels like she's socked you in the gut and you "unpack" it (to use one of those workshop buzzwords). I would do this alone, and I would write it out-- the book gives 15 questions to ask about the event/feeling. You're looking for that place where the fishhook is stuck in you. Then you trace the line back to the pole and see who's holding the pole. It's not her; the initial wound happened before you knew her.
The defensive thing is maddening. In the right (read: wrong) mood, my bf becomes defensive faster than anyone I've ever known. I resist becoming defensive in response to him... at first... then I cave, too. Usually the convos are really about nothing... maybe about the way I asked him about something. But they "hook" me and make me furious for hours. I know my father related this way, too. You just couldn't get next to him. If you tried to get next to him (metaphorically speaking), he would just turn to confront you... over the smallest things. Talking to him was exhausting... just like talking to my bf, when he's in this mood.
I'm curious... what did she find helpful about the SSM book?
P.S. PM is Passionate Marriage, a book by Schnarch. Go to his website www.passionatemarriage.com for an overview.
