I would like to be able to manage my feelings better when I start feeling hurt or slighted by something she says. When I feel that way, I throw up my defense which is becoming distant and pissed off, which causes her to lash out with her hurtful words (which is her defense). If I could break that cycle before it begins, I think we will get somewhere.
Excellent!!!
I'm happy that you are taking an upbeat approach to this with the flowers and stuff. SSM is a good icebreaker to see how willing she is to participate. If you can turn the repair itself into something to connect over - by reading together and talking about things in a nice way, then that's great. If she doesn't want to do that, then simply respect that decision...it means nothing other than the fact that she doesn't want to discuss it with you...and that's fine (to a degree).
Part of PM and hopefully UL is a concept called "differentiation" which has to do with the stuff you are already striving for...keeping cool, fearlessly disclosing yourself, emotional independence, knowing and defending your self (values, preferences, etc). A lot of us misinterpreted PM (at least I did) and seemed to become isolationist/autonomous without fulling recognizing how our own marital systems worked. That's where the counseling helped.
You mentioned some "cause and effect" behaviors in your M. It's great when you recognize how each of you respond and that type of thinking is what you need to be focused on. Ignore the bedroom for now...have discussions about the stuff you are saying here. Talk with your W about how interesting it is that you respond with defensiveness and she responds with (fill in the blank). Check out Gottman who is the expert on interpersonal communication. I read Relationship Cure by Gottman and it, along with PM were the only 2 that helped. I might check out UL but I'm just not into self-help these days....and that's a good thing.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
