Ha ha, H is out for the day and I get to do neglected gardening and think about moi. Thank you wendy and and Jennifer – of course yet again you are quite right and I have come to some sort of peace with myself about not talking and my need to say how hurt I am is just really a way of saying look how bloody wonderful I am forgiving all this ! and of course it is counter-productive as it just makes him defensive and unsure. I am sticking with being a piece or ass rather than a piece of work!
So bonding is re-roofing one of the barns. This is curiously enjoyable – I can’t chat as have to concentrate on not falling off and a days work gives satisfyingly visual results. It’s physically exhausting esecially as it has been very hot.
Now back to my just resurfaced problems and apologies if it sounds really trivial and pathetic but I have just dried my tears and need to get it off my chest and would be very grateful for any advice at all.
Yesterday afternoon D14 remarked that our house wasn’t progressing because H sat around drinking beer all day. This was grossly untrue and unfair as he is incredibly motivated to get things done and achieves projects that most people wouldn’t even think of starting. H didn’t respond.
Some time later he said to me that he hadn’t said anything in case D14 started telling him she hated him but he was hurt. I said that he shouldn’t take it personally as she was 14 and mentioned the 4 agreements (though I could only remember 3 – not assume, not take things personally, be impeccable with your word)
I thought about it again this morning for a while and decided to speak further on the subject and the convo when something like this:
M: I was thinking about you being hurt by what D14 said. I don’t think she meant to hurt you she just didn’t consider your feelings. I can remember saying really horrible things to my parents not considering that they would be hurt. Maybe it would be good for her to understand that she is being hurtful and also this would validate her position to say what she thinks whether you agree with it or not. Even if what she said was untrue maybe she is entitled to that opinion.
H: Long silence.
M: So what do you think?
H : I understand what you said. Silence.
M: (now hurt that discussion has been terminated) I think not saying anything at all when someone has expressed an opinion is very hurtful. It is better to acknowledge it even if you don’t agree.
H: Youre right she is 14 and didn’t think about it. Do you think I am going to hold a grudge against her for hurting my feelings.
M: I am not suggesting you would but think it would validate her if you said something.
H: Are you suggesting I always ignore D14.
M: Not at all I just think its important to listen to the children.
H: Youre saying I don’t listen to the children.
M: No just making a statement that I think it is important to listen to children in general.
H: Why are you making such a big deal out of this. It was just a stupid thoughtless comment she made and she can validate it if she wants to.
M; I am not talking about her validating what she said I am talking about you validating her.
H: I better get back on the roof. I’ll drive D14 to her friends and I’ll be able to talk to her then.
And so yet again I feel bad for having a conversation any deeper than the state of the weather. He was incredibly defensive and I can see writing it out how I was forcing the issue and felt miserable, lonely and isolated as a result of trying to have a conversation and had a long sob. D14 then came in and asked me what was up and I said I seemed to be a failure at communication. She reported that she had said to H the other day that she didn’t like it when I asked her not to do something and then he chipped in with a whole list of reasons why she shouldn’t do it. She said he just shouted at her. I suggested the ‘I don’t like it when you do x because it makes me feel y’ approach.
He went off with her without looking for me to say goodbye. I called out of the window goodbye and also said that I would have been very hurt if he had gone without saying goodbye (2 hour round trip). He said he thought I had gone AWOL!
A better story is last night when H said that he was aware that I did a lot of little things, such as all the form filling in, meal planning, shopping, cooking laundry etc a he did big things in which you could see the result and didn’t have to do it all over again the next day and how much he appreciated me doing what I did. He said he didn’t know how to join in because I always got things done before he noticed that they had to be done. I said that in the past I had resented this (particularly as I found I worked all day and was met with complaints from people not liking the meal, the way I folded the laundry etc) and I was grateful for him doing the big things and I was trying to do less so I wouldn’t feel resentment. He said he loved me more and more.
He is very good at telling me he loves me and how much he appreciates the things I do. It’s just the things I say that seem to be the problem! How do you live with a gagging order?
