Don't know what to do anymore

[nightrunner]

First off, everyone but my wife thinks I am very nice, and a great husband/father. I realize that they do not live with us, though. When I say the way I had talked to the wife and kids in the past, It was not what I said but how I said it, as my wife tells me. I understand things may take a while, but I would expect some work on her part also. The reason that I have not done the things in the past that she says would make us closer and her respond to me more, is that there was no intimacy. I've felt like a room mate for 12 years. Last night she told me that she thought for the past three months that everything was great. I was dumbfounded when I heard this. I asked her was she just not hearing me when I asked many times about the sex issue and how it was not improving. I think all this is just bunk. I am beginning to think that this is all horsesh@#. She does not treat me like a husband. I do however treat her like a wife. When I say that, I mean that I compliment her constantly, buy her things, take her out, buy her flowers, take the kids out, spend time with the kids, do work around the house, put up with the dang dogs, and so on, and so on. Why then, would you think it would be so hard to have sex twice a week (or three if we are actually in make believe land)? She does not think in any way that this is something that has to do with out closeness in the marriage. She thinks it is me just wanting to get my rocks off.
The more I read the relationship books, the more I think this: If you are not happy in the marriage, there is a reason for it. If you are not getting what you think you need to be happy in a marriage, and you try to tell your spouse about it, and they do nothing or worse, belittle you about it, then it is not going to be fixed by any number of books you read, or people you talk to. If the other spouse thinks they are right and that they do not have a problem, then game over!