Don't know what to do anymore

[Bube]

Andy,

Trust me, the C won’t just tell your W to have sex with you.

I’m sure you haven’t read about my history, so let me give you a very brief synopsis. We had no sex before M and no sex for the first 11+ years of M. W then decided that she wanted a baby, something for which I had been campaigning for quite some time. We had sex two or three times, W got PG, and the sex stopped. A little over two years later, with still no sex, I was ready to bail out. We had more problems than you could shake a stick at. I was involved in an EA and had moved out, but we started going to Dr. Stettheimer.

Progress was slow, but I moved back in, and things got better. W refused to even discuss sex, but even without ever directly addressing that issue, wonder of wonders, we started having sex. It was still few and far between, but we were doing it for the first time ever (not counting her efforts to get PG). About the time I signed up here, there were lots of things going on. W was having female problems and went through an endometrial ablation and then a hysterectomy. I started going back to see Dr. Stettheimer on my own. He helped me and our R again without ever even talking to W. He helped me immensely in changing myself to better the R. We’re still not where I want us to be, but we’re now ML about once a week and our R has never been better.

As I said before, I’ll be glad to discuss this in more detail either here or privately. Just be aware that C will entail a lot more than “someone else telling [her] to have sex”.

Wildebube

[Greeneyedlass]

Hi Andy,

FWIW...our C has NEVER told either of us (that I know of) to "just do it". Our current counselor hasn't even addressed sex yet...she's working with us more on our R, she firmly believes that sex will probably follow as a result of working on communication, learning what each other wants/needs etc.

Which....is what many, many other very smart people on this BB have also said.

You might take this approach with her....that it's true they MAY say what she thinks they will about sex, but then they may not...what do you have to lose with taking a few minutes a week and listening?

I also repeated several times to my H that if HE wasn't comfortable with the counselor we chose, that we would find another he was comfortable with. I think he needed the comfort factor of not feeling ambushed. This worked for me...your results may vary

GEL

[cinemanymph]

andy,
Maybe you do do too much for your W. It could be that she is in a place where she is comfortable, but knowing that, in order to be a mature adult, she needs to be contributing more. It may be that she is looking for oppurtunities to do just that. A partner who is not mature in other areas can find it hard to be mature sexually.

[Greeneyedlass]

Andy,

I absolutely agree with Lillie on this. If you go back through some of the posts of people on here who have had some success you'll find a common thread.....they got the ball rolling, they began to change things themselves, they changed their own behaviors.....you cannot wait for her, not if your M is important to you.

I understand the frustration of seeing your S do nothing, been there done that myself. I too had a spouse content w/the relationship, clueless to the problems. There was no way he was going to do what needed to be done (IMPOV) because he didin't view it as a problem....I did.

Don't wait on her, YOU get the ball of change rolling!

Best of luck,
GEL

[honeypot]

Oooh good one, Cine!
I know that I used to be a Princess Wife and boy was it a shock to find out that he expected me to pull my weight. Oh and Andy, I didn't go along with this immediately. I put up a good fight but eventually gave up ALL of my princess ways.

Steel yourself for a battle and then get to it, my friend.

HP

[cinemanymph]

Thanks HP !

[nightrunner]

It is so refreshing to be able to 'converse' with someone about this stuff. I used to hang out with my single friends before we got married. We were all long-hairs and hung out in rock clubs. Since I got married, I do not do these things much anymore and the long hair friends call only occasionaly. We (the W and I) only have a few couple friends, but we do not really hang out or do dinners with them. We have tried to make more of an effort to do that so that we are more social with other couples. What I really lack these days is that really good, close friend, who is really looking out for your happiness. That is the person I would usually talk to about this stuff. It is good that there is a place to trade ideas and get some advice from 'real' people who have been through or are dealing with similar issues. Thanks to all!

[Greeneyedlass]

Andy,

I agree with you...when I first found this BB about a year ago I was at my wits-end!!! I really do believe that if I hadn't found the support here that I did, I would have ended up in divorce court.

Talking w/people who have gone through (or are going through) the same things I had really helped...it was comforting just to know I wasn't alone....and to take ideas I read on this forum and try to apply them at home. Some ideas worked, some didn't....but it gave me things to try

GEL

[OG_Lou]

andyndallas wrote

It is good that there is a place to trade ideas and get some advice from 'real' people who have been through or are dealing with similar issues. Thanks to all!

andyndallas, I had a few friends I talked with and aired my marrital frustrations with. At first it helped and they were helpful. Problem is, they were not in the same position and I could see the friendship cool. I also was not comfortable bringing up some of the very personal issues we were having. People here are more in tune with what is going on in troubled marriages, have read the books, and are usually like minded in that they want to repair the M.

I found this BB and I can say it is more of a help than I ever expected. People going through a variety of problems, some simmilar, some at different stages, and different aproaches or ideas to solve problems.

It's kind of like doing a biology project that takes several months to complete. If you only have one sample, you do not notice the changes every day. If you start a new sample every week and compare week 2's sample with week 6's sample you can see the changes.

I am using the biology project to point out to you when you feel or think not much is changing in your R with your W that is the one sample experiment model. Changes are difficult to notice. If you look at where other people started and see where they are now, you see changes.

OG Lou. A for what it's worth post.

[NotATLDave]

Trust me, the C won’t just tell your W to have sex with you.

Very true.


andy,
You are get fed from a fire hose right now. Be really careful not to let this site increase your anxiety. I've been reading all the "speculative" responses here and I'm feeling really bad for you right now because I would be overwhelmed. There is no easy fix to this. You can do the 5 love languages, read a million books, have long painful discussions with your spouse and it will not increase her desire one bit. I promise you that the solution is almost effortless from a "work" standpoint. It just requires bravery and some new understanding of how all this stuff really works. Once you understand the basic principals, you will know exactly what to say to your spouse. It just takes a while to change the way you are thinking right now. I was in the same state of mind as you when I came here.

I know this is a repeat, but the only thing that helped me and lots of others on this site to relax and form a real plan was reading the book Passionate Marriage. I highly recommend that stop talking about R stuff with your W right now and read this. It would have saved me 3 months of pain had I read it first. SSM has some big flaws when it comes to addressing the type of desire difference that alot of us here have. SSM is really designed for a motivated LD spouse.

BTW. Some people here have better insights than others. Be careful who you take advice from. Hell, be careful of taking advice from me. The only reason I think I've anything to offer is that we've had a pretty good bit of success. We went from 2-3x a year to 2-3x a week and oddly, I don't count my success on the frequency anymore.