I had a very happy Christmas at home with just the family and then to my cousins (where I spent Christmas with the dds last year) for a couple of days and then New Year’s eve also with the friends I spent it with last year. Each significant date that we pass together feels like a bit of a hurdle and we are both putting in the effort to make them special. I would love to know what he did and how he felt last Christmas but have refrained from asking (not least because I wouldn’t want to hear him say he had a great time with OW).
The skiing holidays are in mid Feb. This still causes me lots of anguish and the thought of it can plunge me back into horrible feelings which I can’t quite identify but is a mixture of rage and misery. H opened a discussion about it (hooray) and I told him that it was still very painful for me to know that he despised my so much that he would take OW skiing to the only place we had skied which I felt was flaunting new life, new woman in my face. He said it was somewhere he liked and was familiar with and it wasn’t about attacking me. I still have a lot more I would like to say on the subject but it would only lead to his discomfort. I said I wanted to go back to the same place so I could get over it rather than go somewhere new which H suggested.
He also told me how OW had booked them into a swish hotel for Valentines night (though this was after the skiing holiday and after he’d told me he wanted to come home) and he had spent the night crying in a chair not being brave enough to tell OW he was leaving her. I was gratified to hear that he didn’t even give her a card.
He said that more and more he feels responsible for the collapse of our relationship and that not expressing his feelings was destructive.
We have been watching Desperate Housewives on DVD which tickles me no end. There are so many little things being said that are relevant.
