long post This is cloak and dagger stuff now – it being 2.30 am. Paying guests arriving inless than 2 weeks and dds on holiday so even less opportunity than ever.
Am finding it difficult to stay on track with the up-close and personal dbing – long distance was much easier.
A week ago I was having lunch with H and DDs 14 and 16 and apropos of a discussion about the french and english meanings of sympathy we moved onto empathy and I said ‘according to the book I’m reading empathising is something women are more likely to do than men’ (or words to that effect). H said nothing but finished his lunch and said he had to go and do something. DD14 said ‘he’s cross’. Half an hour later when he was going out he was still very annoyed and only said goodbye without looking at me. I went to the car and asked he if was pissed off and he just looked at me and said ‘see you later’.
Three hours later he returned and immediately started getting on with something, indicating that he was still pissed off. When I found him I put on my bravest smile and asked him if we could talk.
M: I want tolet you know how I feel when you walk out without saying anything. I feel abandoned and feel that you are going to leave me again and I feel you are controlling me by not allowing me to speak. I don’t have a girlfriend on the doorstep and if I can’t spek to you I have no one to talk to and it makes me feel very isolated and lonely.
H: (in rage and this is very much the potted version) You were deliberately offensive in front of DDs after already butting into a conversation I was having with DD14 saying it was a silly argument (they contradicting one another about french pronuciation) and already in the barn you behaved like a lunatic when I asked you about which metal you were trhowing out.
M: I thought I indicated with my arm the pile.
H: and I suppose you didn’t fly off the handle when I made a mistake in A--- the other day, and on Saturday I came off the roof to have a cup of coffee and you gave me a monologue (see last post) and that is exactly the sort of thing that made me leave you in the first place.
M: I was talking about DD14 why were you offended by that?
H: You are offensive. I have always thought it better to avoid an argument but if you want a fight next time you’re offensive I’ll stay and fight and give you a good run for your money.
M: (crying) I don’t want a fight. I just wanted to tell you that I felt abandoned by you leaving this afternoon and it has happened so often in the past before you left.
An hour later we managed to have a fairly normal conversation about it which is a major breakthrough and I asked him if next time he could say he found me offensive rather than I was offensive.
I stewed over this exchange for a few days and spoke to him again about feeling controlled and unable to express my opinions. (this is a very strong fear and I sometimes think of something to say and get terrified even thinking about it)
His mother has mentioned watching what she says to H, DD14 said it the other day.
Saturday night I was vile to him about skiing holiday.
In between all this we are still having a nice time together lots of ML and laughing.
And now for todays upset.
I came back early from doctors appt and H seemed nervously surprised to see me. The computer was on so I checked history and to my horror found porn sites.
M: I am very threatened by the sites you are looking at.
H: I am reallly sorry.
He has reitterated how ashamed and sorry he is all day . He has been looking at them for about three years and said it was a habit and it wasn’t about sex but adrenalin. I asked him if he looked when he was with OW – no because they ML 3 times a day and he didn’t have private computer access. I said I didn’t hink it was a very helpful habit to pick up again. I have been very calm but unable to validate or empathise at all other than thank him for giving me all the information.
I have never had particularly strong opinions about porn before as it hasn’t been a personal issue. I feel completely wretched. Degraded by association. Repulsed and above all (I think) angry that H would still engage in behaviour knowing that it would hurt me.
He has come down twice since I started writing this to ask me to go back to bed because he feels abandoned. I know he feels miserable. I have hugged him and told him I love him but really I just want to run away. Sexual desire has evaporated. Am I over-reacting?
