thanks SD Alanah and Jennifer (will have to re-read your techniques and try them.
update Things are going reasonably well here despite my forays into anti-db land which are entirely fruitless and miserable.
Generally I am sticking to my goals of providing a love filled, happy environment, which includes lots of sunshine by the grace of God and lots of lovely meals by my own fair hand; Being a good and understanding ear (H is a relentless chatter but doesn’t want to talk about ‘it’) and outdoing OW on the sexual fantasy front. I don’t actually know anything about their sex life but have revamped my underwear/nightwear drawer to a BC standard and beyond and am making full use of having two houses, barns and 11 acres of secluded land! Beyond a doubt does a warm touch convey love to H. Funnily enough despite my previous disinterest in sex being such a huge but unmentioned issue for H I still think if I left it up to him we would still only ML last thing at night when I am to exhausted to even think about it. We have a big advantage in both being at home all day at the moment.
Confessions from H included that he and ow had been exchanging sexual e-mails 2/3 times a week for the 3 months prior to his departure and the fact that he spent a whole week with her in London which was pre arranged. Even two weeks ago he had denied anything more than a couple of neutral e-mails having been exchanged.
I asked him what OW thought about him from her last letter. She said that she thought he had known what he was doing all along and 'used her to slap my face'!
I said I thought MC was a good idea because we had such appalling communication skills. He said he was happy and couldn’t see the point. When I went further about dealing with issues with a mediator he said it sounded false and contrived.
He said he would read any book that I thought beneficial. I thought about the 5 LLs but that day SIL had sent me a book called Communication miracles for couples by Jonathan Robinson so gave him that as it lets me off the opinion hook as I hadn’t read it. All he has told me about from its contents so far is electric sex!
He vacilates between us having a fairly normal marriage with typical problems and him being seduced by OW thus looking at marriage with distorted view and me being the bitch from hell who deliberately set out to make his life miserable for 16 years. I am still v. uncomfortable with the latter needless to say.
I have become very aware how sensitive he is to me not loving him. He has mentioned it several times – if I look sad or glum he is instantly on guard and even when I expressed (Ithought) my hurt about betrayal and abandonment from a very personal perspective without saying ‘you did this to me’ he said ‘Do you hate me’ when I said ‘no I love you’ he said you sound as if you hate me. I found it quite baffling but now am not surprised that he thought I didn’t love him before.
On the other hand I am finding his attitude to the children quite difficult. For someone so sensitive to their own neeed to be loved he still reacts to them often with angry shouting. He did it the other night to DDs 10 and 6 and it was very hard for me not to go and comfort them. I was already in bed at the time. Don’t know how to bring this up without being bossy. DD14 is fairly mouthy which really gets up his nose and he responds in a very negative way. I think having been away for 10 months he should be a bit more tolerant and also give them a lot more love and security than normal. Hmmm.
I still feel slightly parental with H which I hate. Who knows the key to an equitable M? (yes already I can see that the above paragraph is a direct clue to this one but can’t see the way to go)
