I have finally got a new computer - couldn't cope at all with posting on H's lap top. this one has a french keyboard so until I hook up an english one zill be brief.
The last month has been great mostly, interrupted by me drinking too much and launching an attack, then waking up following morning full of remorse and resolve never to do it again. After my last apology to H for behaviour he said that it was better for me to vent my spleen rqther thqn keep it in and he was very understqnding.
The other night at supper Dd 14 brought up skiing. This is still a topic which makes my heart pound. After the meal I gave H a hug and he said that the mention of the mountains makes him feel ill. Knowing that its not only me zho is having a reaction is calming and reduces my anger.
Children are all back at school on Monday and we have a week off from paying guests so uninterrupted time together. I know he isn' brqve enough to raise issues and don't know if it is timely or still too soon - I don't want to always be the one to bring them up.
He wants me to help him carve his sculpture. This is a first. I have plenty to do and have never had any desire to cqrve wood but perhaps it will be bonding.
logged on with the intention of writing a proper update in the hope of getting back into the habit but alas have spent so long reading other peoples threads that I can't remember what I was going to say.
if anyone can tell me how to send a private message to Wendylon I would be v. grateful.
H has gone to UK on lightning 48 hour tour to see about a job. I was nervous about him going - though in reality there was v little risk of him bumping into OW. He has a broach of hers which she requested he not send in the post. I wanted to ask him if he was taking it with him. I can think about OW fairly calmly but thinking about asking him if he is taking her broach back (even to leave at his mothers or her sisters for colection) fills me with fear. I wish he would have told me that he was taking it. There is the possibility that he has forgotten about it and it is still here. So I don't like him having it because I think whilst he does OW has reason to think that they will meet. I am scared to ask him and it is the fear of asking which upsets me because I feel I am in a relationship which has this huge wall of silence which is only broken by me and invariably invokes misery.
I think he sees me bringing up R or A as a way of venting my spleen and a deliberate attempt to have a go at him. If I don't bring them up, he won't and we will be back with the relationship of yore.
We had a very indecisive friend here last week who drove H mad with his inability to make his mind up (even to the question beer or wine) but it made me laugh as H constantly asks me what he should do and defers childrens questions to me. I am trying not to be frustrated by it and am prone to being non-comittal in an attempt to back off from bossy or controlling. would love any suggestions on how to surrender compltely without looking like I don't care. I want to rid the relationship completely of the parental element which has always existed.
The good part of our R is good. we are v. good friends with shared senses of humour. I am frequently tickled by him saying that I surprise him or amaze him so definately doing some things right.
Paying guests all gone which makes me feel a bit gloomy about the quiet winter ahead with sporadic social life. But am off to London alone next week - am keen to get away but reluctant to leave H for 10 days.
My home number is 020 7722 2945. My mobile is: 07973 753104. My email is wendywebster@blueyonder.co.uk. Hope to hear from you! Just don't announce yourself as a DB person!
xo Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
It was so lovely to meet you. Thank you so much for making the journey here. It makes me smile just thinking about our time together. I hope your return went well. I look forward to an update when you get the chance.
xoxo Wendy
PS My father lives in Bouscayrens. It probably isn't that near you.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Wendy, I can't find a place called Bouscayrens in the road book - did you say it was near Pau?
I continue to have internet connection problems which combined with public position of computer makes getting here tricky.
Any way things are still tickety boo in the love department and H tells me regularly he loves me more than ever and is happier than ever. Aaah!
There are, despite this a myriad of little triggers which can send my mood plummeting and the anger factor rising but I think I am much better about investigating my feelings and dealing with them. The bottom line of fear is that H and I have no history of dealing with conflict together and he seems to see any discussion about our relationship or what went wrong with it as me venting and his penance to endure it. He says very little and I talk too much which leaves me feeling empty. When I feel low he backs away and I would love that text book educated person who listens, validates and empathises with me. He hasn’t read any books so is it for me to say specifically this is how I would like him to behave? I see it also in his interactions with DDs particularly DD 10 who gets very wound up by him which he reacts to with self defense (again I am scared to say what I think would be a better way to approach it and my confusion about whether or not to say anything gets my goat).
The sun is shining and I have gardening to do. One roof is finished and we are starting the pigeonier roof when H gets back from UK next week. H has got another sculpture commission which is great, not only financially but for his self esteem. I need to find something to do for myself but beyond the mother/homemaker/homebuilder don’t know what. I still don’t have a life outside my marriage and can’t really see how to remedy the situation here in the middle of nowhere.
I had a very happy Christmas at home with just the family and then to my cousins (where I spent Christmas with the dds last year) for a couple of days and then New Year’s eve also with the friends I spent it with last year. Each significant date that we pass together feels like a bit of a hurdle and we are both putting in the effort to make them special. I would love to know what he did and how he felt last Christmas but have refrained from asking (not least because I wouldn’t want to hear him say he had a great time with OW).
The skiing holidays are in mid Feb. This still causes me lots of anguish and the thought of it can plunge me back into horrible feelings which I can’t quite identify but is a mixture of rage and misery. H opened a discussion about it (hooray) and I told him that it was still very painful for me to know that he despised my so much that he would take OW skiing to the only place we had skied which I felt was flaunting new life, new woman in my face. He said it was somewhere he liked and was familiar with and it wasn’t about attacking me. I still have a lot more I would like to say on the subject but it would only lead to his discomfort. I said I wanted to go back to the same place so I could get over it rather than go somewhere new which H suggested.
He also told me how OW had booked them into a swish hotel for Valentines night (though this was after the skiing holiday and after he’d told me he wanted to come home) and he had spent the night crying in a chair not being brave enough to tell OW he was leaving her. I was gratified to hear that he didn’t even give her a card.
He said that more and more he feels responsible for the collapse of our relationship and that not expressing his feelings was destructive.
We have been watching Desperate Housewives on DVD which tickles me no end. There are so many little things being said that are relevant.
How lovely to hear from you (both here and on my thread). It's amazing to think that you and H haven't even been back together a year. You are doing so amazingly well and it does sound as if your H is talking more and taking responsibility for things. That's fantastic.
I'm over in your neck of the woods next week--Toulouse (Bouscayrens). I'd love to see you but I'm not sure how easy it would be to arrange. I'll see if I can find your email and will email you on the week-end.
I remember when you were here we talked about how difficult it is not to think about OW. I surprise myself these days as I sometimes notice that I haven't thought about her in a while. I think it really helped getting past all the anniversaries--culminating with their final break-up.
I think it's a great idea to go back to 'your' place to ski and reappropriate it. I want to do the same thing with New York. I suspect that you will feel better once you're past the anniversary of your H's return.
I love the idea that I'm not giving OW much of my psychological time. I hate to be the one to bring her into the R. Her presence has done enough damage as it stands.
Have just started watching the second series of Desperate Housewives. Great fun.
Good continuation and I'll try to get in touch.
Love, Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Slowly