The skiing holiday was a challenge. I am not particularly pleased with the way I met it. 6 people in a tiny appartment was difficult, dd 6 was hellishly difficult, I find skiing terrifyiing at times and the thought of H being there a year ago with OW (and no children to organise) was maddening.
One morning we had left DD6 in her ski class and the other 5 of us had gone up a lift and H said 'lets go to point X on red run'. I started following and found myself alone on what to me looked like a sheer drop, the others all having taken off at top speed. I was really scared and furious that H hadn't waited when he knew that I hadn't been on a red run before. I made an extremely slow descent but was really angry when I got to the point where H was waiting for me and skiied past him and got on the next lift with DD16. He then apologized to me at the top for not waiting and I shouted at him and (can barely bring myself to confess this here) asked if he had just skiied off and left OW on her own as she could barely ski at all. I apologized to him a few minutes later and he said nothing. When we got back to the car park he ignored me and took his skies off so I went up the mountain again on my own. When I got back to the car he still didn't speak to me. After we had sat in the car eating our picnic I asked him if he was ignoring me and he said he was so angry that he had flashing lights in his eye and couldn't ski and that he was going to calm down but I had made a completely unjustified attack. I apologized again and we hugged and parted company for a couple of hours. When I next hooked up with him we were really pleased to see one another and had a good time skiing with Dds 6 and 11 for the rest of the afternoon.
Back at the appartment I brought up the subject of anger - he said he had been furious with me for skiing past him and he hadn't realised I was scared but said he didn't know why we were having a conversation about it. I said we had spent 16 years not discussing it and look where that got us so we might as well talk about things and find a solution.
The next evening I brought it up again - he said we had kissed and made up and thought that everything was fine so didn't see the need to talk about it but agreed that we did need to talk about our feelings.
I feel I did force the issue and am sure I could have done it better. I don't know when to stop and feel I have to say everything that comes into my head which I justify by having not had the opportunity in the past to do so. I meander from the point and react to his respnses. Am not feeling very clever.
He has now gone to UK for the week. We have parted best of friends and best of lovers. I need to find a better way to talk (not talking is not an option I can for the time being accept). I do realise after this last week that he really doesn't think about OW and would rather forget about her and I keep reminding him which is daft.
